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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » EMOTIONAL ABUSE

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Member # 37933

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I have been in love with this man for 2 and a half years...he was my dream come true...exactly what i wanted in my life partner.....things got so serious that we were contemplating marraige, kids and a life together...and yes...we took the sexual plunge as well....I'm deeply committed to this man because i have given him my body my mind my soul....all my deepest affairs....and now he has suddenly started to see me as a demon....he abuses me and my family everyday.....calling me bad names....and cursing my existence....he degrades me and publicly humiliates me....ridicules me in everything....but in front of frnds and family...acts like the model boyfriend
my problem is that i have lost all self get his love and caring...i have starte to agree with everything he does....apologizing for his actions as if they were my mistakes....believeing that he is right and that i am everything he says i am....i go begging back to him after every fight..which is everyday...begging him to not leave me...
i have thought of suicide coz i cant leave him but cant stay with public image is in tatters because of the emotional mess i have become...and i have no self confidence left....
everyone keeps telling me to leave him but im not able to...ive envisioned my everything with this man...i try to be the way he wants bt he still manages to find fault with everything i do....i keep hoping he'll go back to being the person he was...

what do i do....PLEASE HELP.

Posts: 4 | From: Mumbai,India | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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As much as you may hope that he will go back to being the person he was, the truth is he won't, at least not without a lot of therapy. I know that's a tough reality to face, but it is one that you will have to face. No one deserves to be treated that way and no one should have to put up with it.

I know leaving a person that we love is difficult, but the way that he's treating you now is absolutely not right. From the way that he's treating you, it sounds like this is a pretty one-sided love. If you love someone, you don't treat them that way, and no amount of "I love you"s can make it okay to treat someone that way.

Have you told your family about how he treats you? If not, I highly recommend you do so. If your family won't believe you or won't help you, then tell your friends, tell the authorities, tell someone. Suicide isn't the answer here. You can get out of this and live a very happy life and find someone who does treat you right. Don't lose hope just because of this guy.

We have an article that I think you should take a look at.
Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

If you need any help, we would be glad to look for services in your area. You are also very welcome to talk about this here.

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37933

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But how do I get away...some close friends know a good deal of what is going on...I cant tell my parents because I've been trying for two years to show them how he is the perfect partner for now they think he is some sort of greek god....i myself am not able to leave him...i keep thinking of excuses to get away...even make up my mind sumtimes...but will forget everything and hope for a new beginning the next time he smiles at me or acts nice caring with me...its like im addicted to him...and wud do anythng for his love....oh lord......i dont know what to do...
Posts: 4 | From: Mumbai,India | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
Member # 37530

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Well first off, Im not sure what the statistics are, and if think otherwise, I will respect your opinion.. but I think the first half of your problem is that, before he started becoming abusive, you spent so much time with, became so close, grew to love him, ect..
and the second part is that you gave him your body. Now, Im not sure if we are talking virginity here, but is so, that probably makes him seem that much more special. (people, especially females, tend to want to believe that the person they lost his/her virginity to is THE ONE, when in fact, he/she is not) However, even if this person wasnt your first, you may self-consciously, or maybe even openly, feel like you should be with him.. he is the only one.. ect.

But let me inlightening you a little..
Suicide is NOT the answer. By killing yourself, you are also hurting your parents, friends, and everyone else who REALLY loves you. Where I live, a high school student, who was a friend, a brother, a son, a grandson, a good person in our society.. was killed.. in a freak accident, approx. 42 days before Easter. EVERYONE misses him, but we cant get him back. We cant rewind time. You, however, ARE here; people DO love you; you can make a difference in the world! Suicide ISNT the answer, whether you think it is at the moment or not.

Now, Im not going to say you should get out of the current relationship you are in, but I will let you into my personal life a little:

My mother, who was at the time 27, had miscarried 6 times before she met my father; she had basically lost all hope of having children. So, after two weeks of meeting, my mother and father had sex; not that long after, they realized she was pregnant.. and got married.
The first year of their marriage was all lovey-dovey.. I was born.. Everything was normal.
Well, when I was about a year to a year and half, my mom started seeing the first signs of abuse.
... my father was slinging me across the room, biting me, hitting me (ect) for reason such as I was crying, teething, and other things infants do. AND he was started to yell at her and curse at her..
All of this continued for about approximately another year and then he started to beat her physically! (Hit her with his fist, throw things at her, hit her with belts, kicks her, ect).
It eventually led up to her being raped BY HIM, HER OWN HUSBAND, which is how my brother came along. The abuse continued, even after she was pregnant of my brother, and she desperately wanted out.. but by this time she felt it was too late.
... my brother's delivery rolled around, and as bad as this sounds, (not saying that your relationship will/would/could become this bad) but he beat my mom while she was giving birth to my brother. HE DIED.. but fortunently the doctors revived him.
It took my mother another year to leave my father, but if she wouldnt we any of the three of us still be alive? would my grandmother have my brother, her only grandson, to brag about? Would I be writting this, trying to help you?

Think about what your options are.
Think about what's in the best interest of you.
Think past NOW; think about your future.
You're obviously not dumb because you are seeking help.
Use your brain and make the best decision for you.

Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29292

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You said you can't tell your parents about what's happening because they now believe after you telling them so that this man is the perfect partner for you. If they believed you when you told them he was the perfect partner for you, why wouldn't they believe you now after you tell them that he abuses you ? Everyone can be wrong and it generally takes a while before you're able to get to know a person very well and people do change sometimes also.

I hear you hoping for a new beginning but thing is there is most probably no new beginning as much as it might be hard to hear. This man isn't likely going to change. An abuser is a abuser and generally stays an abuser.

