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Author Topic: Was it rape?
melli10
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Well i feel so lost right now. I met this guy. he was very nice, funny, and he said the sweetest things. I was quite excited at first because we had a lot in common and he said he liked me a lot! After talking a lot on the phone and on the computer he asked me to come over...at first i said no. It just felt wrong. Then he started yelling and saying how if i didn't go over there then i would be a tease and a slut for talking to him. So i reluctantly agreed. I went over there thinking that we were just going to watch a movie. Then all of a sudden he started kissing me. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. And then he proceeded to get on top of me and had sex with me...and he refused to put on a condom. Then after that he told me that i wanted it so bad, and that it is my fault if i get pregnant. And then he started playing his video game. After he said that i started feeling like it was my fault...if i just would've not went over there, maybe this wouldn't of happened. Im just so scared. I mean i usually can talk to my friends or my teachers at school, but i just cant. and also...he emailed me and asked me when I am coming over again for more. I told him i couldn't but he said he will find a way to get me over there...i just feel like this is all my fault. and im so confusedd. [Confused]
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atm1
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Melli, I'm so sorry that that happened.

First of all, I'm not totally clear on the timeline of these events, but if it's been less than 120 hours, you can still obtain EC. If it has been, I strongly encourage you to look into that. If it has been 10-14 days since this incident, you can take a pregnancy test.

Secondly, this is in no way your fault. Through reading this, and your other post, it seems very clear to me that this is someone who actively coerced you into this situation in the first place and then completely disregarded everything you said.

I know you said you can't talk to anyone right now, but I'm worried about your safety, considering he has threatened you (saying he'll "find a way" to get you over there against your will is definitely a threat). Would it be possible to tell your parents/teachers/friends that you really want this guy to stay away from you, even if you can't tell them what happened?

It does also sound like you're talking to at least one friend (I got that from your other post), and I really do encourage you to seek support where you can find it right now. Is there a school counselor you can talk to? Or do you have options to see a therapist or counselor outside of school?

Lastly, I would call what happened to you rape, but you can call the experience what you'd like. If you'd prefer to say that you were sexually assaulted or use other language, that's entirely your choice. But, in terms of the legal definition, the word rape fits this situation. I know that's a very charged word (I myself didn't call what happened to me "rape" for quite a long time), and if it hurts to think about it, that is entirely normal.

This is definitely not your fault, and I strongly encourage you to take steps to protect your safety.

[ 01-22-2009, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: atm1 ]

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melli10
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The thing that scares me the most is that he knows where i live, my number and everything. I mean he doesn't go to the same school as me, but still. I have been trying to get EC, but when i went they told me that i had to have a parent with me, and i just don't feel comfortable with telling my father about it. I mean i really want to tell my band director [whom im very close with] but i know he will tell the school counselor who will call the police and i just don't feel very comfortable with everyone knowing because i feel really embarrassed. Also what is scaring me is ever since it happened my stomach has been hurting, i have been running a fever, and my face has started getting red splotches. My friend said that it might be the shock because i have been having really bad anxiety attacks also...but i just feel so vulnerable now...
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orca
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You shouldn't need a parent to get EC. If you call up your general doctor or a local Planned Parenthood, they can give you a prescription for it and you shouldn't need an adult to get it for you then. You can also go to your local rape crisis center (you can look at RAINN's website to find a local center, or even give RAINN a call and talk to them about all that's happened), explain the situation, and get EC from them.

Another thing you may want to consider doing in about a month is getting tested for STIs. I know that's scary, and I'm sorry you have to go through all of that. It sounds like you have a really great friend, though, so perhaps she'd be willing to go with you to get that done?

I know you don't want everyone to know, but if you tell the counselor or your parents/guardians, they can help keep you safe from this guy. Having that feeling of safety may also help with all of the stress you've been having. You've been so strong coming here and talking about this. Please, feel free to talk here as much as you like, but do try and get some in-person help, too, okay? Your family and friends care for you and don't want to see you getting hurt. It's tough opening up about things like this, but your safety is so important.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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melli10
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Yeah i mean its just such a scary thing though. like i never thought that this would happen to me...and its so scary how he still tries to call me and email me and he is always asking me to come over and i just say no or i can't but then he is like i can meet you somewhere and then we can sneak somewhere. It is just so frightening because he knows so much about me, but i just don't want to get everyone involved because it just makes me worry so much. Yeah i mean they told me that i needed a parent with me to get it, so i mean i couldn't really tell my dad because then he would totally murder this guy. I mean i just hate it because i feel so stupid for going over there in the first place. Like at first i said no, but then he kept on saying how im a dirty tease and everything if i didn't go and now i just feel so used and played. Im just scared about how everyone is going to react if i tell...
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melli10
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I just don't know really how to talk about it. Like my friend understands because over the past summer she was raped...but i don't really know how to bring up the conversation. And i just don't want my dad to overreact or anything. I mean i really trust my band teacher, but i know he will immediately tell the police...and i don't know if i can deal with that...
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Stephanie_1
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You know, the way you're feeling and the concerns you have about how people will react is really normal. But the thing about it is ... what happened was his fault. He did this to you, and he's the one to blame. Like Orca said above, your family and friends really care about you, and they don't want to see you hurt.

