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Proud-And-Loud
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I'm in a realtionship with a girl who has been raped (i'm a guy). and I'm worried I'm going to lose her emotionally..

Here's the back story: She was raped by her father for 8 years and it went through the court and her father was sent to jail and now she's getting counselling for it. She's been in couselling for nearly 3 years. We've been best friends since we were kids and have been dating since she's started her counselling.. We've never been physical at all other than kissing because it makes her uncomfortable and she now has a selibacy pledge. and I'm absoloutley dedicated to helping her in any way I can. We're really open with each other and talk about everything. But in the last 6 months she's started getting more and more detached from everyone.. and now the only time she really leaves the house is when she goes to see her counsellor. All her friends are really worried and I'm even more so..

Is it something I might've done? or is there something I can do to help her? I'm so scared I'm going to lose her because she means the world to me..HELP!

Posts: 6 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
breath
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Dear P&L

It must be very difficult for you to experience this and it sounds like you have been very understanding/supportive. It's common for people may times to blame ourselves for other person's action but please be asssured that in IMO, there is little if anything you or anyone else did to 'cause' this behaviour change from her.

Sometimes we may just have to give someone theri space and let them know that we are here to help them and check in periodically.

[ 01-24-2011, 03:54 AM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Proud-And-Loud
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Thanks for your advice =] It's releiving to know it's not something I did. I'll try your advice =]
Posts: 6 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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I'd not jump to the conclusion that her behavior is because of something that you did. She's been through a lot, and it can take a long time to heal from sexual abuse.

As long as she is still seeing her counselor, and in touch with you and her friends, I'd agree with breath that for right now, it's best to just give her the time and space she needs.

I understand that that can be really hard to watch, and to deal with. Being the partner of an abuse survivor is not easy. Do you have any support in this? Anyone you can talk to?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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CoatRack
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I'd agree that it's likely nothing that you have done, but if your partner is never leaving the house except to go to counseling and not really interacting with people then it may be time to worry. Not worry that you have done something, but worry that she is in a depressive state.

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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Proud-And-Loud
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September- yeah I do have support, I go to a support group for partners of abuse victims. And it worries me because she's not talking to her friends and she always talked to her friends before no matter how bad she was.. I've really been trying to give her space, she asked me to move into the spare room (we live together) because she needed space and I've been in there for 6 months now.. I've tried talking to her counsellor and telling him whats going on but it really just seems to be getting worse. She seems to be loosing her apetite and only eating one meal a day, she's not seriously loosing weight or anything but she has lost a bit of weight and she's already a slim person so it worries me a bit.
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September
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If she's refusing contact with her friends and losing her appetite, then I agree with Andy that it may be time to worry that she is in a depressive state.

You say you have spoken to her counselor before to let him know. How did he react? If you don't feel that anything has changed since then, it may be a good idea to contact her counselor again. It sounds like she may need more intensive treatment, such as an increase in the number of therapy sessions.

Is there anyone else you consult in this? What about your friends mother or siblings who also know of the situation and might be able to talk to her, or consult with the therapist?

--------------------
Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Proud-And-Loud
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Joey- The counselor seemed to think it was rather normal for her to be like this. I've decided I'm going to call him again before her next session so I can explain to him that she seems to be getting worse.

And not really, her mom passed away back in 2006 and she's an only child. I've talked to her aunty who she lived with for a while but they were never very close so she cant really give any advice. I've also talked to my mom about it and she's been really helpfull helping around the house with cooking and things so I know that the meals she is getting are really healthy and full of protine so she stays healthy and talking to her becuase I thought she might talk more because she's female and they might be able to relate better, and she does talk to my mom on and off she goes through phases I guess you could call them but my mom wont tell me much about the conversations because she feels that they're private. So I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place in that respect.

I know this might sound bad, but I'm ready to just cave in, I'd never give up on her but I dont know what else to try..

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N
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If she's having progressively more depressive symptoms, and everyone she knows is seeing this (not just you), and the counselor is acting like everything is fine, *she might need a different counselor*. Sometimes the first counselor someone tries just doesn't work out for them.

I have no advice on how to get her to consider this, as in my experience severely depressed people generally don't want to make the effort to find another counselor.

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Proud-And-Loud
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Okay I'll suggest that to her and see what happenes. Thank you so much for your advice =]
Posts: 6 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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