posted
im a lesbian and my girlfriend is having trouble. ive tried to help all that i can, with every method i can think of but nothing seems to work and i need help..
okay. my girlfriend had been raped at the age of twelve by her first cousin on her moms side. it happened on a couch in the living room of her house. the rapes countinued until she was 15 and we got together and i finally convinced her to tell. shes sixteen now and shes constantly blaming herself and says shes confused on wether it was consentual or not.
shes told me everything about them so im confident in relaying her story.
the first time she was raped was as i said when she was twelve her cousin is two years older than her so he was fourteen. her parents had went to bed and she was on the couch he was staying the night there so he was to sleep in her room and her on the couch to make that clearer. it happened sometime in the morning hours. but he came in the living room and got on the couch with her she was asleep. he pulled her pants down and she woke up to him pullin his pants down and then he... well yeah. she said she didnt say no or anything but she did NOT want him to do it. shes confused by this bc she didnt say no and she didnt fight and she let it continue after words, she didnt tell anyone that would make it stop. but i told her if she didnt want it to happen that it was rape.
to back things up a bit she had talked about how it all started with him wanting to hold her and in the the back of a van when they were younger and she said she did bc she wanted to know what it was like to do that. then as they got older and it came closer to the time of the first rape things got more physical and he would touch her. he would even go as far as touch her while they lay on the couch under the cover while her parents where there sitting on the same couch.
but she said he would continue to rape her every time he came over. she said one time it was so bad he made her scream and her mom was asleep right beside her in the same room and it didnt do anything...
she said after a while she would call him to come there because she said she just wanted them to be cousins but he would always end up doing the same things... and she blames herself and says maybe she did want it and it wasnt rape since she asked him.
after the first rape she started getting sexually promiscous she would show her boobs or send pics to whoever wanted to see her and then her cousin would bring friends over and shed give them BJs or HJs.
shes also said how she would want him to.. sometimes. bc she would get horny and then shed tell him to come over but then when he got there she didnt want it.. she had to be around him all the time and since he was training to be a preacher at age 17 he was the good boy in the family and could do no wrong so when she finally told about him he told there grandparents (to whom she was living with at the time along with her mother)that she was a lesbian and was with me. the grandparents were very religous too did not like this what so ever. they called her a liar and to stop talking about thier grandson like that and if she wanted to be a "homosexual" and be a sinner towards got that she could leave. that they didnt want a "homosexual" in there home. so she left and is living with her dad. she still has to see her cousing in school and also her pappaw who kicked her out at schoo bc he is a janitor.
but shes just confused about if she was raped or not.
i also being a victim/better yet a survivor of rape understand this and know alot about the effects of rape and things. im just not sure what else i can do.. to help. i know she could have had stolkholm syndrom and i believe she was raped but i just need help in well helping her not blame herself so much. because she gets in moods to which i can understand that she calls herself a cousin f***er and things like that.
shes tried counsiling and she just doesnt like it bc we are in a bible belt they just want to talk about her being a lesbian or something like that.
sorry its so very long. can you please help?
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Has she ever read any books about childhood sexual abuse and healing? If not, it sounds like the best place for her to start might just be with some good information.
I'd certainly be happy to recommend some for her which she could get via Amazon or may even be able to find at the library.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
thank you so much for the reply.. i thought no one would...
im not sure if she has. she processes emotional stress very strangly. she gets stuck in the past and can not move foward..
for example she said she used to torture herself bye looking up rape or insest stories. or like the site 6 billion secrets.
im sure it wouldnt hurt to try with books like that. and she loves to read.
but one of my biggest questions is she was raped right? i need to have kinda an idea on how i should get this across to her from me and of course get her books.
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Unless she calls looking up what she did "torturing herself," I'd not classify it that way yourself. For instance, it may be that she was trying to see how else might share her experiences so she didn't feel so alone. Or, she may have been trying to trigger feelings or memories to help herself process them. Whatever her reasons and feelings about that, I'd ask her and then take her at her word.
I'd also not say there's anything strange about her feeling stuck with this. After all, it doesn't sound like she's yet had any quality help in moving forward. It's very hard for most people to heal from childhood sexual abuse -- which yes, it certainly sounds like she's described -- especially without any qualified help or support.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
im sorry she did say herself that she was torturing herself.. im sorry for the miscomunication.... and thank you on the rest of it. could you please give some of the books too ive told her about them and she said shes interested in reading them and asked if theyd really help. i said it wouldnt hurt to try.
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I sure can. She's also more than welcome to come here and talk with us directly if she likes. We might also be able to help her find some counseling that isn't biased around her orientation.