As hard as it can be to talk with family, it can also be a very big step in starting to process everything. I say that because sometimes dealing with triggers and even just working through the memories of what's happened is a very difficullt thing - and having a close family member there can be a great support center for you.

Remember too, that because your dad loves you he's trying to keep you safe. It can be very difficult to get the conversation rolling in person, but it helps to have the right time and place to talk to someone. For instance, finding a quiet place where you can talk without being disturbed, making sure that the other person is paying attention and not doing something else.

Although everyone's different so how you start a conversation with a parent may be different than how I or someone else has/would, you may find it easiest to simply ask a questions like "Can we talk?" or saying "I have something I'd like to talk to you about." Let them know that what you're going to say is important. Also, it can help to just let them know that you know this will be difficult for you to say and for them to hear, so it'll take you a little bit of time to get everything out. It helps to set the tone of the conversation and make sure that they're understanding.

This tone setting can help to remind the other person that because it's difficult for you to talk about, even though it's difficult for them to hear they need to be supportive and not overreact. But know that if you talk to your dad his reaction is out of concern for you, and make an allowance for that as well.

Know too that it's okay to practice starting the conversation on your own to help smooth the way when you sit down with someone else.

[ 01-22-2009, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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yeah i mean i know that my family cares about me and everything. I just feel so embarrassed about it...i mean i just don't know. its like my whole personality has changed. I have lost focus in everything now...and all i keep on thinking about is what happened. I can't get it out of my head. I just feel really used. And the thing that makes me so angry is how he keeps on emailing me asking me when i wanna come back for more because i want him. I don't want him. I never wanted him at all. I wanted to be friends. But i didn't want this. I didn't want all of this pain im having to go through. It hurts...and i am having trouble finding a way to release all of these emotions because right now they are bottling up and i have started having a lot of panic attacks and i can't eat and i can't sleep anymore at all...
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Stephanie_1
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Melli, ((Hugs)) There's no reason for you to feel embarassed about this. You did nothing wrong. The way that you're feeling is really normal, and it's part of how rape works. It's about power, and one of the ways that the power is kept going is in the way it makes us feel.

You may find that talking will help you to begin working through everything, and especially having someone that you can confide in about how you're feeling. Also, because he's continuing to e-mail you, talking to your dad could help in making this a lot safer - making sure he can't contact you.

What do you like to do in your free time? Any writing, drawing, walking? It can be helpful to incorporate the activities that make you most comfortable into the process of healing. For instance, writing in a journal about your feelings, or even taking a walk to clear your head. It's the little things that help us to gain some of that power back, an especially in placing the blame where it's due. I know that you didn't want what happened, and you didn't deserve this to happen either - nobody does. Of course we're always here to listen as well, so talking about how you're feeling here can loosenn the cap on the bottle holding your emotions.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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Well i always like to play in my high schools symphonic band, pep band, and jazz bands, and i like theatre as well. [Smile] I just am worried really about what is going to happen if i tell. because i mean of course this guy is going to say that i wanted it, and people are going to start calling me a liar and everything, but i mean it just occupies my mind constantly now. Like i keep waking up in the middle of the night about it from nightmares. i just am finding it difficult to cope right now. Two of my best friends know and they have been really supportive. They have been constantly by my side trying to help me through it all. especially one of my friends, because over the summer she was raped, but she can talk about it openly...i just am having trouble doing that right now though.
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cool87
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It just is so new to you though and so it's very normal for you to not necessarily be comfortable yet telling people about what happened. But you've already told two of your friends which is great, that's a big step right here.

This guy can say whatever he wants but none of the things he says are true and you know that. He's told you you wanted that to happen and that it was your fault when it just wasn't, that's a proof right here that what he's saying is just lies. People can choose to believe him or not but you're only one to know what really happened and who's telling the truth and that isn't him.

