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Author Topic: need help asap!
Anya24
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Member # 34179

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Hello, I need some advice ASAP. I am leaving my boyfriend tomorrow while hes at work (my parents arranged a flight for me). Weve been living together for six months with on and off sweetness mingled with horrible fights. He can be a prince in shinning armor a good deal of the time, always very considerate of calling me and letting me know where he is all the time, but when we fight he keeps on telling me over and over that I am not passionate enough, that I portrayed myself as a more passionate person when we met (thus I lied), that I lie too much and that I dont desire intimacy with him. When I first met him I thought he was absolutely everything i wanted, but right off the bat he wanted things to be completely perfect and the fights have worn me down, making things even worse. I lied about taking my bc pills on time one day (one hour late, Ive checked on the brand and its not that big a deal, but I do try very hard to take them on time. : ( bad memory) and he freaked out, asking me how I could lie to him to his face about something like that. Hed ask me things about my past and sometimes I wouldnt remember correctly the answer, and later he found out that certain things werent the way I said they were and he freaked out again, though I told him over and over that i was sorry and i had forgotten. Over and over little situations like that have made me (ironically) less of a passionate person around him. Yet he fails to see that. According to him its all my fault, everything! Well, I decided two days ago I was leaving when we almost broke up and he said I had to leave the apartment the next day (though I know no one here in this area. I assume he thought my parents would pay for a hotel for me!). I asked him why he would treat me like this (I said he obviously hadnt treated any of his ex girlfriends like this) and he said its because they hadn't acted as shitty as I had. Mind you, supposedly his "best relationship ever" was with a girl that lied to him about plenty of stuff, too. she was supposedly more "fiery" than me, more "passionate" (god im beginning to hate the word). I was very angry and asked him why the hell I deserved this, and he simply yelled at me and said that he was the one that was suffering in this relationship, etc etc... sigh...well, I decided to leave while he was gone because I could totally see him asking for all the money back that he ever spent on gifts to me (he actually did once before when we were almost about to break up. He asked for 800 dollars! I doubt they could all amount to as much). Yes, this is pretty insane, but in spite of it all I love him, and I know that in some weird way hes very attached to me even though he may not love me. I cant get the image out of my head of him coming home to find me gone. Should I brake up with him in person? (he would never lay a hand on me) I just really want to avoid him screaming his head off and pounding the walls and telling me to go f*ck myself when I do. But I know that if I leave like this he will hate my guts, and it makes me want to burst in tears thinking of someone i love so much hating me so much.
Posts: 10 | From: Iowa | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, while I don't know (bearing in mind all I know is what you've posted here, this being your first post), that I'd class this as an abusive relationships, it certainly is a dysfunctional one, and you two obviously need to not be together anymore.

But however you need to break it off right now is the way you should do it. If it feels better to you to just go and leave a note or phone later, then do that. if you feel better about telling him in person you're leaving, do that. Point is, there's no one right way, especially with a relationship like this where it's so clearly SO already O-V-E-R.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67221 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Anya24
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Member # 34179

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I dont know if its abusive or dysfunctional or what, all I know is that he thinks everything is my fault, which means that when I point to him something thats his fault, he says I deserve it for everything else. I do though hide emails from him and what not, and get scared when we start talking about my past. I dont know how I should end it, on one hand I feel really shitty for leaving like this (hes being all sweet now, though I know now it wont last), and on the other Im just terrified of him when he gets angry. Once we almost broke up he threatened to sell all my stuff if I didnt give him the money for the gifts he'd bought me.
Posts: 10 | From: Iowa | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Really, with a relationship that is this big of a mess, it's safe to say all the big damage is really already done, and there's no good way/bad way to do a final termination.

You just clearly need to get the heck out, like, yesterday.

Flatly, if he really feels about you as he's said he does, then he's not even going to care very much that you leave, or how you leave.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67221 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Anya24
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Member # 34179

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Thank you...I guess I really should have left a long time ago...I just cant believe it...youd never guess this from the way we loved each other at first [Frown]
Posts: 10 | From: Iowa | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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A suggestion for something good to read once you're out of this and making a fresh start?

"All About Love," by bell hooks. It's one of my very favorite books on love and relationships, and I think you'll find it pretty enlightening when it comes to delving into the way we define and view love, and how really, if people get like this towards each other, it probably wasn't really love to begin with.

It's great stuff, and (I think) really helpful in terms of retuning your brain for the next time around per being able to perhaps see better, from the start, what really is growing love in action, and what the yucky stuff is that we so often mistake for love.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67221 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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