Last fall I met this really great guy and it didnt take long before we started dating and everything was great. We were friends with all he same people and i loved him. In December I went to a party that my friends brother was having. her parents were out of town and he went to the public school and the two of us go to the catholic school. Neither of us ever really go to big house parties like this one. I told my parents i would spend the night at megan's house. My boyfriend was grounded that night and wouln't approve of me going to that kind of party so i didn't tell him that there was even a party.
I only knew megan so i was a little shy at first but then i got talking to this one guy who seemed really nice. He told me he had a gf so i didn't feel bad that i was talking to him so much. Soon he started to push more and more drinks on me and standing really close. I started to feel a little tipsy and he would say stuff like ur drunk u need to stop but then he'd be the one to hand me a drink. The next thing i know he was taking me upstairs to "sleep it off". He started kissing me and i tried to push him off but he was stronger than me and threw me on the bed. thats when i started screaming but the party was in the basement and the music was so loud no one heard me. He put his hands around my neck not strangling me but enough to scare the crap out of me. After that i just lay there dead quiet and let him rape me.
I never told anyone because i was so scared and guilty for putting myself in that situation. I couldnt tell my bf because i thought hed get mad at me for loosing my virginity to someone else. I loved him but he kept adking what was up. I tried to tell him but i couldnt get the words out. It started to fill my mind all the time. My grades went from straight a's to mostly c's and i was having horrible nighmares and started throwing up my food. One day i just started freaking out because something my bf said set off some panick and i just had to get out of the house but i was shaking so much i crashed my car into a tree. My bf was angry at first but then could tell something serious was up but i still refused to tell him what. finally he broke up with me.
that was in march. right away he excluded me from all our friends stuff (i just started hanging out with this new group this fall thats how i met my ex). that was really hard because i didnt know what to do not only without him but my group. I had 2 friends left literally but they were busy and so i mostly sat at home. I felt so alone and worthless and i was sad all the time. I didn't get asked to prom because my ex told all his/my old friends that it would be weird if they took me. he started dating someone new and i was devastated because i was and am still in love with him. then i tried to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of cough syrup and i would've except my parents found me shaking really hard and took me to the hospital. They never talked to me about it but they just sent me to therapy. I feel like they dont even care. they just push me on to someone else.
now those two friends i had have really deserted me and i dont realy know why. My one friend has just ignored me completely while the other is polite but vague so shes clearly avoiding me. Im feeling so worthless and i dont know who to talk to. I really dont feel comfortable talking to my therapist about the rape bacause she used to work with my mom and they're friends-ish. I feel like she'd tell my mom. Please how can i get over this rape and my ex? He was the perfect bf and i screwed this up by keeping this huge secret and now i have to see him and his new thinner better girl who gets to hang out with my friends when they wont call me because it would be "weird" for me to be there. Loosing my friends and being so alone has just made dealing with this rape so much more difficult. Will i ever get over this? Will i feel this aweful forever? what can i do to get my mind off it?
What you're going through must be incredibly difficult and painful at the moment- but, no, you won't feel this awful forever. We'll do our best to help. None of this is your fault, and you didn't screw up anything.
One resource that I can refer you to right away that will given you a real-life person trained to deal with exactly this kind of situation is the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, or RAINN: you can visit their website here: http://rainn.org. In addition to having a free hotline you can call, they also an online hotline, too. I strongly encourage you to visit their website.
Additionally, if you feel that your therapist won't respect your privacy and will share what you say with your mom (know that patient-doctor confidentiality means that this shouldn't happen), you should see if you can get a new one that you feel you can talk to this about: being unable to talk about something so important is crucial.
Please let us know if there's anything else we can do.
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