posted
Dont know if you'd call it that. But heres my story, and I don't know how to feel about it all.
Grade 7. Around March... New girl in school, small, dark haired, nervous, and a sketch pad clutched in tiny hands. Michaela.
I was the new girl in grade 7, in sept.
I was doing ok, made a friend. New school, new province... kinda scary.
Anyway, the teacher told me and my only acquired friend to show her around and make her feel welcome. Not that bad... She attracted alot of attention... Her sketch pad full of Sketches and drawings of Anime pictures... I was jealous sortof... I was the new artist of the school... or "was"
We became good friends eventualy. But she was hiding this awful secret behind those innocent black eyes...
She was partly obsessive... And managed to get me away form my only friends, using the one thing we had in common. Love of Anime. She got me into a stupid roleplay. And we got so involved in our "characters".
Roleplay online (msn and stuff) turned into real life playing, acting it out. All summer.
It was fun... Untill I realised I couldnt go back to my friends. She used her life story to keep me with her. Her "mental hospital" stays. Her morbid pictures colored with blood. I realized i was stuck in this awful relationship. She was morbid. She was soon threatening me.
She said If I didnt stay a night at her house, She'd run away. Minor threats of course, but I'm not the kindof person to let people do that. (Im sortof a pushover, and overly caring) Those threats sooned turned into, "I'll cut myself if you dont come over". Soon I had to kiss her, and let her kiss me. I had to watch her get dressed, and look at everyone of her "secret" drawings. I had to like all the anime stuff she liked. Which tunred into Hentai (and anime porn) btw. I had to touch her, and let her touch me.
And I was stuck, because our "characters" did this online. I didnt know it was wrong. I was like... 12.
So I was stuck. And I had lost all my friends to this morbid insane lesbian.
I snapped. I turned to cutting to get away from it all. She did it too, anyway. It got so bad eventualy though. I was scared, and I didnt know how to get away. I went through councilling every 2 weeks, but too scared to mention it. (Im a nervous person) I wrote a suicide letter in school one day, and a teacher found it. And I spent 2 weeks in a mental ward.
Afterwards, it was all fights. More threats, but I was stronger... (sortof. the mental ward is so life scarring) I was better then her. And I had my mom, (sortof) though my mom was upset because I had sunk so low.
After My mother found records of threats, we got cops involved, and took away her computer.
Half of my grade 8 year was spent trying to get away from her. She wanted to be near me, and was doing anything to get to me. Hanging with my friends, following me. going to every after school thing as me. Stalking.
I had to be in the same class as her, same school, same hallways. It was hard to avoid.
Through grade 9, Its been hard aswell. I dont cut anymore, I do not want to die. But I have a fear of her and her newly acquired morbid friend. Michaela's new friend Courtney, is your average school cum bucket... As bad as it sounds. And she "swings both ways". Courtney often threatens me, throws things at me, and glares. Because Michaela's turned her on me, saying that I forced her to do those things to her.
It's hard to recal my incident, because my way of getting over it was to whipe most of it from my memory.
But I've gotten through another year. And Highschool is in september... I'm bound to lose her there.
thats my story... Here's my question.
1. Was that sexual abuse? Am I the victim? 2. Im still scared of her, But Im not a homophobe. I dont care if gay couples kiss and go on, But just... not with me. Is being scared of a particular Lesbian, still called Homophobia? 3. Any tips for avoiding her in school and life in general? 4. Tips on getting over this ordeal?
I now have a boyfriend, (of 9 months) but im ashamed to say my first kiss was with a girl... and I was forced. Its hard to type this out and post on the internet for all to see. But I dont know where else to go. My love, he helps me with alot things, just being there is good enough. He understands, and loves me just the same. nd my mom says that if I still need counciling, I need to go back to the hospital, and i DONT want to go back there.
PLEASE HELP ME
Posts: 4 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2010
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I don't have a lot of time for an in-depth reply right now, but I just wanted to go through your questions quickly to make sure that you have those answers, at least.
Firstly, yes: what happened to you was both sexual and emotional abuse. But we're actually not such great fans of the word "victim", as it's a very passive word. You've managed to leave an abusive relationship. You reached out to your mother and to the school administration, you asked for help and received it, and you managed to get out of that relationship. All of those things are very active, and show that you're very strong and brave. So, we actually prefer using the word "survivor", because it's much more active and empowering. And also much more apt, given how much guts it takes to get through abuse.
