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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Blacked out for sex, relationships afterword?

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Author Topic: Blacked out for sex, relationships afterword?
Hailey13
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Member # 45035

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I don't know if this belongs here, seeing as I am a new member but here it goes.... (I apologize ahead of time for this being so long. I'll try to keep it short).

I am a lesbian. I was dating my high school girlfriend for over two years and we started fighting. She said my friendship with a male friend who I had known for a year and a half was inappropriate. After a couple of months of fighting she gave me an ultimatum: her or him. I chose to stay with her, however, my guy friend was already planning on visiting me.

The next day my girlfriend found out that he was visiting me and broke up with me. After yelling at me for hours on the phone about me cheating on her, she said that she wanted to pick up her stuff from my place the next morning.

I was really upset and my guy friend and I started drinking. The last thing I remember, besides little snippets, is saying that I needed to catch up with him drinking wise.

My ex gf came the next day at 7:30am to pick up her things. I was really hung over when I answered the door. When she saw my guy friend sleeping in my room, she assaulted him and then pulled a knife on him (I was between them during most of the fight and the knife incident).

My ex gf is banned from the area where I live. My guy friend told me a couple days later that he and I had had unprotected sex the night that we were both drinking and that I should go get checked out. I did. My guy friend then tells me that his girlfriend doesn't want him and I talking because of what happened between us (the sex... which I don't remember.... but he does....).

I had pretty much dismissed this as much as I could because it was hard to lose my gf and my best guy friend. The thing that threw a wrench in the mix was when he called me two days ago and told me that he liked me.

I just don't know what to do. I would like to be friends with my guy friend but I don't know if that's right or appropriate since we had sex while I was blacked out (he knew I'm a lesbian but we still had sex). I also don't know what to do about my ex gf. She assaulted my guy friend and has a police record now but still wants to be with me and says she still loves me. I like them very much but I am emotional about the whole chain of events that just happened and don't know what is best for me to do.

Please help.

Posts: 3 | From: United States | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but both of them sound like unsafe people to be around, physically and emotionally. Your girlfriend assaulted this guy and sounds very controlling, and this guy sounds like he took advantage of your emotional state, and it also sounds like he sexually assaulted you (after all, he couldn't have been blacked out if he was able to have intercourse).

I can say more about why I think that if you want me to, but it's one of those things that strikes me, personally, as so obvious and clear that there's only so more TO say in terms of what to do about both these people (rather than talking about your feelings around all of this, where there's probably a lot to talk about) beyond staying away from them, you know?

[ 12-17-2009, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68138 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hailey13
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Member # 45035

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Thank you for your opinion... I know it strikes you as obvious, however, if I do not associate with either of them I do not have any other support network. My ex whom I had known for four to five years and my best guy friend... Both gone in one swing because both are not good for me?

I know it's easy for a third party to say what's 'obvious' but how am I supposed to cope with the assaults (my ex's on the guy and possible guy on me) and then losing my best friends all in one go? Counselors can only go so far. You can't have late afternoon coffee or see a Friday night movie with a counselor.

So pardon me for not seeing it as 'obvious'. I don't mean to be rude. I'm really lost because in previous situations like this I've always had my ex gf for comfort... But now I tried talking to her and she said that she's stop being upset with me if I'd stop doing things wrong. That the things I'm doing wrong are obvious to everyone else but me.... I don't know. Maybe I just didn't get the social code book to relationships... but then I looked at the checklist posted. I checked almost all of them in relation to my ex gf....

Sorry for bothering you again...

Posts: 3 | From: United States | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Here's the thing though: it doesn't sound to me like either of them ARE a support network. Sexually assaulting someone who comes to you when they are upset and is blacked out (and going even further and calling it "having sex") is not support, it is abuse. Putting out ultimatums about a friendship and brandishing knives: also not supportive but abusive.

In other words, as tough as it is -- and I know that it is, and am really sorry for that -- I think whether you see either of these people again or not, you have lost them as friends already. In other words, neither of them has been your friend of late. This is not how people who earnestly care for us behave.

I don't see that you are doing anything wrong here: you can't "do right" by abusive people, no matter how hard you try. Their rules and ideas about what is right behaviour are dysfunctional, you know?

So, my suggestion to you, the best I have, is to get away from these two people and anyone else in your life who is abusive. To find some new friendships with healthy people and start cultivating those.

(And you're not bothering me, I promise.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68138 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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