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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Damaged and Different

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Author Topic: Damaged and Different
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Before I was in a abusive relationship, I used to love manual sex - specifically having a partner's fingers in my vagina, same goes for penises and toys. However, my vagina now feels like a different organ since then. I used to liek oral sex a lot more too.

Since the abuse (a long time ago), I haven't liked having things in my vagina. Anytime a partner is sexual around me, my vulva becomes bone-dry and feels irritated. I kept thinking it was an infection but I'm not sure. Then I thought it was a lack of desire due to just a different phase in my life.

The feeling - the sparkly feeling of wanting and then having a finger in my gentials just isn't happening anymore. I miss it so much. I fgeel like I am forcing myself to get my old sexuality back. I bought some vibrators but it's not working, I know I would have be desperate for one when I was younger but now it's no good. I just feel like its going to hurt be physically and emotionally, because it's not coming back.

Also, I feel I only like being in a BDSM submissive position due to past abuse. I used to like stripping for partners and feeling desired rather than what I do now, with the BDSM. I think I felt that stripping wasn't feminist - I don't anymore. Is it exhibitionism?

The only time I've really enjoyed sex since the abuse was when I initiated it.

During healing, I think I internalised the idea that female sexuality isn't as 'strong' as male sexuality. I know it's rubbish, but deep down, I believe it, and I can't stop. Everytime he becomes aroused I feel the need to push myself to have a good time; to prove something to myself, so I can stop believing this. I wosh I could stop my body shutting down around sex, but I can't.

Maybe I should do other things like stay with my clitoral glans? I'm scared I'll freak out and be so desperate to prove that I can feel pleasure that I will ruin it, as always.

[ 06-01-2011, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I check in with your first, Rae, to see how you feel about even having partners at this point, period?

In other words, whatever you may or may not be doing with them, do you think that, for you, you're in the right space to be sexual with partners right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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Member # 49582

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Probably not. I had a three year break from any sex after the abuse, and have been a two year relationship with Phil since; but I don't think it's been long enough.

However, even though things have been a little rocky with our relationship, I really do love him.

[ 06-01-2011, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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We can love someone but still not be in the right space to be sexual with them.

It sounds like you're very clear here that being sexual with a partner right now is most likely not the best thing for you. From the way you're talking and the language you even used in some of this post, I'd agree with you. It sounds like the bigger issue here is trying to be sexual with partners when it just doesn't feel right right now. And when that's the case, there really aren't little adjustments we can make around things that allow us to get around that, you know?

So, how about stepping away from sex with a partner for a while again, and setting limits around that? In the meantime, how about focusing your sexual time and energy on sex with yourself, working on reframing it in ways that feel empowering and honoring of your sexuality now -- not in the past, but as who you are and where you're at at this point in your life? In doing all of that kind of sexual reinvention (which, when you think about it, isn't a drag, it's actually pretty exciting), you'll probably also be able to think more deeply and clearly about finding out what it is you need now for sex with a partner to be and feel right for you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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All the pressure has just melted away, and everything's going great with what you suggested!

I think I was more focused on sexuality as something you 'have' and that you are born with, rather what you do, so I though it needed to be 'got back' rather than merely reinvented.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Defining sexuality isn't easy, but if you're asking me, I'd say neither of those frameworks really works. People have sexuality regardless of what they do, after all.

It is something we're born with, but it's ever-changing, evolves and develops as we do, is about all kinds of different feelings, and is something we can act on and express in a gazillion different ways. It's influences by our lives and life experiences, and shifts, changes and grows accordingly.

Make sense?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Yeah that makes sense, it's beautiful.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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