I also don't think you are a homophobe at all. You are afraid of one particular person, for very specific and rational reasons. Being a homophobe means being afraid of an entire group of people, for very irrational reasons. So, don't worry about that, okay?
Since the school year is just about over, and you say you'll be going to different high schools, you probably won't have to worry so much about seeing her again. That's good, because it means that you can focus more on yourself, and on your healing process.
Do you live in the same area at all? Is there a chance that you'll be running into her?
As far as getting over this is concerned, the best thing you can probably do for yourself is to continue with counseling. I understand that you don't want to go back to the hospital, and I also don't see that that's at all necessary. Can you perhaps talk to your mother about that again? It sounds like she's been supportive of you so far, so it might be worth a try to explain to her that you're not actively suicidal right now, but that you DO need some on-going professional support in working through what's happened to you.
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8455 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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I do live in a small town. and it only has one highschool, that ALL the intermediate schools go to. So the school is big, and she'll probably get lost amongst the crowd.
As for her friend, Courtney, she has a wider group of friends. So I dont know how that'll go in the future. But that is all "what if's".
I will talk to my mom about more councilling. Thank you for the support. =)
Posts: 4 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2010
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I'm sorry to hear that you'll all have to go to the same school. One thing that I would suggest, if you're comfortable with that, would be that you might want to contact the school's counselor once you get there, and apprise them of the situation, to make sure that there's someone in your corner who you can approach if you do run into her or Courtney.
And I'll keep my fingers crossed for you for your conversation with your mother.
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8455 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Thanks for everything, My mom said that I can go back to counselling, but not on a regular basis, only when times get rough. And I will talk to the counsellor in grade 10 =)
Posts: 4 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
I'm glad to hear that you've been able to talk to your mother! If that's an arrangement that also works for you and that you feel comfortable with, then that's great.
I hope that things go well for you, and you continue to heal. And you're welcome here anytime you need help!
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8455 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Ami.h42: Dont know if you'd call it that. But heres my story, and I don't know how to feel about it all.
Grade 7. Around March... New girl in school, small, dark haired, nervous, and a sketch pad clutched in tiny hands. Michaela.
I was the new girl in grade 7, in sept.
I was doing ok, made a friend. New school, new province... kinda scary.
Anyway, the teacher told me and my only acquired friend to show her around and make her feel welcome. Not that bad... She attracted alot of attention... Her sketch pad full of Sketches and drawings of Anime pictures... I was jealous sortof... I was the new artist of the school... or "was"
We became good friends eventualy. But she was hiding this awful secret behind those innocent black eyes...
She was partly obsessive... And managed to get me away form my only friends, using the one thing we had in common. Love of Anime. She got me into a stupid roleplay. And we got so involved in our "characters".
Roleplay online (msn and stuff) turned into real life playing, acting it out. All summer.
It was fun... Untill I realised I couldnt go back to my friends. She used her life story to keep me with her. Her "mental hospital" stays. Her morbid pictures colored with blood. I realized i was stuck in this awful relationship. She was morbid. She was soon threatening me.
She said If I didnt stay a night at her house, She'd run away. Minor threats of course, but I'm not the kindof person to let people do that. (Im sortof a pushover, and overly caring) Those threats sooned turned into, "I'll cut myself if you dont come over". Soon I had to kiss her, and let her kiss me. I had to watch her get dressed, and look at everyone of her "secret" drawings. I had to like all the anime stuff she liked. Which tunred into Hentai (and anime porn) btw. I had to touch her, and let her touch me.
And I was stuck, because our "characters" did this online. I didnt know it was wrong. I was like... 12.
So I was stuck. And I had lost all my friends to this morbid insane lesbian.
I snapped. I turned to cutting to get away from it all. She did it too, anyway. It got so bad eventualy though. I was scared, and I didnt know how to get away. I went through councilling every 2 weeks, but too scared to mention it. (Im a nervous person) I wrote a suicide letter in school one day, and a teacher found it. And I spent 2 weeks in a mental ward.
Afterwards, it was all fights. More threats, but I was stronger... (sortof. the mental ward is so life scarring) I was better then her. And I had my mom, (sortof) though my mom was upset because I had sunk so low.
After My mother found records of threats, we got cops involved, and took away her computer.
Half of my grade 8 year was spent trying to get away from her. She wanted to be near me, and was doing anything to get to me. Hanging with my friends, following me. going to every after school thing as me. Stalking.
