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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Sadly, I'm back (Page 3)

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Author Topic: Sadly, I'm back
eryn_smiles
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That's a shame they're not up and running yet. Must be difficult for a lot of businesses down there lately. Maybe you could do some of the relaxing stuff at home that Heather was mentioning like movies, playing with the kids, a hot bath, or some more painting? Am going to link you to a cheesy handout my counsellor once gave me, it has lots more ideas: "64 ways to take care of yourself"- see page 7.
http://waitemata.webhealth.co.nz/file/jigsaw-newsletter-nov07.pdf

You're going to be ok, alright? Hang in there [Smile]

[ 12-30-2011, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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nixieGurl
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I picked up again, im got drunk, I know I am a failure, its eight months down the drain. Im not okay. I know that much. I heard back from my counsellor but she is away. I don't know how to get over this
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eryn_smiles
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Hey there, I want you to know that you're absolutely not a failure. Sometimes mistakes and relapses happen, particularly when life is really, really tough like it is now. But you are so strong and you'll be able to get through this, I know you will. There are a whole lot of people who care about you as well.

Are you able to contact one of those helplines tonight? If you're thinking at all about suicide, please do contact the CATT team, because you deserve to be safe and ok. I can imagine it's very scary for you to call a mental health team, but your safety is the most important thing right now.

[ 12-31-2011, 05:03 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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nixieGurl
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I am so ashamed to tell them. I am so damn weak. I am feelin it now, im drunk but no better, im worse . I have really screwed up this time. I don't know what I could even say about it all to them
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eryn_smiles
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Well, I think that you are an incredibly strong person who has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You are a survivor. The people who abused you are the ones who should be so very ashamed of themselves. You made a mistake today (one that many people make), that's all and you will get through this. You need to call someone to get support tonight, alright? Even if you start with one sentence like "I need some help tonight" or start crying, it's ok.

PS-
Are you part of AA? Do you also have a sponsor you can call?

[ 12-31-2011, 05:28 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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nixieGurl
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I used to go to a a but stopped after these two old guns kept saying really dirty things to me, so I don't have a sponsor . I don't want to go back to hospital they put me in the locked yard and last time another patient camein in the night and tried to rape me and the staff just said oh well they are very unwell . It's not safe there for Me . Im scared
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eryn_smiles
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I am so sorry that those things happened to you at AA and at the hospital. I know that it is really scary but you need in-person help right now, Em. You can't do this all on your own. You can start by calling a helpline. Please do that as soon as you can..

If you do end up talking with the crisis team, you can tell them the reasons you are so wary about hospital admission and I would hope (so much!) that they will take extra steps to protect you in the event that you do need admission.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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eryn_smiles
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(I'm going to sleep now, Em. I think there will be volunteers around to talk with you in a couple of hours. I hope that you were able to call one of the helplines tonight for in-person support. Take care of yourself.)

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Robin Lee
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Em, how are you doing now? What can we do to get you some support to help you get through the next few days?

When do you go visit your sister? Do you think that will be helpful to you?

You need and deserve all the help you can get righ tnow and we want to do whatever we can to help you find that.

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Robin

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nixieGurl
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Thanks you two, I got through the night but am tired, I didn't sleep I was feeling guilty. I feel so disappointed in myself. I leave on Thursday to go over to stay with my sister for a month. I need to get through until then. I just don't know how I am goin to do it yet, I am goin back to my home today so won't be alone which might help a bit.
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eryn_smiles
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Hello Em, I hope you're doing ok today and managed to get some rest. What are your plans to take care of yourself until you leave? Any activities which have helped to calm and relax you in the past?

I was wondering whether your counsellor was able to refer you to a colleague who can see you before you leave on this overseas trip? Do you think that would be helpful?

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Karybu
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Hey Ems, just checking in to see how you're doing today.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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nixieGurl
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Hey,

I am back at my place now, so I am around the kids again which is feeling a bit better, they have been giving me constant snuggles which cant help but make me feel less sad. I am still feeling really down about things and feeling crappy about picking up again. I now have to try hard to get off the booze again which sucks so much. I am such a loser with the drinking.

I am leaving on thursday to the UAE which will be a good break, but I am worried about when I get back and mental health wise things will be a bit down for me. I just feel like I am trapped in this crappy cycle right now and its hard to get out of.

