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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I never thought it will happen to me..

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Author Topic: I never thought it will happen to me..
gussy
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Member # 38441

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I really didn't..

Violence was something too far away from me.. or at least thats what I thought..

I grew up in a small town, where everyone knows each other. My ex-boyfriend (who I'll call A) was in my class since preschool, but it wasn't until 9th grade when I started talking to him online.
He added me on MSN & we started talking. He was a sweet & nerdy guy.

I had been depressed for a year now, since my family was splitting apart. A made me feel like everything will be OK at the end. He became my best friends. After a few months I found myself dating A.

My parents didn't like him from the beginning. They told me A seem to be hiding something..
Little by little, he became the center of my life. My friends didn't matter anymore as long as I had A.

After 4 months...
A knew that I had a few boyfriends before him, with whom I had fooled around a little. He never had a girlfriend before. He pressured me, because he wanted to masturbate me. I didn't want to, because I didn't feel comfortable with A. He was just.. weird. One day, I was saying goodbye when he tried it.. I felt uncomfortable.. & said that I didn't feel like doing it. In my head I was thinking "We talked about this before.. I said no".. but I couldn't say anything anymore.. I froze & waited for it to be over.. After it, I cried, but for some reason I thought it was my duty to satisfy him. It became a routine for him to make me feel bad for not trying physical things with him.. until I would do them. (This is what hurts me the most. Sex (or anything sexual)is not the same for me. It became a duty, satisfying others.. I'm in a better relationship now.. I love him but I'm not able to concentrate fully when we are intimate. All of the images of abuse come to my head..Sometimes even my body disgusts me)

A convinced me that my mom was trying to ruin my life by not letting me be with him (she used to be my closest friend).He became possessive & jealous. I made excuses for him all the time. Maybe "he had a bad day", "he was going through rough times as well" etc. Then, I started thinking that it was my fault that he felt like that. I thought I was provoking this situations.

He started calling me names a few months after.. stupid, whore, slut, easy, dumb.. He told me that once someone got to know me, they wouldn't like me anymore. He told me I was trash. After two years, my self-esteem was long gone. I wasn't "aloud" to talk to anyone. He had to be center of my world, according to him. He told me that the only thing he wanted was for us to leave in our own world, without anything/anyone interfering.

With time, I became aggressive towards A. I was angry at A. I was angry that he wouldn't leave me. I was angry that he wouldn't let me talk to my friends. I was angry that he made me unhappy. I tried hurting him. With time I thought he changed, he told me he was sorry for everything.. He was going to be a better man.. This never actually happened.

I was with A for 3 years & half. I really tried leaving him before, but nothing worked. He would come crying to me or after a few days, he would convince me that I was no good & no one will love me the way he did, that he was the only one that could understand me. After some time, I felt trapped.. I felt like no matter what I did, I wasn't going to be able to leave him. The only way I was able to break up with him for good was because I left home to go to college. I had to tell him I met someone else & had slept with him, so he would leave me alone. Even then, he used to call me saying that he was going to kill himself. He sent me many angry emails saying that I ruined his life.


It has been hard to move on. I thought that to a point, this was normal. I thought I loved him & that he loved me. I'm still not sure if he was the abusing me or if he did it because I provoked it. I still feel guilty, guilty for leaving him. I know it sounds absurd.. but deep inside I feel like I was the bad guy in this story.

I read a lot about abuse, but I haven't been able to apply that knowledge to myself. I recovered part of my self-esteem, but now I suffer from anxiety and sleeping disorders. There is not one day that I think of what happen. I don't know what to do in order to move on & convince myself that I'm not the bad guy..

Posts: 2 | From: Tempe, AZ | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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What you're feeling gussy -- and you probably know this -- is very, very typical. because the usual interpersonal abuse dynamic involves the abuser refusing personal responsibility and finding every way to make their victim (and themselves, in some way) feel responsible for being abused, it can take a long time for that taught/conditioned feeling to go away.

It might help to realize that when it comes to the idea that you provoked the abuse, that if that was really so, then anything and everything you could do would have been a provocation. When an abused partner stops doing something their abuser says they abuse them for, the abuser usually just comes up with something new, and that something can even be something they said they WANTED you to do last week.

You're not the bad guy here: you're someone who had the profound misfortune of being reeled in by an abusive person who found a way to get out, which makes you profoundly fortunate and strong.

Have you ever gone to any sort of support group at all or had any counseling or therapy, be that talk therapy or an alternative?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gussy
Neophyte
Member # 38441

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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
What you're feeling gussy -- and you probably know this -- is very, very typical. because the usual interpersonal abuse dynamic involves the abuser refusing personal responsibility and finding every way to make their victim (and themselves, in some way) feel responsible for being abused, it can take a long time for that taught/conditioned feeling to go away.

It might help to realize that when it comes to the idea that you provoked the abuse, that if that was really so, then anything and everything you could do would have been a provocation. When an abused partner stops doing something their abuser says they abuse them for, the abuser usually just comes up with something new, and that something can even be something they said they WANTED you to do last week.

You're not the bad guy here: you're someone who had the profound misfortune of being reeled in by an abusive person who found a way to get out, which makes you profoundly fortunate and strong.

Have you ever gone to any sort of support group at all or had any counseling or therapy, be that talk therapy or an alternative?

No I haven't. when I got out of that relationship, I never wanted to look back. But, I think that in order to overcome something you need to go back once you are ready & analyze what happened & try to make it better. I think this is my time to make things better for myself. It wasn't until I found this page that I thought about getting help.
Posts: 2 | From: Tempe, AZ | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Here's a page of DV/abuse resources in Arizona, including support resources: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/azdv.shtml

If that doesn't fit your bill, holler and we'll help you look further.

It's TOTALLY understandable when you're out of something abusive to just want to get the heck away from all of it for a while, and not think about abuse at all for some time.

But yeah: I'm in agreement with yo. For most people, to really heal and deal, there's going to come a point where it's got to be looked at and talked about. And if you can find a good support route to get help in your healing -- and again, talk therapy or groups aren't everyone's thing, so there are always alternatives -- you're probably going to find it helpful with all of this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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