I had to be in the same class as her, same school, same hallways. It was hard to avoid.
Through grade 9, Its been hard aswell. I dont cut anymore, I do not want to die. But I have a fear of her and her newly acquired morbid friend. Michaela's new friend Courtney, is your average school cum bucket... As bad as it sounds. And she "swings both ways". Courtney often threatens me, throws things at me, and glares. Because Michaela's turned her on me, saying that I forced her to do those things to her.
It's hard to recal my incident, because my way of getting over it was to whipe most of it from my memory.
But I've gotten through another year. And Highschool is in september... I'm bound to lose her there.
thats my story... Here's my question.
1. Was that sexual abuse? Am I the victim? 2. Im still scared of her, But Im not a homophobe. I dont care if gay couples kiss and go on, But just... not with me. Is being scared of a particular Lesbian, still called Homophobia? 3. Any tips for avoiding her in school and life in general? 4. Tips on getting over this ordeal?
I now have a boyfriend, (of 9 months) but im ashamed to say my first kiss was with a girl... and I was forced. Its hard to type this out and post on the internet for all to see. But I dont know where else to go. My love, he helps me with alot things, just being there is good enough. He understands, and loves me just the same. nd my mom says that if I still need counciling, I need to go back to the hospital, and i DONT want to go back there.
PLEASE HELP ME
-------------------- Amazingly me Posts: 25 | From: United States of America | Registered: Jul 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
I have a sexual abuse story also. It all started when I was 10. I was a beginning trouble maker. I was pretty clueless and sort of innocent. Evry1 @ school (well my class at least) was talking about one thing: SEX. I didn't know what it was back then (well I do now of corse). So I told my friends I had sex. I guess one of them told someone. And boy was I in trouble! When my parents found out they spanked me repeadily with a leather belt. And told me my friends would never like me again. I felt horrible about myself, so I fell into a depression about three years(mostly because of the abuse). I was lonly and afraid. I wanted a secret I could keep from everyone. In April of 5th grade I found that secret. My parents had me in daycare b4 and after school. There was this one boy named Bob, at first he seemed sweet. He always told me how pretty I was. One day after school the teacher who was watching us at daycare stepped out for about 20 min. And the cameras were turned off. It was me "Bob" and his other gf. He was playing with "Kathy" ( the other girlfriend) which I was used to. He came by me and I guess he told me to open my legs. When I did he put his hand on my vagina but my pants were on. The next day I went to school i was happy I had my own secret. In seventh grade I realized how much it hurt me. I promised myself I would never let it happen again. In march of 8th grade it happened all ovr again. I went to a small youth group in someone's house. There was this other boy named "Brennan" we sat on this couch all alone and I was bummed that no one wanted to text me. So he told me to give him my phone. I kept telling him no and I eventually put it on my thigh in my pants. So he casually slipped his hand in my pants. I thought he was going to get the phone but he put his hand in my underwear and felt my vagina. I felt like i was breathing through a straw. He tried to finger me but I kept telling him it hurt. He took his hand out of my pants and into my bra and sqeezed my nipple. He saw I was turnng pale and stopped. The next time I saw him he did the same thing. I have some q's?? 1. Should i tell someone about this? 2. And do you have any tips on how to deal with PTSD
-------------------- Amazingly me Posts: 25 | From: United States of America | Registered: Jul 2010
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posted
Have you seen a counselor ever to talk about this and determine if you have PTSD and if so, who can help you manage it?
In terms of reporting, that's always up to you. (Just plain telling people about these experiences is always something you can do: all of us should be able to talk to someone about anything we need to.) But you will first want to figure out if there is something to report. In other words, if a crime has been committed. Reading what you've written, I'm having a hard time understanding if these sexual activities were things that happened with same-age people where you consented to them or not.
Now, you can tell someone about either or both of these things regardless, or without knowing that answer for sure or explaining it to us. But if you want an opinion about reporting these incidents as abuses, it might help to give us a better idea on that. In the case of the first incident, it sounds, from what you have written, like this was consensual. With the second, I'm hearing you express you said something hurt (and said no to Brennan taking your phone), but I'm not sure I'm clear on if this was or wasn't something you consented to.
I want to make sure something is very clear, though: even if these were things you consent to, we don't always feel good about everything we do, allow or okay. Sometimes we may even feel very bad about those things. And if and when that's the case, we may have trauma to address and manage, and it's always okay to ask for help.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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