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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » rape? abuse? or neither?

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Author Topic: rape? abuse? or neither?
Member # 45006

Icon 5 posted      Profile for hisnamewasjack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok, so a few weeks ago I was at my friends house. There were about five of us there including me and my best male friend, let's call him Sam. It was a good night and at about 2 am we all went to bed. I was sharing a room with my best female friend, let's call her Anna. Anyway, when I was almost completely asleep Sam comes in and gets into bed with us (double bed) this wasn't unusual as Sam and I are very tactile people and also the people he was sharing with were being really noisy. So he gets in and puts his arms round me, which was also normal. He whispers to me, 'are you awake?' but because I can't be bothered to start a conversation I stay quiet and try and sleep. Then he begins to touch my boobs, gently. He's done this before as a joke and so I just hoped he was joking around and would stop, but he didn't. I said nothing but tried to move subtly away so he would know I was sleeping and would stop. But instead he moves his hands down to my underwear and begins to touch my through my underwear. Then he touches me underneath. I was half asleep but still very weirded out and moved slightly away but he didn't stop. He continued to touch me down there and touch my boobs for several minutes. Then he began to kiss my face and neck and asked me again if I was awake. i didn't answer again because I jsut wanted him to stop and it wouldn't have to be seriously awkward. So then he begins to pull my arm as if he's trying to pull me onto my back (i'm lying on my side) and i resist again, but he pulls my hand toward his penis and begins to hold my hand to his penis and rub it against it, to simulate a handjob. Now I am fighting tears and move more forcefully away, but he continues to touch my boobs. Then, another friend comes in and jokes about joining in on the fun but Sam says 'I think she's asleep'
Sam knows what happened because a close friend told him for me, and he was horrified and says he doesn't remember. I'm not sure if I believe him. But I want to know whether it was partly my fault or did he do something seriously wrong? I'm so confused between loving my best friend but then at the time being so freaked out I couldn't look at him for a week.
what was it? i need a neutral source to tell me. Thanks,
L x

Posts: 1 | From: united kingdom | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

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You did absolutely nothing wrong here. This guy, "Sam" touched you completely inappropriately, and I would absolutely call this sexual assault.

It's never okay for someone to touch someone without their consent, and you clearly did NOT give consent here. You may not have said no, but your body language would have delivered that message all on it's own. Even more importantly, he thought you were asleep, meaning that HE thought that you were *incapable* of consent at the time (you can't consent to something if you're not awake).

A guy who does this is really not your friend. He clearly doesn't respect you, your emotions, and your body at all. If you do want to continue your friendship, I strongly encourage you to set very firm boundaries with him such as no touching.

You may also want to seek out counseling to help sort through some of this. If you'd like help locating resources, we're happy to help.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

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ETA: D'oh, atm1 got there first! But I'll leave this up because there's stuff I've expanded upon, and links [Smile]

hey, hisnamewasjack, welcome to Scarleteen! I'm so sorry to hear about what your friend did to you, that really wasn't okay of him.

And no, you did not do anything wrong at all. He did this to you, you did nothing to invite him or allow him to touch you. You did not consent to him touching you, and he didn't even give you the opportunity to; this was for sure sexual assault and rape. Even if he thought you were actually asleep, it was still rape because you cannot give consent when you're asleep. So what he did was very wrong, and not at all your fault, you did nothing in any way to deserve this.

I would suggest staying away from this person, as he has just proven that he can't be trusted. Someone who would sexually assault you while you slept is not someone who can be trusted. Because that is just not something you do to someone you respect. I would also not believe that he couldn't remember it, if I were you, because that is a line often used by people who sexually assault others and then try to get out of facing consequences.

How are you feeling about all this? Would you like to talk about it some more? If you're feeling like you want to talk to someone more directly, you could phone a local sexual assault or rape hotline -- they deal with sexual assault too. If you're having trouble finding any, we could help you out if you gave us a general location (city you live near, etc).

Here are a few links that you might find helpful in dealing with this.

Dealing With Rape

How can men know if someone is giving consent or not?

From Victim To Survivor

Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

We're here to talk more if you'd like to discuss this further [Smile] Hope you're doing okay!

[ 12-14-2009, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 44994

Icon 1 posted      Profile for diex-romantic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You most definitely did NOT do anything wrong. As it was stated above, he thought you were sleeping, therefore making you unable to consent to anything. By you trying to move away, you did the right thing. You tried to tell him no.

I would also agree with both atm1 and onionpie, when they say that staying away is your best option. You certainly do not want history to repeat itself.

If you do choose to seek out counseling, which I do recommend, I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this situation, and know that you are not alone!

Posts: 10 | From: new york | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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