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Author Topic: ughh..
lindzay
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Member # 40660

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i'm in an abusive relationship, and i know it.
i'm never happy anymore.
some days even when i'm hanging out with my boyfriend.
it's pretty sad.
ugh.
i don't have anyone to talk to so i thought i'd come here..
you don't have to answer if you don't have the time.
i know i'm not worth anyones time.
[Frown]

Posts: 23 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Why do you think you're not worth anyone's time honey ? Has anyone ever made you feel like that, like you didn't deserve their time ?

I'm more than happy to answer your post and I do assure you that anyone's worth being given some time and attention when they are having a difficult time and you make no exception.

I'm glad that you've come here for help if you have no one else to turn to. Do you happen to have any friends or family members, a teacher or counselor that you could discuss all of that with ? Would you think that would be something feasable ? I think a counselor could be a good person to talk to who also could help you.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are in an abusive relationship. *hugs* going your way.

I do think that the first step in order to get out of an abusive relationship is to realize that the relationship we're in is not healthy, that it is abusive, which you just did and it's great to see that.

Have you ever thought of ending the relationship ? After all, what's the point of staying in a relationship that pretty much always leaves us feeling unhappy ? Does the thought of ending the relationship scares you ? Do you think that you'd be able to do so ?

What can we do to help you ? Do you want to talk about it ? We're here to listen if that's the case and we'd be please to do so, I assure you.

Have you taken a look already at the abusive partner's checklist we have here as well as this article about abuse, it might help :
The abusive partner's checklist

Blinders off: getting a look at abuse and assault

[ 04-04-2009, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lindzay
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Member # 40660

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well, i could go to my friends.. but he's pretty much taken away all of them.. i can't talk to any of them..
ugh, it's really complicated.
i've thought of ending it, many times, and it does scare me.
he's made me stop talking to all of the most important people in my life. my best friends. just beacuse i did something that made him mad.. i hungout with them. UGH! [Frown]
so ,it scares me because i'm scared that if i leave him.. i'll have no one to go to because i stopped talking to them.. so i think they all hate me.
so if i do leave him, i'll sit in my room, and try to get through it alone.. i'm scared of being alone. and typing this is making me cry..
i miss the old life i had before he turned into this possessive manipulative controlling monster.. [Frown]
i just wish he could go back to the way he was because i know he could if he wanetd to.. he used to be the best thing in my life, now he's just a heartbreaker.

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lindzay
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i've disregarded pretty much all of my friends because of him.
i'm the worst best friend anyone could ever have..

Posts: 23 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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I hear you. Your relationship sounds indeed very abusive and I'd strongly suggest you to get away from it, even though it isn't an easy thing to do. The guy has no right of taking your friends away from you.

I know it sucks to be alone and to have no one else to talk to and I hear that you feel that this is going to happen if you leave this guy. But, at the same time, you got to ask yourself if this guy is really a good person to talk with ? Sometimes, it's best to end up alone rather than staying with somebody that we can talk with but that hurts us and makes us feel unhappy. I know you deserve more than that, you deserve a caring partner that will love you and that will care about you.

You'll eventually make new friends that are better friends than this guy or might even reconnect with those old friends that you've lost connection with, I assure you. I just think that you are going to be far safer without this guy around.

I want you to know though that this is normal to feel scared about ending a relationship but I know you're able to, others have done it before you.

You just can't change who this guy is, the person he is. You know, often that's how it goes, the beginning of a relationship with an abuser can be really awesome and over time you discover that the person is not the person he pretends to be or you thought she was, that he is not that awesome of a guy. Often, that is just going to be a trick they use in order to make you stick around.

Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor ? Would that be something you're interested in ? Right now, if you can't talk to your friends, would there be anyone else you could talk about this with beside this abusive guy ?

Hang in there !

[ 04-04-2009, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lindzay
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i try to talk to him about it.. but it usually ends up him yelling at me and telling me to stop complaining that he'll get better.. i just keep hoping and praying that he will [Frown]
because i know he can be better, he used to be better! [Frown]
i don't know about a counselor.. but it might help, i just don't know where to find a counselor?
and i've told my older sister about it, all she tells me is to leave him.
I just can;t find the strenghth in me to do it..

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cool87
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I suggest honey to not talk about it with him. I really don't think he's a good person to talk with. He does not want you to be happy, he does not care about you or else he wouldn't be abusive towards you. Truth is he probably does not care about how you feel. And he might even use things that you are going to tell him against you, in order to hurt you even more because that's what he probably is aiming for given he's abusive.

Chances are though that he's not going to change. You might hope he will but that's very likely not going to happen.

I'm glad to hear that you've at least got a sister right now to talk with or at least somebody to support you, even though she does not seem very talkative. Could you tell your parents ? How old are you if I may ask ?

I'm sure a counselor might help, even if that's just having somebody to talk to, if you'd like we could help you find a counselor in your area. Just maybe give us your location ? That is also something you can search for in the yellow pages if you'd prefer.

I'd still like you to consider yet again leaving this relationship because I'm pretty sure that is the best thing to do in this situation. I know you feel like you aren't able to, but how about trying and giving it a shot, even though you don't believe in yourself that you are able to do so, I do believe that you're able to, you might be surprise at how strong you really are.

[ 04-04-2009, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Leave him. And don't look back. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, it should not be allowed to continue. And the person with the strength and the opportunity to end it is you, so you should use that strength! Because you ARE strong enough. You may not feel like you are, but trust me, you are. You only feel like you're not strong enough to leave because that's how he's MADE you feel -- that's what he WANTS you to feel.

And if your friends were truly good friends (and you'd be able to tell) before you stopped talking to them, do you know what? They will still be there for you. And they will be there to help you through getting over him, and they will understand how he manipulated and controlled you and pretty much forced you to not hang out with them.

If you let them know that you love them and appreciate them and are so sorry for not talking to them, and that you need their help -- they will be there to give it to you. They won't blame you if they know you were manipulated and controlled, if you and them were good friends beforehand. They'll still be good friends.

My best friends have stuck with me through a lot of shit, including something like what you're going through, and we've come out of it even closer. They've helped me through so much, and they've ALWAYS been there for me, through the bad times and the good.

And leaving will be the best thing that ever happened to you. Even if you're scared of being alone, compared to what you're in now, it'll be a relief. Don't think you'll be alone -- think you'll be FREE! You'll be able to do what you want, go where you want, say what you want, and hang out with whoever you want with no fear of repercussions, no fear of shouting or put-downs, no worries about what he'll say or do. You shouldn't think about what he was like at the beginning, you should think about what it'll be like at the end -- without him there. I know the feeling, and it really is a great relief.

It's like finally being able to throw the windows open after a long winter, letting in the clean spring air, smelling that fresh smell. It feels like you've finally taken your life into your own hands again, like you're the only one in control of your future for the first time in such a long while. It's really worth it, in the long run.

So please, do it. You deserve to be free!

Posts: 1299 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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