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Heather
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Did your counselor ever call you back, Ems?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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She sent me a text that said that the way I am feeling is understandable and to just try to work with it, shes not back in the office for a while so I wont see her for another 6 weeks or so.
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Heather
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I'm a little confused: she knows you are feeling suicidal and that's all she did, was text THAT back? She didn't even give you someone else you could talk with/see while she was away? It's HIGHLY unusual for therapists to just leave patients hanging like that, especially when they know they have had suicidal feelings and have recently gone through serious trauma.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yeah I expected her to call me or something but she must be busy away somewhere. She said i will feel better when I get on the plane to go and to have a good trip.
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Heather
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I'm sorry, I just really don't even know what to say to this, because that strikes me as such a bizarre and incredibly irresponsible response to someone in as much crisis as you are for a therapist, where there are codes of ethics here.

This person did not give you ANY referrals to another counselor while she was away for six weeks? Or, when you called and reported suicidal feelings, didn't say ANYTHING other than that that's "understandable?"

If so, I think you really need to seek out some new in-person help. We can help provide you support, but there's just no way we can be a primary support and help source for you with things like this, we don't have the ability of the resources, and you really NEED someone like that right now.

How about, if nothing else, calling her again and outright asking for the referral she should have already given to you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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She is a really good therapist usually, Im assuming she must just be really busy or something because she has been so awesome before. She didn't give me anyone else to talk to. I have a mental health case manager but she will stick med straight in hospital so i am quite nervous so talk to her.
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Heather
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I know, but being busy would not be something that would keep someone qualified from doing the things I mentioned here, which are very basic standards of care.

I'm not sure what to do at this point, because I strongly feel that us taking over without you having someone in-person who is as informed as we would be seriously irresponsible on our part, and would mean we would have to pretend that the way you've been talking and feeling here isn't very serious and didn't express a real need for in-person care of some point. I think you know we want to be supportive, but I think you also know that that's not something we can be if we have the idea we may be putting someone's well-being at risk by not doing all we can to help them get the care they truly need which can serve them best.

So, again, if nothing else, can you call her and ask her to give you the contact information for another counselor while she is gone, something she should have done herself in the first place?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Or, how about contacting ANY of these NZ services and asking THEM for someone local ASAP?

http://www.rapecrisisdunedin.org.nz/rape_crisis_nz.htm

One more option is that when you reported the rape, did they not refer you to an advocate or advocacy service? If not, can you call back the person who took the report and ask for that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Ok I will call her and leave another message. I leave in a few days, so I probably just need to get through the next few days. I understand what you mean Heather, I don't want to put you in a difficult position either, I will be okay so don't worry about it, I will try to talk to her again. I did text her back and admitted to picking up again but I didn't hear back from her so I am not sure whats happening.
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nixieGurl
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I got referred to safecare and got in contact with them but was told that due to the earthquakes they couldnt see me right now as its only one volunteer running from her house and she wasnt taking new people to see. I have a womens refuge person too who I called but they are full and cant see me for a few weeks either, they all tell me to call my mental health case manager but I cant do that.
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Heather
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I'm so sorry that she's not...well, doing her job. And really hasn't if you've been clear with her about suicidal feelings and all the details of what has happened lately.

I think what you ideally need is someone you can talk to, someone qualified, at least a few times a week for a while: not just a few days. I doubt going somewhere else is going to magic all of these feelings away, even though I'd obviously love it if it could do that for you. So, what we might need to look for here is someone who can Skype with you while you're away, or someone for the next day or two in NZ and then someone else for you in the UAE. I know switching around like that and having to tel all of this to more than one person sucks, but I think we have every reason right now to be deeply concerned about your well-being and about you earnestly getting through this without the kinds of care you need.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks Heather,

i asked my sister about therapy over there and she wasnt sure if there was much on offer where they are. They are in Al Ain which is kinda middle of nowhere in the desert type thing, so I think I would have to look for something in Abu Dhabi or Dubai which is a few hours away but apparently pretty easy to get to by car.

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Heather
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I can't do that for you today, but if no one else can. I can certainly look into that for you tomorrow morning to help get you started.

For today, how about calling one or two of those rape crisis centers nearest you to see if they can't refer you to someone?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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One more thing? I know you said you had a bad experience at AA in the past, but I suggest you try again today. If it helps you feel better, go in, find another woman who is there, and tell her you had bad experiences but need help and support, so could she be your buddy-system person. I'm sure someone will say yes very readily.