It doesn't stroke me as odd that he sometimes smiles at you or acts nice around you, that's part of the cycle of abuse and pretty much what all abuser do. They do that to try to regain your trust and for you to stick around so that they can engage in even more abuse towards you. This cycle goes on and goes unless someone decides to break it.

I'm glad to hear that you've told a few close friends. It really helps to sometimes get some support.

I strongly urge you to end this relationship honey because it's just not healthy at all. I'd end all contact with this man even though this might be really difficult at first, it's for your best, really. You asked how you could get away, are you currently living with your partner and if so is there any other place you could temporarily stay at, let's say a friend house for example or your parent's house ?

Hang in there ! And feel free to vent in here. [Smile]

[ 04-10-2008, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I don't believe that your loving him and being physically intimate with him is the "problem." The problem here is that he is abusive and dangerous.

It is true that the behavior of an abuser worsens over time, (maybe not to the extent of the example Typical gave) but it's a possibility, and nevertheless, someone who is already this abusive should not be tolerated by you.

Orca gave you some great advice-- and I think you should really consider expressing to your family or authorities how not so great he is. I understand it's hard to leave someone who you fell in love with so deeply, but someone who acts caring and nice should not be the same person who makes you feel like less of a person, and ultimately, is someone you need to break ties with altogether, no matter how hard it is.

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"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." -Hippocrates

Posts: 755 | From: United States | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37933

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Its not that my parents wont believe me...its more like I'm ashamed to admit that I was wrong about him after all my efforts to prove him the best...sometimes against my parents better judgement....I'm nt living with him...Im an MBA student living in the university campus....and still cant stop myself from giving him second third and fourth chances....from telling myself that it must be me who is wrong and everything he does is my just punishment...that if i just do what he says and act the way he does irrespective of my individuality...things will be ok...but he always manages to find sumting to fight about....trouble is....he doesnt WANT to stay with me....he keeps saying im a curse and that he wants to dump me and get someone better in his life...and that the only reason he is staying is because i compel him to do begging him to stay and crying and all..........he is in the same college...even the same class i afraid that even if i somehow summon the courage to break up:
1. I will still have to face him everyday and fight the fact that i love him
2. He might get back at me by ruining my reputation in my class by distorting the reasons for the break up
3. I may never find the right guy for myself coz wen he is at his caring man can match him...that is why i fell in love with him in the first place....

i cant sleep at night anymore...keep seeing the way he has manhandled me....abused my parents who are so fond of him....made me come begging after him...

Posts: 4 | From: Mumbai,India | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peer Ambassador
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We're all wrong about people sometimes imaginarydiva. It happens. What is important now is that you deal with it and help yourself.

His actions can never be your fault. Only he is responsible for his abuse. You dont deserve punishment and you dont deserve this treatment from him.

I really encourage you to gain support for yourself. Get your friends around you. Tell your parents- parents expect their children to make mistakes, honestly. Maybe talk to a counsellor at college.

It seems to me that you know you need to break up with him. And he also would like to end the relationship. So staying together is just prolonging something neither of you want.

Youre giving yourself a really good chance to find the right guy for you by stepping away from the one who's holding you back. Good luck.

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Member # 37933

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Yeah I do....But Young said...I can't let go of the notion that he is THE can I give up on the person I gave my everything to?? Right now he is in the "being nice" will probably last a week....and in that time he expects me to be happy and normal...and if I dont...if i try to maintain some distance to give myself time to emotionally detach myself from becomes another reason for him to lose his temper and ill treat me again....maybe thats what im scared fact ive started to feel scared of him....dat is why i keep trying to be the person i think he wants me to that he doesnt lose his temper and fall back into the pattern of abusing me.....
trust me...I've tried to distance myself....but since physical proximity is always there as i mentioned in my last post...its not working..its almost like an addiction...but HOW CAN I BE ADDICTED TO SADNESS??

Posts: 4 | From: Mumbai,India | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35336

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I know this is hard to hear, but it's possible that this is how he was when you met him... Abusers can often cover up their tendencies for awhile, but it doesn't last.

My mother married my father, who used to verbally and emotionally abuse her. He went through many many years of therapy, and got "better", but he is still not always such a nice guy.
Before my mom married him, she said many people told her that he was not a nice guy, that even his sisters, who were abusers themselves (which is why she didn't believe it) told her that he was not nice.

SO, not to discredit your relationship with this man, but it's possible that he was just hiding who he really was... Again, with therapy, extensive therapy, these things can be fixed to an extent, but it is not a good situation to be in.
Watching my parents constantly fighting was extremely hard for me to grow up around. I love them both, though my dad was emotionally abusive to me when I was younger, and when I finally expressed to him how it made me feel, my mom was able to convince him to go to therapy, "for the kids..." But, it was part of the cause of my many years of depression, and took me finally breaking down screaming at him "you rip my heart out and step on it every day!"... It's hard to recover a relationship when it gets to that point...
I still have sympathy for my dad, afterall he was a physically abused kid, and that cycle is extremely hard to break, but still, I wish that he were different. I know he loves me in the best way he can, but the best way he can isn't what most people would define as love, since he was never taught how to love.

I know that you deeply care about this man, and it's understandable. A relationship like this can often seem hard to get out of because of the amount of time, effort, and emotion that you've invested in it. But, if this abuse doesn't stop, you will end up in a life that you didn't picture having. And when I see my mom, it reminds me that I wouldn't want to have the same regrets she has, even though she loves my father, she feels that he's not the person she met, or the person she wanted to marry... she feels that maybe she just settled...

Again, even with extensive therapy it is so hard to recover the relationship you once had.

Nevertheless, after everything I understand you love this man, I love my dad as well, but I just wish things could be different. But I wouldn't want to see anyone end up in the situation my parents are in, the "let's just stay married for the kids..."

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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