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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I Told My Ma.

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Author Topic: I Told My Ma.
LostMySoul22
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Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Ever. I cried the whole time. A full hour and a half we talked, and the tears never stopped.
She had all the normal doubts: How could [I] have been raped--wouldn't [I] have known because [I] would've bled, my hymen breaking? What exactly did [I] start to remember? How could [I] have not known, back then?
On and on the questions went.

Why don't I feel better? I mean, she knows now. So, WHY do I feel WORSE!? I feel like I ruined her life like I ruined my own. I should've just kept my mouth shut, kept everything shoved deep down inside, kept it quiet.
Most of me wants to take it all back, but a small part of me is happy it's out--at least to my mother.

Why do I feel worse? What does this mean?

[ 03-04-2011, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: LostMySoul22 ]

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September
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It sounds to me like the reason you feel worse is because your mother's reaction wasn't very supportive or understanding. Having to justify yourself and your feelings and having to answer to doubts like that really shouldn't be a "normal" part of disclosing a rape (and it certainly isn't okay).

How did the conversation resolve? Is she supportive of you now?

Just telling someone, while that's a huge and positive step, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll feel better. It also depends on how it's received. So why it's really awesome that you were able to tell her, it did not have the effect that you wished it would because your mother reacted in such a disrespectful way.

But you did not ruin her life, and you did not ruin your own. If anyone did any ruining, it was the guys who raped you. That's not your fault, and you're certainly also not at fault for wanting to be honest with people and asking for support.

It is a good thing that you told her. The fact that you were raped shouldn't be a dark, dirty secret to hide from everyone. It's something that happened to you, that you had no control over, and you have every right to ask for help in dealing with it, and for sharing this aspect of your past.

[ 03-05-2011, 03:06 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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LostMySoul22
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Oh, no, she was very supportive. She was just in shock, in denial at first. I've spoken to her since, and she believes me. She did right away.

She wasn't disrespectful at all. To her, it's all about details, details, details, details. For her to comprehend and believe, she has to work through a lot of things in her mind--and for that she needs a large amount of information.

She asked how could I be sure, what did I remember... why didn't I remember earlier? (I was roofied, remember.) I told her I couldn't explain it, that I wasn't ready to go into such detail. And she backed off.

But I think I broke her heart. And that breaks mine. I know she's so upset that this was forced upon her only daughter, and part of me is so upset that I did that to her. That I informed her of some terrible atrocity that she is helpless to correct and was helpless to prevent.

I don't know why I feel this way, just that I do. I really feel like I made everything worse, rather than better. Why do I feel this way?

[ 03-05-2011, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: LostMySoul22 ]

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Stephanie_1
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You know, I didn't tell my mom when I was raped until in my state the statute of limitations for filing was over. I didn't want her to make me take him to court. When I finally did tell her, I was in a lot of the same place, me crying from the time I woke her to talk, through me crawling into bed. She also asked a lot of questions. But in the end, it's not some quick-fix solution, because like you're describing, I could tell she was hurt both by the fact that it happened to me, and especially by the fact that I felt I couldn't talk to her about it.

The thing is though, your last two sections are in the wrong place. You're putting yourself in the blame, when you shouldn't be. Yes, this hurts her - because you're her baby (even when you're 55 you'll be her baby) and someone hurt you. But you can't allow yourself to put the blame on you, because you didn't ask to be rapes, it's something that happened *to* you without your consent, and you telling her she's hurt by them, and not by you. And while she can't wave a wand and fix it and magically make it never have happened, she can be there for you now - and that's going to make the difference. But remember hearing about someone hurting you means she needs some healing time too. You did nothing wrong here, and in time you'll be able to identify with that.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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LostMySoul22
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Haha, my Ma is actually 55 right now. Sorry, it just made me smile at the coincidence.

Part of me believes I did nothing wrong, and wants to slap the other part that rants, "Your fault, your fault, your fault."

I actually had some people say similar things, that I guess have just stuck in my head and won't leave. Here's two examples:
1) "Don't blame other people because you got drunk. Stop putting the blame on them and take some damn responsibility."
2) "Well, I guess you won't do that again, will you? Let it go." (The way this woman said it, it was clear she was saying, 'It's your fault; get over it,' by the tone of her voice, and especially the look on her face.)

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Stephanie_1
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So then let us be the ones playing bad cop to their theories...
1) CHOOSING to drink does NOT mean you're CHOOSING to have someone rape you. Rape is NOT a choice, it happens TO you WITHOUT your consent.
2) There isn't a "let it go" with rape so much as there is a "Work through it bit by bit." And YOU didn't do anything.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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LostMySoul22
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That's what I thought.
Telling person #1 that I only had 3 sips didn't matter, I must've been drunk.
And likewise with person #2: I certainly didn't do anything. How could I have? I was out of it!

Still, knowing that, but having the opposite thrown in your face, tears you down. At least, it did to me.

My heart feels so heavy in my chest, it's like somebody replaced it with stone.

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Stephanie_1
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It's never easy to hear these things, but some people don't want to understand. They want any easy solution to how the world works (and in that limited view, people have things done because they did something they shouldn't have). It's easy to look at rape and think the person had it coming for some reason - it's much more difficult to look at it for what it really is. But in time enough hearing it wasn't you from yourself, others around you, and other survivors and that stone will once again just become your heart, and you'll be healing.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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LostMySoul22
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See, the weird part is that before all this happened to me, I was always so confused about how a rape victim could think it was her/his fault, because they didn't ask for it, they didn't do anything wrong.

But now I know where they're coming from. Knowing it wasn't your fault does not stop the overwhelming guilt, grief, and What-If's.

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Stephanie_1
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No, it doesn't. But in time, they become less and less, and you'll be more able to center blame where it really belongs. Just don't forget to give yourself that time.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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LostMySoul22
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What does it mean if I don't hate them? I don't. And it's not like they mean anything to me personally, because they're nothing more than acquaintances. So why don't I hate them for what they've done?
What is wrong with me, to feel that way?

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Stephanie_1
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Everyone feels differently about the people that raped them. But there's nothing wrong with you, or how you feel. Some people hate them, some don't. Some feel sorry for them, that there's something so wrong in them that they could hurt someone else, some don't. And some people don't know how to feel about the person(s) at all. You can't help how you feel, or don't feel - and there's no need to. How you're feeling is perfectly valid.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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LostMySoul22
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Oh, okay. Huh. Uhm, right.
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