Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » need links

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: need links
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I need the link for the abuse article because I can't find it... can someone maybe link me to it...
thanks

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orca     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

That the one you're looking for?

By the way, how have you been doing lately? Are things going okay right now? Joey was just asking after you in this post.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah.
Things have been less than okay.
My boyfriend hadn't gotten out of bed for like 3 weeks until today so I had to pack him up for school. And he got really upset today- i don't know. He's leaving for school tomorrow and i'm leaving for school in a few days but with everything I haven't had time to pack or anything for myself.
It's jsut a lot of stress.
Also- I don't want to double post the same thing to Joey's question... so i'm not sure what to do... is that considered double posting???

[ 08-28-2008, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: hs123 ]

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's alright, hun. I'm all over the boards. [Smile]

I'm sorry to hear things have been so tough. What's your boyfriend so upset about? The miscarriage? Has either of you been able to talk about that (with each other or with a trusted friend, relative, etc)? If not, it might be a good idea, for both of you, to find someone you can talk to. And if your boyfriend is staying in bed for three weeks, it may even be a good idea for him to look into some counseling to help him deal with this. Can you suggest he look up the counseling services on his campus?

As for you, can you get some help with packing and getting ready for school? It sounds like you were a great help to your boyfriend, and now it's time for you to get some help so you're not doing everything on your own. I'm sure your parents or friends would be happy to spend some time with you before you head out, anyway.

Have you been seeing your therapist? If so, have you been able to talk about the miscarriage? How are you for continuing therapy once you get to school?

You know, if I can be frank, it always sounded like you were very socially isolated at home. So I really hope that, for you, college is an opportunity to get more connected.

Keep us posted! [Smile]

--------------------
-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9010 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am socially isolated at home- cuz I was moved here against my will and then when I finally made friends they all moved away- and I don't actually like the people here.
And then my boyfriend became my bestfriend and now i'm overly attached to him.

My boyfriend is upset about everything. He pushed me out of his room last night and I tripped and fell over. It wasn't that hard but then I started crying and then he tried to come near me and and I slapped him and then he started crying and then his parents came cuz they heard me screaming for him not to touch me and it turned into this whole ordeal.

We're both going abroad but it's his second year abroad and he saw a counselor last year so he says he's going to see the same counselor he saw last year.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It really sounds like it will be a good thing that you are getting out and having a new start. And I would encourage you to make good use of it, to get connected and make some new friends. I know it really sucks when you are forced to move against your will - I was in that situation when I was 16, and I spent the last couple of years of high school feeling very isolated, as well. But getting out and starting college was a great opportunity for me and now I'm in a much better place.

Where are you going? International students are usually taken very good care of at universities and there are usually offices for international students concerns, and the people there will be mindful of the fact that you're brand new to this place and will need some assistance. I encourage you to ask them about options you may have for on-campus counseling services. If you let us know where you're headed, we could also try to find resources for you.

--------------------
-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9010 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm going to the middle east
I'm really nervous. Even though I was mad at my boyfriend yesterday I climbed through his window last night cuz I wanted to be with him.
But my sister went, and my boyfriend went and he's going again.
There are a bunch of services for american students. My boyfriend saw a counselor last year when he felt like things were going badly and it really helped him.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Alright, it sounds like this could go well for you, then. Getting out and gaining some new experiences can be really empowering, and it sounds like you'll have a good safety net and people to fall back on and get some help from.

You say you're nervous - what about? Anything specific or just general anxiety about moving? If you want to talk about that here, we'll be happy to help.

--------------------
-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9010 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I know that getting away will be good- I have a lot of family problems that I need to get away from.
I'm just nervous about a lot of things. I have a hard time making new friends because I'm really socially awkward, and I dunno. I get sick a lot, and all. I'm just nervous and insecure.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What do you know about the health care situation where you're going? Are there health services on campus? Have you spoken to anyone about needing special care for your Crohn's Disease? If you haven't, maybe you can call someone at the university you're going to, or the program you're doing this exchange with, and asking about that. knowing what you can and where to go if something does happen can go a long way to help make you feel less nervous it.

I'd also try not to worry too much about making friends. You won't be the only international student just starting out, not by a long shot, and they'll all feel just as nervous and awkward as you. Plus, you'll all have a few things in common to instantly bond over, and once you have something to talk about, it gets easier to be around new people. Universities also tend to organize get-togethers for visiting students, so I'd definitely look into that.

