Over a month ago, I had a really crappy drunken experience, and Iím not sure whether this would be considered rape.
I went out with a friend of mine to this club, where we met up with her cousin and the cousinís boyfriend. The cousinís boyfriend worked as a security guard at this club. I ended up getting much drunker than I expected. I was stumbling around, and the cousinís boyfriend stopped me from going home with a complete stranger. I puked a few times, and then they had me lie down in the backseat of the boyfriendís car to sober up. The boyfriend came to check on me, and I gave him (consensual) oral sex.
After they determined that I was sobering up, they drove me home, where I lay down to go to sleep. About 15 minutes later, I got a phone call from the boyfriend asking me if I wanted to go home with him and his cousin. Drunkenly and horny, I said yes.
They drove me back to their place, and we had a threesome. This mostly consisted of my friendís cousin fingering me and going down me, and then the boyfriend fingering me and me giving the boyfriend oral sex. After he came, I put my head down and fell asleep Ė naked Ė on their bed. Though I would have been willing to have intercourse with him, I remembering thinking that I was relieved that we didnít.
I donít know how long I had been asleep for, but I woke up to him having intercourse with me. The girlfriend was lying next to me, asleep. I was really surprised and shocked that he would do that to me when I was sleeping. I wanted to say no, but didnít. I just decided to lie there and hope he finished up soon.
He finished, and then proceeded to go down on me. I again wanted to say no, but didnít. I am also ashamed to say that he also gave me the best Ė technique-wise, oral sex that Iíve ever received in my life. Iím pretty sure I came, and because of that, I was moaning, so he couldnít have known that I didnít want him to be doing that. I tried to close my legs at a couple different times, but probably not forcefully enough for him to notice.
I know that it is considered non-consensual to have sex with a sleeping person, but I canít help but feel that my signals were way too mixed, especially when he was going down on me. Iím sure he never even considered the possibility that he did something wrong. Especially because I went home with him, was lying on his bed naked, and because I never said no, and was moaning for Godís sake.
I have been a kind of wreck for the last few weeks, though I havenít been able to cry about this. I have had trouble getting out of bed, have been very jittery and nervous, and have been irritable and not focusing well on my schoolwork. I feel like itís an exaggeration to call this sexual assault, but maybe it is.
I just have these questions that keep running through my head, and itís making me crazy. I donít understand how he got inside of me without me waking up. I never thought I was heavy sleeper, and Iím pretty sure I wasnít passed out because I know that I was sobering up. How long had he been inside me before I woke up? Why didnít I just tell him no? Would he have stopped if I had? Does he feel that he did nothing wrong?
The other thing that bothers me is that he was totally sober. He had been working that night, and so he wasnít allowed to drink. I am sure that he was sober because my friend mentioned to me that he would not be drinking and therefore could drive us home.
Was this rape? What should I do?
Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2011
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I'm so sorry to hear about the rough night you had. It does sound to me like what you are describing is rape.
Someone who is asleep cannot give consent, so he clearly deprived you of the right to give consent. That's pretty much all that matters: he did not ask, and you did not say yes. It doesn't matter that you'd engaged in other activities with him before, because saying yes once doesn't mean that you're saying yes to all activities, unconditionally and indefinitely. It also doesn't matter that you experienced physical pleasure: sometimes our bodies react to touch even when we do not want that touching to happen. I know how confusing and frustrating it can be to know that your body responded positively to something you did not like, but this really doesn't mean that it was okay for him to continue what he was doing. Your body cannot give permission to something that you do not want.
Now, first things first. Did your cousin's friend use a condom when he assaulted you? If not, you have had both a pregnancy and an STI risk. Since it was over a month ago, if you've had a period since, you can forget about the pregnancy risk. But you'll want to get up to date on your STI testing just to be safe.
Everything else is up to you. There are a couple of things that we can help you with: If you need some help in figuring out how to interact with your cousin and her friend going forward, we can talk that through with you. And if you want to seek out some counseling to help you get through this, or if you are considering legal action, we can hook you up with some local resources.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9186 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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I had a similar experience and didn't know what to do because he claimed I had initiated it. I was asleep though and thought it was all a dream at first. I would say that since he did not have your consent, it was rape. Maybe that is something that is ok with him to do with his girlfriend, but he should have talked to you first. I chose not to pursue any legal action because I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was confused because we had fooled around on many occasions, but I had never had sex before so it was hard for me. I am sorry this happened to you. Good luck.
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