[ 01-22-2009, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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melli10
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I know. he tries to make me feel bad a lot of the time, he tries to make me feel guilty everytime i tell him no. He always says that if i really was his friend that i would go over there and i would let him do this stuff, but i know better than that...i mean its just a scary situation right now because i don't want everyone treating me differently if they find out...
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atm1
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A couple things about him harassing:
I know it may be hard right now, but I would advise you not to delete the emails he's sending you right now--if you keep them, you can show them to people as evidence for why you need to be kept safe in case you ever want to involve other people. He is harassing you and stalking you over the internet. In some states (I'm not 100% sure about Ohio), this alone is a crime.
Is he emailing you on a personal (not school related) email address? If so, would you be willing to change your email address, so that you don't unexpectedly keep getting emails from him? You can send an email to everyone who you want to know your new email address, and not him. It's a pain, but it might be worth it.
I know that you would probably also have to tell your dad if you want to change your phone number, but you might want to look into doing that as well.

I'm saying all of this because I believe that it might be easier for you to cope with how you're feeling right now, if you weren't always being harassed by him and felt like you are at a safe distance from him.

I just want to add that everything you're going through--as hard as it is--is a normal reaction to what happened to you. If you're having lots of trouble eating, I suggest trying to drink things like smoothies, lots of milk, or even milkshakes, so that you keep getting substance into your body. If it would help you sleep to ask your friend to stay over at night, to sleep with the light on, or anything else you can think of, definitely try doing so.

[edit: while this was sitting on my screen, a bunch of responses went up, so it's not an immediate response to what you just said. I still think it might be helpful though]

[ 01-22-2009, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: atm1 ]

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melli10
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Yeah. I mean the main thing that sucks the most is that he knows where i live and where i work as well, so i can't really do much about that...but the email change seems like a really good idea. And yes i have been saving the emails and the instant message convos we have had just in case. Its just been really difficult and i have a feeling it will probably end up getting even more difficult, but i know that i have got to keep going...i just kinda felt alone about it at first and then after talking to my best friends i didn't feel as alone because they didn't judge or anything, they just were comforting me and stuff.
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Stephanie_1
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Since you like to play your instruments, why not spend some extra time playing your instrument during the day.About waking in the night from nightmares, so you have something small that comes with a good memory? A piece of jewelery, a stuffed animal, something like that that you can keep close to your bed? That way, when you wake up you'll have it near you as a grounding technique.

And too: Like Cool said, you know what what he's saying isn't true. Those of us here believe you as well. The two friends you have helping you through everything believe you too, so just know that there are people that believe you. The big thing right now is your personal safety. Do your friends know that he's been contacting you? Can you make sure that you're walking with friends when you go somewhere, and that when you leave work you walk out with someone that ends at the same time as you?

[ 01-22-2009, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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atm1
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If you're not ready to tell your family what's happened between you and this guy, that doesn't mean you can't tell them and your boss/coworkers that there's this guy who is harassing you. You can make it clear that you want this guy to be kept away from you without specifying what happened.

Does that seem like a possibility?

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melli10
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yeah i do like playing my instruments a lot:) but like i will just be sitting in school and all of a sudden all the memories just hit me and i start freaking out and shaking and its just a really bad thing. I mean my band director has noticed that and he asked me what was wrong, but i just didn't know how to tell him that. thanks for believing me:) i mean i just hope other people do as well when i do tell.
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melli10
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yes that is a possibility. Like he doesn't go to the same school or anything, but he knows my whole schedule for stuff and he only lives like twenty minutes away. that kinda frightens me a little.
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Stephanie_1
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Part of that is in finding something to help get yourself grounded again when you do have a flashback. By that, I mean having something with you that can help remind you that you're in the present not the past. For instance, wearing a necklace that a friend gave you and holding onto it when you have a flashback, reminding yourself where you are.

In time you will find a way to talk to people about what's happened. It has to happen on your terms, when you're ready. But being safe is also a major part right now.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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yeahh i understand that now. I am just going to tell when i am ready, but for now im going to get this guy out of my life as quickly and smoothly as possible. and you have given me some wonderful insight about this. thank you so much:)
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atm1
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In my own experience, Stephanie's suggestion really works. When I was having the worst flashbacks from my rape, I used a rock. I would sit and do the best I could to focus on all of the little details of how the rock felt in my hand.

Having something physical that you keep either on a necklace or in your pocket can be really helpful. It may seem kind of silly, but actively holding on to something can make a big difference.

