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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Friend might be engaged to an abuser

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Author Topic: Friend might be engaged to an abuser
Brassgirl
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Member # 38659

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Hi everyone,

A good friend of mine has been dating a guy she met online for about three months now. I always got some bad vibes from him. He gets upset if she doesn't call to check in with him, gets upset if she wears clothes he feels might make other men look at her, and isolates her from her friends, family, and schoolwork.

I just found out that he has proposed to her and she said yes.

I am very concerned for her well being. Although he has not hit or belittled her yet (that I know of), I can see where this path is leading and don't want to see anything bad happen to her.

My question is: How can I express my concern without her shutting down and pushing me away? She thinks that she has a perfect, special relationship, and I'm afraid if I upset her that her fiance will start to isolate her from me, too.

How would you guys handle this?

Thanks a million!

Posts: 41 | From: East Coast, USA | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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Member # 36725

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Hi Brassgirl. I’m sorry to hear your friend is in a relationship wish some pretty controlling dynamics. Are you really close with this friend? Is she someone that you generally are able to be really open and honest with? This will make it easier for you to talk with her.

Is this something you’re tried to bring to her attention before? Obviously we can’t force someone to listen to us, but we can promise to be there for them. As well, it’s difficult to really see the dynamics of a relationship as abusive when we want to believe they’re perfect. One thing to want to do is make sure you’re somewhere you can both talk openly and honestly without being disturbed. You may begin with asking a question about how he acts, or simply letting her know that you notice and are worried about her being pulled away from people that are important to her. Let her know that in healthy relationships people respect their partners having friends and family outside of them. Because you know your friend, it’ll be easier for you to formulate exactly what method of talking would be best. Know too it’s not going to be something she likely wants to hear – but be sure to let her know you’re there for her and are saying this out of concern and love for her.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brassgirl
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Thank you for your help! I am very close to this friend and will do my best to try and bring my concerns to her attention and be supportive regardless of what happens.

How do you think I should handle the situation if she becomes defensive?

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Stephanie_1
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If she becomes defensive, give her a little time. Let her know that you're there for her and care about her, and that if she needs or wants to talk about it with you you're there for her. If you push too hard when she's pushing back, she may see it as you not being on her side.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Brassgirl
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Very true, very true. Thanks again!
Posts: 41 | From: East Coast, USA | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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Welcome. Good luck [Smile]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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