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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Is it really abuse?

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Author Topic: Is it really abuse?
melli10
Neophyte
Member # 42015

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So I just realized that it has been almost a year since I was raped...and time has really flown by. I mean I have been working really hard to try and heal. I see a social worker at my school now and I also talk to my band director a lot about everything that happenedd...and how it is affecting me todayy.

My triggers are becoming very hard to deal with. Like I keep on having really intense frequent anxiety attacks sometimes three times a week. Also my dad kinda just blows it off every time I try to talk to him about it. My brother basically says its my faultt; the only ones who are being supportive are my friends and my sisters.

Its been rough...but right now its even more confusing because of my boyfriendd.

I started dating him about a month ago and I was very straightforward with him. I told him about what I have been through and hard it is for me sometimes to deal with things...and at first everything was okayy...

Then he starts talking about how he wants to have sex with me. I keep on telling him that I don't want to but he always says "If you really like me as much as you say you do then you will want to" Also he has been trying to convince me not to go to college. Once I told him that I refuse to not go he has started to try controlling where i go for college. I told him my dream was to travel the world and be in a drum corps called the bluecoats. He said i am not allowedd. Also he keeps saying how he wants to have a babyy, now. I have told him a million times that I have college but he keeps trying to guilt trip me. Like he makes me feel like a horrible person and everything so he can try to get what he wants. When I confronted him about how he was abusing me emotionally he said he was so sorry and startedd cryingg...he said things would change but nothing hasn't. Im just scaredd because my panic attacks are becoming worse now...it hurts to eat and i can barely sleep...i wanna leave him but i don't know how...he makes me feel so terriblee...he tries to say its not abuse but i kinda feel like it is and i just don't know what to do. I can't talk to my dad or my brother because they will blame it on me. and im scared to talk to my sister...i don't know what to do...

Posts: 32 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
melli10
Neophyte
Member # 42015

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Also I went to the movies with him a couple weeks ago and he started trying to put his hand under my skirt and i told him to stop so instead he grabbed my breast and started pinching it really hard to where i had a bruise and proceeded to tell me that i deserved that and i wanted it...that has kinda thrown me off too...thats why im scared to hang out with him again because i don't want to put myself in a situation to where i might get hurt even worse but idk what to do.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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This is someone to get away from, plain and simple.

You know you feel terrible, you know most of this has not been okay or healthy, and that it also has been abusive.

So, you need to get away and stay away from this person. Do you live with him? It doesn't sound like it, which is good if so: it makes getting away and staying away a lot less of a challenge.

If you feel your family will not be supportive and help you with this, how about your friends? Or, can we connect you to services for intimate partner violence and abuse in your area?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
melli10
Neophyte
Member # 42015

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No I don't live with him. Actually he lives a good half an hour away from me. Its just hard. Like I have kinda seen the signs that he is treating me bad and everything, but i just hate hurting people. Which i know that sounds kind of dumb considering that he is hurting me, but i can't help but feel bad. I mean I want to tell my friends about it, but i am just afraid they will make a very big deal about the whole situation...and i think that making a huge deal out of it will make everything worse...
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Here's something to consider: if we are going to have any kind of relationships with other people, we all risk getting hurt. That's just the inescapable deal. You signed onto that when starting in a relationship and so did he. he's a full person, like you, not a puppy, if you get me. In other words, it's not your responsibility to parent him or protect his feelings when he is doing someone else (you or anyone else) harm.

But you stepping away from someone who is doing you harm isn't "hurting people." It's you protecting yourself. And staying around someone so they can abuse or mistreat you isn't doing them any favors, either: that only enables them to keep living and interacting in a way that makes both you and they unhappy.

People who abuse and maltreat don't feel good about doing so. It's their choice to act that way, mind, and they are responsible for their actions, but they rarely feel good about it. Thing is, it's also their responsibility to recognize when they are acting that way -- and you told him, so he knows, you helped that way -- and then take the steps and do the work to change those behaviours. And to do that, they need to seek out things like counseling. Staying in relationship where they are acting like this helps nobody.

As well, one big life lesson many of us have to learn at some point is that while we are not responsible for anyone abusing us, we can enable abuse if we don't act in our own protection and in our own self-care. So, being passive and not taking care of yourself, or staying in an unhealthy relationship to keep from "hurting someone," doesn't accomplish that. It just plays a part in assuring everyone, he AND you, stays hurting. Know what I mean?

You need to tell someone you can trust. It really is important. So, which of your friends or sisters do you trust to support you, but also act in a way with this that helps keep you safe, rather than potentially escalates things?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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melli10
Neophyte
Member # 42015

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That is very true to be honest. I never really thought of it that way. I just always kinda thought I would be the bad person if I left. Everything you are saying is true though. I understand exactly what you mean. I think I am going to talk to my oldest sister about it...because she was the one who was the most supportive when i spoke up about being raped. And I would also appreciate it if you could give me some connections to services in ohio that help people deal with these things; i would greatly appreciate it.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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For sure: can you give me your zip code?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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