Some books to start with I'd suggest are:
Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse by Patti Feureisen It Happened to Me: A Teen's Guide to Overcoming Sexual Abuse by William Lee Carter The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass Hush: Moving From Silence to Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse by Nicole Braddock Bromley
If she has never had any help in her healing, then yes, any one of these books is likely to help. They can't do all of her healing in one fell swoop, it's a long-term process, and she'll probably benefit from some in-person help, too. But the books should help, and she's obviously got someone who cares about her very much she can also get support from, which is a really big deal.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
thank you very much and sorry theres one more thing. im am talking to her currently on the phone and have been telling her what has been said and she also says she feels a little better knowing it was rape/sexual abuse. but she says she still feels like it wasnt.. (which i know is normal) and she says she feels like a whinny baby bc she feels that its over and she should be over it. she says this because i am over my rape and she feels like she should be too. (i was raped when i was 8 by my moms boyfriend) but really i am not over it i still have my days and i told her this. it just takes time and time will heal too.
when i started reading her the responses she says she knows how she started it all. i asked how and she said that when they were both on the computer at her house she said she droped somthing and when she went to pick it up she accedently hit/touched his penis (through shorts of course) and when she realized what she done she thought if she really did it. so shit said she did it again just to make sure thats what she did. and she aske since she done that wasnt that saying to him it was okay to do what he done? i told her no because she didnt say hey sinse i accedently touched your penis its okay to have sex with me. she said no so i said exactly.
and i do care about her very much and i told her about the talking in person thing she said she may come her to talk.
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
It really sounds to me like she could stand to talk to someone educated about abuse and the impact of abuse. It's great you're being so supportive, but it also sounds like you're pretty out of your league here (which isn't surprising: it's not something people tend to be very educated about unless it's something they have studies or worked in).
I hear you saying some good things here: well done. But how about we connect her with someone who she isn't involved with and who has these kinds of conversations as a job? Like I said, I'm happy to get started with her, and also happy to help her look for some qualified help in her area.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
im 18 and am a freshman college student my major is psychology and i want to be a psychologist that deals soully with tramas such as rape and sexual assult of all kinds. i know im not nearly as educated in the matter that i should to help her and i understand that. i think what you said is very good advice. and i told her this she said she doesnt really like the idea becase she feels like if she does this it will say that she doesnt trust me enough to just have me help her. and she asked what i thought. i said what ever helps you will be okay. as long as you trust me with your heart thats all that matters. i may be going into this field but im definatly not ready for this and ive done all that i can myself it is okay to heal through some other means beside me. and she said if she does do something like this she wants me there. i dont know what to say about this.. should she be alone.. would it be better or would it be better if i were there and she could hold my hand while she recounted everything..?
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Right, but one thing you probably already know if you've started studying psych is that someone in an intimate relationship with someone else is the worst choice of counselor there is. You can be a support for her, but it's not sound or appropriate for you to try and be her counselor. That's pretty basic psych ethics and healthy boundaries.
I'm not sure what you're asking about being with her for. Can you be more clear?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
okay im sorry she said if she got like a counselor she would want me to be there with her. is that okay to be with her if she does talk to someone else. or is it better if she did it alone.
another thing she says is what if she goes to a counselor and they tell her that it wasnt rape and that what she thought about it not being rape was true. i think this is one of her biggest fears. because her family when she finally told they said she was a liar. and this i know is very understandable.
i think because i am interested in psychology and this type of psychology im drawn to try to help her. but i know i cant and it makes things very hard. bc i feel i should be able to do something when i know i cant i can just be supportive.
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
one very very big thing is even thought the grandparents kicked her out and said she was a liar. but every now and then they want to contact her and tell her their sorry and that somethings can be fogotten and she told them that they didnt believe her on the rape and they say they dont know what to believe on that. this just happened with her grandma. she got on the phone and was crying to me. she says she dont understand how they think they can say all these things and still want her to feel the same for them after all of this..
this was a bad trigger..
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
These are all things she can ask a counselor about. By all means, I think she needs to make sure that she chooses someone who specializes in counseling victims of childhood sexual abuse and who is also LGBT-friendly.
With you being there, no, for ongoing therapy for her, it's not likely to be helpful if you are there. But I'm sure many counselors would be fine with you going the first time with her, or while she's screening them. And, of course, you can always wait in the waiting room for her.
What you can do IS be supportive, and that's no small deal. That can also include helping her find counseling from someone qualified and who is not in an intimate relationship with her.
It really sounds like she's in a time of life and with her healing that she needs someone. Has she started even by just calling RAINN or a local abuse advocacy organization to see what's available near her? If not, perhaps you could help her with that?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
the more i tell her about this the more shes trying to lean the other direction. she said that shes told me more about it then anyone. and she doesnt want to tell someone she doesnt. know... but ill keep working on trying to get her to the point of counsiling i ordered one of the books you listed for her and maybe after she reads it she will feel better about going to see someone. thank you very much for your time and your help.
-------------------- Love is Love is Love is Love. Posts: 9 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
Maybe for now, let her start with that book, and then just make sure that you are not trying to be her stand-in counselor. And if she pushes for that, just create a healthy boundary, making clear why even people who are experienced counselors are not the counselors for their partners, best friends or kids.
Sound good?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
Are you doing okay yourself? It can be a lot to help someone you're close to through this, and if you're a survivor yourself, some of what she is disclosing to you might also be triggering for you, which can be doubly hard to deal with. And you can also feel like you can't react if you're triggered, because you don't want her to feel like she can't talk to you about this.
So, if you need support for yourself, please know we're always happy to talk with you about that, too.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
Printer-friendly view of this topic