Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » ...What do I do?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: ...What do I do?
LovinLife
Activist
Member # 39347

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LovinLife     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi, I have been under so much stress lately, trying to make decisions, trying to be strong, trying to figure my life out, but i have realised i can't do this alone. I need an unbiased person to talk to and i felt like this would be the best place to go. Okay where do i begin. I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half now and things aren't the way they used to be. At first, i was so happy, got those butterflies, couldn't wait to see him (lets call him Jay) wanted to always be talking to him, just couldn't get enough. The summer was absolutely amazing, didn't fight, no stress, just lots of fun. Then school started...that's when things really went down hill...or when i finally realised what was happening. According to my parents, Jay has always been controlling, trying to take me away from the family, never letting me say no without having to justify it and it "better be a good reason". For example, at family get togethers, he always only wanted to talk to me, constantly wanted to be touching me, kissing me, holding me, anything to be near me, to claim me as his almost. He never got along with my parents and this caused many fights. If he wanted me to come over, and my parents said no, he would ask for a reason why they said no, called it stupid, shot it down then made me try again and "Don't take no for an answer!!". "they are controlling my life" he says. This is all because if he wants to do something (e.g. go to a party) and my parents say no, then he "can't" go and it is therefore controlling his life. I lost all my friends because he didn;t want me talking to them, but he never said that to my face, just kinda would pout if i talked to them. He began getting mad at me for silly things like forgetting a shirt therefore becoming untrustworthy. I am not allowed to say no...I am afraid to say no. If i say fine after a long time of saying no to something he wants, he calls me immature. I began liking another guy, let's call him Curtis. Curtis is funny, smart (Jay doesn't work in school, wants me to be his only focus) treats me with respect, and very family oriented. He likes me as well. I found out Jay cheated on me, lied about losing his virginity before me and told another girl he made a mistake dating me and he loved her. I began talking to Curtis more and more and began liking him more and more. Jay's friends told him that i was talking to Curtis, Jay flipped out and screamed at me...just for talking to him. I tried to break up with him but he got it so i didnt. He said he was going to kill himself and had a knife in his hand...i'm not sure if it was there for effect or if he was really going to do it. I would like very much to be with Curtis, but the memories, what-if's, and hopes are catching me and stopping me from breaking up with Jay. Please give me advice on waht to do. Thanks so much

--------------------
In Love

Posts: 57 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It never seems to fail that people who yell the loudest about someone else controlling someone are usually doing so because they are frustrated that THEY don't have that control. [Frown]

Obviously, you need to get away from Jay. You know he's bad news and not safe for you. Most abusive people are lovely at first: if they weren't, no one would wind up with them. But those memories are only that: they're not what you have now or will likely ever have again. They also may be memories of someone faking you out to reel you in, rather than of anything genuine.

What I'd suggest, though, is not entering into a new relationship right now. Don't make this a choice between them: make this about you.

If Curtis rocks so much, he'll get that you've been in something abusive and need time to both get out of that and process that before you can be in a space to forge a healthy relationship with someone. (And that's usually true: you need to reground yourself and have some time to be able to see the forest for the trees. Racing right into something else puts you at risk of not seeing yet another abusive person should they show up. You need time.)

Sounds like you have a close, supportive family: I'd ask them for help and support with this. Seems like they get it, and would probably be there for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LovinLife
Activist
Member # 39347

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LovinLife     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wow, i just started bawling reading that...I got out, i did it and it saved my life. Things got so bad, i finally woke up and i'm so happy now. I love life. But now...he's got a new girlfriend, and she needs out, he's hit her. I cant stand by but i dont know what to do. She wants out but is feeling the same way that i ddi. What do i do?

--------------------
In Love

Posts: 57 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LollySocks
Activist
Member # 31077

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LollySocks     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
First off, I know I don't know you, but I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself and getting out of that abusive relationship. It is also quit admirable of you to be concerned for this new gf of his and want to get her help.

If I were you, I would tell a trusted adult ASAP. Family and/or the school counselor would probably be your best bet. Girls have to watch out for each other!

--------------------
break down, rebuild, repeat.

Posts: 64 | From: Ohio, USA | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Likewise, LovinLife: I'm so, so glad you got out.

Are you close at all to the new girlfriend? Does she know what your experience with him was?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3