It should also help to keep in mind that college isn't like high school. There's a whole lot less social pressure to conform and a whole lot more freedom to be yourself and do your thing.

(I'm going to be gone from the boards for a little while, but I'll leave a note with the other Volunteers to make sure someone checks this thread. So if you have any other questions or concerns, or just want to vent, feel free to keep posting.)

[ 08-29-2008, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: September ]

--------------------
-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9010 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've spoken to them about my Crohns. We get medical insurance and medical care and all that and I have a doctor lined up and all. I'm still nervous about it.
I'm nervous about the language. I speak a little but not a lot. I always feel like it's not sufficient enough. My boyfriend is fluent though.

I'm just nervous about it all. I'm nervous I'm not gonna see my boyfriend a lot, and just a lot of other stuff.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You know, I find that sometimes it's easier to be nervous about doing something new just because we HAVEN'T done a whole lot of things which were new.

I also have found that a big adventure, or a big change, when we feel kind of stuck in ruts, or like we're in a bad pattern or two can really be just the thing. This actually sounds like a pretty great opportunity for you to me.

In the meantime, though, if you're slapping and screaming and he's pushing, it sounds to me like the two of you should probably spend some time apart now, not just later.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well we are apart. He left- I wont see him for at least 4 or 5 days, but probably longer. At least that's the plan. We probably won't talk to each other for about 4 and we probably won't see each other for a bit longer.

At the same time- I don't want to be away from him for that long when I feel like I'm going through this new thing and I don't know anyone and I'm missing everything I'm familiar with and I want to be comforted and he's right there.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, to be blunt, you're going to need to learn to find ways to make a bigger support circle than just one person in your life regardless.

I know that can be scary and that it's challenging, but having one person be your whole support system just isn't healthy for anyone. A partner won't -- and shouldn't be expected to -- always just "be right there," or be up to providing comfort.

One person as a whole support is less than most folks need, and then you also have no one you can talk to when you need outside perspective on that relationship.

So, again, I know it's tough to have to move outside of your comfort zone, but it's also pretty unhealthy to always stay in it, especially when it's not a good one.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
But I don't really have other friends. And friendships take time. I feel like it's expected that I'm gonna go and have this huge social circle the minute I get there, and I'm gonna be totally comfortable to confide in everyone I meet within a week which is just unrealistic. I can't trust someone I hardly know.

And I don't expect him to be there for me all the time. I just know that I trust him and I'm comfortable around him.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't know who you think is expecting that of you.

Of course friendships take time -- sometimes: now and then, like with romantic relationships, you run into an insta-bond situation. And of course it takes time to develop trust.

But this has been an issue with you for a while now as I recall, and you do have to at least start trying to cultivate new friendships rather than relying on the one relationship you have solely or primarily. If I missed this, my apologies, but I don't think you've yet tried branching out much outside your relationship with making friend yet: it seems like all your social efforts have stayed there.

You absolutely get to start one friend at a time, and let that be gradual. And even in those gradual steps, and those gradual disclosures and sharing, mutual support develops as time passes.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have tried- it just hasn't gotten very far- ESPECIALLY now that I'm leaving.
Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, now that you're on your way out, then for sure it's going to be trickier.

But what I'd just suggest, walking into this new situation, is to just give it some real tries and to do what you can to be sure that you're putting the same kind of energy and devotion into your friendships that you put into your romance or sexual relationships.

My feeling is, in the time you've been here, that some of why you haven't gotten very far is that it seems like most to all of your energy has really remained in this one romantic relationship. If we want strong friendships, and to really develop them and have them be meaningful, we have to take the same kinds of emotional risks we do with romances, invest the same kind of time, care and energy in them, and see them as just as important, not as secondary.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
But I do put time and energy into them and I do care about my friendships.
Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The trouble, is, then, I'm not sure why you're talking about being socially isolated, only having this guy to comfort you, and not having other friends then if you DO have other solid friendships. Just a couple posts ago, you said you do NOT really have other friends.

In other words, I feel a little lost.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
No, I'm saying I try to make friends but it doesn't ever seem to work out.
Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay: so are you hearing me that my feeling -- given your history here and how much time and energy seems to go into your boyfriend above all else -- that they require more from you than you have been giving them may be part of why?

That perhaps to really cultivate those friendships, you may have to invest more time and energy into them than you have, and less into your romantic relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm hearing you but I don't think that's why- and maybe i'm just in denial or something but i just don't think that's why. Because even when I do invest time into my friendships everything still seems to go downhill.
Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, do you want to talk then about why else you think they might be? or about what you mean by time? For instance, if in a week, you see your boyfriend four times, or talk to him five nights a week, how many times are you seeing your friends or talking with them?