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melli10
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yeah i think im actually going to try it though. it seems like it is going to help me a lot. The flashbacks just happen at really random times too, like i will be fine, and then i just start shaking and stuff. But all of this insight has been really helpful thank you so very much:)
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Stephanie_1
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You know, it sounds like your band director may be someone you're a little more comfortable with than your dad right now, and that's okay. What I want you to consider is even if you don't disclose everything to him, asking for his assistance. I, also being in the band, understand your feelings toward your director. One of our directors was like a parent to all of us, and many people found him the most comfortable to talk to.

The reason I'm saying about getting an adult's help is that because this guy knows how to contact you and where you live etc. being safe from him might mean needed some adult help as per possibly getting a restraining order or in general just staying away and being completely safe. Do you think you may be able to talk with him about this being someone that's bothering you, even if you don't tell him everything about what happened?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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Yeah i might be able to. I mean i can talk to him about a lot of stuff. He is pretty cool! Yeah i think im actually probably going to try talking to him. thats a really good idea.
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atm1
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I know it must seem like you have a pretty big to do list right now, but I want to take a second to acknowledge how brave and strong you've been during this whole conversation. Yes, something happened that was completely back in control, but you are being really strong right now by talking here, getting help, and starting to take steps to protect your safety.
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Stephanie_1
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You might find too that because you're so comfortable with him, if he asks you any questions you might feel confortable talking more. Play the conversation by ear, and know that how much you say is up to you. The important thing is to get that adult support as per keeping yourself safe.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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It just hurts that i was raped, and i mean i was in shock and disbelief for the past like three days, but now i am starting to realize that i just need to talk it out and figure out whats going on really. I am going to talk to my band director about it...im not sure how much will be talked about, but it is a start right?
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Stephanie_1
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It's a really big step and a great start. I understand that you're hurting right now, and we're all here to support you as well. I remember the shocked feeling, and the thing to remember is that although you feel like you have little control now (especially when the triggers and flashbacks are coming and you're not used to grounding yourself again yet) but that'll get better as well.

I'm really glad that you're going to turn to your band director for support and help in dealing with his contacting you. I want you to realize that you're taking power back - and that's such a huge thing.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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thanks. i mean the flashbacks scare me a lot because it feels like its happening all over again, but im hoping that by talking to my band director it will help me feel a lot safer about everything.
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Stephanie_1
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Flashbacks can be really difficult to deal with. I know at first I had a lot of trouble grounding myself, and they are very scary. The thing to remember though, is that when it happens you're not really there. Sometimes it takes repeating those words yourself - it's not really happening.

And know that when you have trouble with them, you can always feel free to come and ask for insight to dealing with them. Everyone has their own technique of grounding themselves - and sometimes hearing what works for other people can help you find the best way for you. We're all here to support you, and want to help you through this.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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thank you. its nice to know that i have support through this. i mean the main thing that is beginning to scare me a lot is the fact that ever since it happened, my stomach has been hurting constantly, and i have had a fever for a good day and a half. could that be from stress or do you think it could be something else?
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Stephanie_1
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Stress can do a lot of crazy things to us. It's definately possible that this could be a result of stress. It's also possible that you may be coming down with something, it's that time of year after all. Try to keep from getting more stressed, when you're feeling stressed try doing some relaxation exercises like yoga or even some deep breathing.

Also, I remember from earlier in the post about EC and needing a parent. Did you try the resources Orca linked you to above - Planned Parenthood or RAINN? They may be able to help you. Or if you have a friend that's old enough that can get it for you that would work too.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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yeah i mean im just starting to get a little anxious because if i do get pregnant its going to be really scary since im still a teenager and all. Yeah it could be something triggered by all of the stress. Yeah i am probably going to contact them tomorrow then and see what we can do. Its just that whole pregnancy thing scares me because i know that he raped me and everything but if i did get pregnant i couldn't just have an abortion or anything, like i know it would be hard to raise a kid who's father raped me, but i just couldn't do the whole abortion/adoption thing.
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Stephanie_1
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Well, we'll work through everything one thing at a time. EC can be taken up to 120 hours after the risk, so you'll definately want to try and contact them tomorrow. The further from the risk, the less the effectiveness rates. The best thing too is to try and remain calm about that now. You don't want to add any more stress right now than you're already under with the flashbacks and in general working through your feelings.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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melli10
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yeah i understand, its like i have been trying not to think about it, but when the flashbacks come, those thoughts do as well.
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