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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Confused and Still Hurting

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Author Topic: Confused and Still Hurting
LifeEnColor
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Member # 51950

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Hi everyone. To start off I just want to say I'm brand new to the site, having found it yesterday, so I'm still getting to know everything. I'm an 18 year old college freshman on winter break and I looked for this site for a couple reasons, but the main reason is why I'm posting this now.

I had my first relationship over the summer of 2010 with a guy I met while vacationing on prom weekend. We really hit it off and we both said we loved each other and I feel we both meant it. I was a virgin and losing it had never been a huge 'holy grail' moment to me. So before I left for college and he moved back to Oregon I told him I wanted to have sex and he agreed.

We tried it a couple times and I never enjoyed it but I wanted to make him happy. One night it hurt so much I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. He held me down by my neck and told me I would 'have to take it.' I was so scared I didn't ask him to stop again, but I cried the whole time and tried not to cry out from the pain. I was so shocked and hurt from the experience I didn't bring it up with him again and we broke up and moved on with our lives.

I pushed the experience to the back of my mind and tried to tell myself that nothing had really happened. I met my second boyfriend at college and I'm very happy with him. We had sex right away and I was shocked at how much it still hurt. I thought I was past that. I told him I wanted to wait to do that again and he agreed, but asked why. I finally told him what had happened and I realized just how effected I was by that terrible experience. I thought having sex right away with my new boyfriend would 'fix' or 'heal' me, but it didn't help anything. Now I'm scared of sex and I'm scared of my experience, even though it was months ago. I don't know what to do. I'm still not sure what happened to me. Can anyone help me?

Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
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From what you have written, you were raped. You told him no, he didn't stop and he held you down.

As someone who has gone through something similar, I know how hard it is.

Have you sought out counseling? It will help you work through the experience and feeling about what happened.

You mentioned that you wanted to make him happy. In a relationship BOTH people have to be happy not just one. Can you tell me why you wanted to make him happy.

Here are some articles you can read:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/hes_my_boyfriend_so_how_could_it_have_been_rape

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/dealing_with_rape

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/dealing_with_date_rape_abuse

[ 01-07-2011, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I agree: you have described a sexual assault here. I'm so sorry that person did that to you. They committed a serious crime against you which is absolutely traumatic.

Having sex with other people, all by itself, sex that you want, isn't going to heal you or "fix" you. healthy sexual relationships can be part of our healing from assault, but not the whole, and we aren't always ready for sex after assault at a given time. It also usually takes far longer than months to process and heal from assault.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I am very sorry that you had to experience that. No one should go through what happened for any reason any where.

just want to add that as someone who also experience sexual harrassment/abuse and assault, it can be very distrubing and difficult experience to go through. From my own personal experience, it helped me or I felt relieved once I had a term to describe what happened to me.

I also agree with Heather's response that often holistic healing takes months and can have highs and lows-please feel free to write here or let people here know to help guide you to resources nearby

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LifeEnColor
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Thank you for your replies. I think I knew what happened to me was rape but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I'm going to get counseling once I'm back at school, but I have to keep it hush hush. I don't want my family, especially my mother, to ever find out about this.

@bookwormfairy: I always felt inferior to him. He was older than me by two years and was a bit conceited and loved to hear himself talk. I never wanted to disappoint him or have him think I was dumb. Now I realize how big of a mistake that was. I've always been a people pleaser and he was my top priority.

I don't know what to do in the mean time, though. I have violent fits of depression where I burst out in to tears for no reason or have anxiety attacks. I have an overwhelming sense of exhaustion most of the time and can barely find the energy to get out of bed. I almost had a panic attack and ran out of a store him and I used to frequent. This is really scaring me. My boyfriend is my biggest supporter and I won't see him until the end of the month. I'm scared of my reactions to things and my own feelings. Even watching a movie (A Time to Kill) starts to make me panic and shake. I'm scared.

Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so scared right now. Getting counseling is an excellent idea, and college counseling centers are usually a great resource for that. Many even have counseling specifically for survivors of sexual abuse.

In the meantime, do you have anyone else that you can talk to about this? It's great that your boyfriend is so supportive, but it's often not a good idea to lean on a partner in a relationship for all of your support. Do you have any friends you can confide in? Or maybe another relative or a mentor that you trust?

Other than that, you'll just want to try and cope with the panic attacks until you can get in to see a counselor. What works for getting through them is pretty individual, and you'll just want to try a few things to see what does the trick for you. For example, I like to watch a favorite TV series or read a book to distract me, while a friend of mine prefers taking long walks. Some people find that relaxing and taking a bath helps, others like to be active and go for a work-out. If you have any creative outlets (like writing, or painting, for example), those can also help get you through an anxiety attack.

And, of course, you're welcome to keep talking about this here, and we'll help you in any way we can.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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LifeEnColor
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I'm just in such a weird place right now. I have extreme high and low days and they really worry me. One day I can be walking on clouds and feel optimistic about everything and the next day I'll be bawling my eyes out under the covers and trying to forget his face. Is there anything I can do for myself before counseling to help?
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September
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When are you going to be able to get counseling?

In the meantime, you'll just want to try to take good care of yourself. Listen to yourself, don't push yourself to do things you don't feel comfortable with. Treat yourself to things you like to do: reading a favourite book, hanging out with good friends, etc.

And don't expect too much of yourself. You feel the way you do because you've been through something really rough. It's okay to feel that way, and there is nothing wrong with you. It sucks, but it's how it is for now, and you've just got to try to take care of yourself as well as you can until you can get some more help.

I'll also suggest, again, that you find someone you can talk to about this. A close friend, relative, mentor, etc. Just someone who'll listen to you, support you, distract you, whatever you need.

[ 01-10-2011, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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LifeEnColor
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@September: I took your advice yesterday. I was in a panic the night before and I called my friend to ask for help. She had offered to come over right away which I found incredibly great of her. But instead I asked if I could come over the next day and she said I could. We spent the whole day hanging out, going out to lunch, taking a walk, and then watching some classic Disney movies. It was an amazing day and I didn't have a single panic attack. I'm hoping for more days like that and I thank you for making the suggestion.
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September
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You're very welcome! I am glad to hear that it worked out so well for you.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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