How often are you making plans with friends your boyfriend-time needs to be planned around rather than the opposite? How often do you go to call a friend BEFORE you go to call your boyfriend? How often do you all hang out together in a group?

It might also be wise to look at what time with your friends is like? Is there as much chill-out time as talking about tough stuff? Do you feel like you're giving them as much support as you're asking of them? Do you feel like you're being as heart-open with your friends as you are with your boyfriend?

What are you expecting from friendships?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well firstly- I just don't have as many friends as I used to because a lot of my friends just stopped being friends with me cuz they didn't want to be friends with me after I told them what happened to me. So I just don't think that's my fault- and I don't think that's some result of my not putting in enough time with them.

So I don't really have a lot of friends.
I really only have like, one other good in town friend, and I hang out with her like, three times a week. She's not really open though, so like, if she does tell me she's feeling bad I'll try to support her but she won't usually tell me what she's feeling bad about. I call her to hang out and stuff, but I just at different times than my boyfriend, like usually I'd call her to hang out during the day or at night during the week, and my boyfriend at night and on weekends and like, I talk to her about more girl stuff, like people I'm having problems with and school and all and family.

And I just don't like hanging out in groups. I feel awkward and I just feel like I can't be myself if it's more than like, 4 people, so I try not to be in groups.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Certainly, if your friends ditched you because you were assaulted, that wasn't your fault. But I also think we're not talking about fault here, period: rather, we're talking about what you can possibly do to have more than one close relationship in your life and a larger support circle than a circle of one. This isn't about your failings: it's about what efforts you might be able to make to improve your situation.

When I say groups, I mean your boyfriend and a friend or two, rather than segregating those relationships. I don't like big groups either, and I feel burnt out when I'm in too big a crowd, but a group of three or four of the people close to us now and then tends to strengthen all of those relationships, IME.

Three times a week is actually a good deal of time to spend with a friend, and that sounds pretty open to me. Have you ever let her know that you don't feel as able to support her as you'd like to be?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, but she just doesn't ever really talk to anyone.
and my boyfriend just isn't friends with her. he has his own group of friends- ive hung out with his friends but he just doesn't hang out with mine really.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, I'd suggest more crossover with friends and relationship for the future. Obviously we all have our own friends, but our friends and partners are a kind of family, and just like it is often enriching to have whole family gatherings, so it goes with friends and partners.

And again, you're going somewhere new, so the limitations you have with friends now are not going to be the same.

So, how about walking into this new setting with an open mind, with energy invested into cultivating new friendships (preferably with people who are also willing to open up), and without this idea like this just isn't possible for you?

Look, I've moved to two totally different states over the last nine years. I know that making new friends is tough and takes time. When I moved to Minnesota in '99, I'd say it took me around three years to really cultivate and develop lasting friendships that had depth.

But that's okay, and it's not like investing the time in the lead-up was a drag or a waste of my efforts. Really, the same rules and dynamics on romances apply in friendships: sometimes we'll attach right away, sometimes having a relationship get cemented and deep takes years. Let's be honest: sex can sometimes add an additional way to get close, but sometimes it also can kind of fool us into thinking we're closer than we really are. For the most part, getting close in romances takes the same kind of time it does with friends.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, well.. like, it was highschool and he was a grade older than me and his grade thought my grade was bratty and my grade thought his grade were jerks and he was popular and I wasn't... so crossover friends just didn't work...

I'm trying to have an open mind about things it's just hard cuz i'm so nervous.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You're nervous about moving out and not being with your partner anymore right ?

It's really normal to feel nervous about something new, something you haven't necessarily experienced in the past or something similar that you did experience in the past but went wrong.

But you know you might find that moving out might not necessarily be as difficult as you thought it to be. Even if let's say it happens to be though, why not try to think of it as a whole new opportunity, as an apportunity for you to grow among other things ? I've personnally often found that the situations I dreaded the most were the ones that benefit me the most, whether that's because they made me stronger, made me grow more as a person, whatever. There is certainly something positive about it but you might just not see it yet right now. But instead of focusing on the negative aspects of it which just makes you feel even worse, why not try to make a list of all the positive things you could get out of it, whether it's making new friends, learning to being more independant, what have you ? [Smile] Why not trying to invest your energy into trying to me more positive instead ?

[ 08-30-2008, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3