It just seems like part of the bad feelings today are about relapsing, so I think being with people who understand that totally would be a big help. I think staying out of AA probably hasn't helped you any and trying to get back into the program would probably help you out a great deal when it comes to staying sober.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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It's ok I will try my best to get through it. I don't think they will be able to do a whole lot except ask me to call my case manager again, I will if I get worse, but for now I will try to push through it, thanks heather for being here this past week.
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Heather
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Of course, and believe me, I wish I could be there in person and have the things at my disposal a therapist does to be of much more help than this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I wish you were here too
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Heather
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Is there anything we can do for you in the meantime?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I think I will be ok, I am trying to be as busy as possible. We all got no sleep last night because of earthquakes so tired babies are taking up most of the energy I have. My cousin is not feelin well so poor thing has not been able to do much so im goin to try to keep the kids happy and try to keep my mind off of things. I feel like a walking zombie today to be honest! But will suck it up and try. It's my own fault for picking up again and I have to take responsibility for that crappy choice somehow.
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Heather
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I think you might also want to remember that you relapsing was most likely -- obviously -- influenced by all you have been put through again, but you being responsible for that is NOT you being responsible for everything else.

In other words, it strikes me that relapsing and some of the way you're holding it makes it pretty easy for you to beat up on yourself and perhaps do some self-blame around other things. If you want someone to feel bad with all of this, which would be understandable, it also seems like you're the easiest target here. In other words, I think some of your relapse was probably about making yourself feel bad so someone you could hold responsible could be the bad guy.

But stepping aside for that, if that sounds sound to you, make sure you are taking away the important stuff here. For instance, it sounds like you don't have any program or support system in staying sober: without that, you were pretty much sure to relapse, so now you know you need to seek that out as soon as possible. Sounds like you also need to be sure that you have counseling services that are truly serving you. Maybe you really like your counselor you've had, but if she does things like leave town leaving you NO safety net, it might be time when you get back from your trip to seek out someone else. Liking a counselor a lot rocks, but that's not enough for you to be served well.

I think you already have taken responsibility for relapsing. Now you just need to put it back down again and move forward, taking care of yourself well so you can start fresh. Beating yourself up about it nonstop isn't taking responsibility. Acknowledging your choice and that it was yours, then taking action to change positively is. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I guess so, it's hard not to beat myself up for it because I gave in so easily to wanting it and I feel weak for that. I suppose I expect a lot of myself sometimes when I've just been raped again because the thought that im letting him hurt me even when he is not around makes me feel like im nothing. I like to be in control of everything and I. Like to be as normal about everything and seem unaffected by it all as possible because the doctors expect me to be nothing. I read in my notes that they think that they are waiting for me to either go into a complete catatonic state if I don't kill myself first. But then when I ask for help they don't help. They don't believe in me because of what statistics and books say about someone like me and I only have myself to keep myself on track. And that really hurts I guess.

I feel like I am to blame for being abused because I was stupid enough to put myself in those situations and to let it continue. Giving up drinking was the only thing I have had a little bit of respect for myself over. Other than that I feel like everyone is just waiting till I am no longer in the way.

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Heather
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Ems, I have to go offline for the day, so I'm afraid this will be brief, but I'll be back in the morning.

Perhaps in the meantime, you might try and sit with some of the MANY wonderful things there are about you. Not just things you do or have done, though that can be part of it, but also just who you ARE even when you're not doing anything anyone might recognize as an achievement.

I'd also leave out things that are about being in control. I can certainly understand why having control feels like a really big deal to you. However, I'm not sure being in control, really, is something to write home about. Even with working to get sober, I see that not as a big deal because of control, but because it's about taking care of yourself, know what I mean?

Did you call any of those crisis centers today? If not, please try. I assure you, no one who works in rape crisis expects you to be nothing, or expects what happened to you to have no impact. I know you haven't been served well by some people, but you have been by others and I think we can help you find others still, especially if you really dedicate yourself to taking care of yourself, which you can.

You're not stupid, you've never been stupid in the many years I have known you, and you're not nothing. You've managed to survive some of the most awful things a person can, and even you just being around as as lovely a person as you are is seriously exceptional. It's not nothing. You're not nothing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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