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Author Topic: Issues with Parents
TriNova
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Hello. This is something I have a hard time talking to others about, so forgive me if it seems like I'm vague.

You see, as far back as I can remember, my Mom has been a little unstable. She often goes into rages over the littlest things, such as the house not being perfectly clean or finding a couple ants somewhere in the house. When she goes into a rage, she goes off on everyone. Me, my sister, and my Dad. She's called me names like "dumbfuck", "dumbass", "stupid fucker", "bastard", etc. She's called my sister a bitch and a whore before. She says that my dad should just leave and go leech off somebody else and blaming any financial problems we get into on him. These are just examples of what she's said. Very rarely, there might be something physical with me and my sister. For example, she took a belt to me a couple weeks ago for simply getting in an argument with my sister, and she has grabbed me by the neck and pinned me against the wall before too. And often, she slaps us so hard that it leaves a sore spot on the sides of our faces for the rest of the day, but no bruises.

After this, she usually gets so worn out that she goes straight to bed and sleeps the rest of the day, and completely forgets about everything she has done and said. She also acts completely different when we have company and in public. I've brought this topic up with my dad before, but he writes it off as perfectly normal and seems to be "blinded by love", as I like to say.

I actually used to think this was normal, but then I started going to friends' houses. The first time, I wrote it off as the exception rather the the rule, but after I went to several other other houses, I realized that mine was the exception. I'm actually terrified to invite friends over to my house because of this, for fear that she'll go off while they're there. And I've gotten so depressed from it that I've been suicidal on and off. And the things she says actually repeat in my head, like "your a failure" when I get any kind of criticism, and (if I get a positive reaction)"They're lying. They don't really mean what they say".

I brought this up with my percussion instructor during a band practice one night. We talked for a good hour or so, and he actually told me that he had a similar family, and would always come home wandering what mood his mom was in. He then brought in the band director who talked with me about it and sent an e-mail to the counselor to talk to me in the morning. When I was talking to the councilor, I don't know if I was too vague or him being afraid to falsely accuse someone, but he said "I don't think your in any danger" and didn't do anything.

That was in October, and it's been bugging me since. I've actually questioned whether or not I'm exaggerating what she does. But I'm having a hard time thinking that I do when I compare my parents to everybody else's, which just makes me more depressed. I've only told two of my closest friends about this, and they've acted as my councilors so far. But I really feel like I've missed out an important part of my life and feel like I haven't had a childhood. And I still get those suicidal urges from time. Occasionally so bad that I toy around with my Dad's gun from time to time.

I really don't know what to do. I don't really want to keep using my friends as councilors since I know it puts tons of stress on them and makes them sad. But I don't think a school councilor meeting or psychiatrist session would help. And I don't even think that I could go to a shrink anyway, since they're expensive, and my parents would be suspicious if asked for enough money to afford a visit. I don't know of any in area either, or any that would let a minor in without some doctor's approval or approval from the parents.

Posts: 12 | From: Indiana | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jay M
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Hello tri-nova.. My mother too was prone to violent outburts especially when I was younger, but still to this day remains one of the most violent people I have ever met. Firstly, if YOU feel your life is in danger you should let the police know. Secondly, suicide is not the answer either, and if you are feeling suicidal at all I can recommend various organizations and numbers who can help. It sounds to me like your mother is dealing with a lot of stress, & stress makes normal sane people to insane things. I'd make attempts to communicate this with your mother. When I was thirteen my mom became so physically violent with me, my neighbors had to pry her off me. The next day, I sat down during her down time (You know this time) and talked about it all with her, she promised me to go to the doctors with me, and we sat with the doctor & her. She was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and he placed her on medicine. Talking directly makes a world of difference, the worst thing you can do is remain silent & it seems like you've talked to everyone but her. So try that, but still remember your well being comes before ANYTHING.

--------------------
Peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble, noise, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

Posts: 15 | From: Michigan | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TriNova
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I don't think talking to her would help. She's one of those people who can't take any blame herself and put's it all of on others.

As I'm typing this, she had just had another outburst. I actually got to the point where my hands and arms were physically shaking. I actually went into my dad's room, looked at his pocket revolver, and decided it wasn't lethal enough.

Still, I don't really trust organizations because I get the feeling that they don't care, that it's not their problem or that they think I'm exaggerating or that it'd be a waste of their time to work with me when they could be working with others. And I don't think any drugs would help because I'm smart enough to know it's just a placebo effect, that it doesn't really change anything.

I feel like I'm going insane. Why deal with 80 years of failure? Why prolong the suffering?

Posts: 12 | From: Indiana | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
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TriNova, I really, really encourage you to talk to someone about this, especially since you feel your physical safety is at risk and you're feeling suicidal. The National Suicide hotline is a good place to start with that: 1-800-273-8255

For more long-term help, since you're still a minor, you can also call the Child Protective Services (they have a toll-free hotline as well: 1-800-800-5556) for assistance. I would strongly encourage you to call - they'll be able to help you as well as your mother. They do care, it is their problem, and they will do something about the way your mother is treating you and your sister. You're being verbally and physically abused, and CPS will take action to make sure that you and your sister are safe and that your mother gets counseling or medication or whatever she needs.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5758 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
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This sounds a lot like my mother, who has borderline personality disorder.

If true, there really is nothing you can do or say to help her. I'd look up the disorder and see if it fits. There are good support groups online for children of borderline parents.

Also, if you have the courage, please call CPS and get out of there. I didn't have the courage (I didn't want to be responsible for "breaking up the family" - and I actually lied to them a couple times when other people have called on my behalf) but I couldn't even begin the healing process until I left home. I'd say the sooner your out of that situation, the better.

I don't know about the laws in your state, but in mine you are not allowed to commit people to mental institutions unless they are suicidal, and even then only for a couple days. Someone in your (and my) mother's condition needs way more than that, so she might not get the help she needs no matter what you do.

But you really need think about yourself first. I know it's hard, it took me years to realize I wasn't selfish like she liked to say, but rather not selfish ENOUGH. Take care of yourself first.

--------------------
~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 871 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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