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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Past abuse coming back up.. really long sorry

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Author Topic: Past abuse coming back up.. really long sorry
Midnight Dreamer
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I mentioned a little bit about past abuse that I have been through in previous posts. I cant go into detail about every time because that would take more space than I have and more patience than anyone would have to read it all in one sitting.So for now I will talk about the one that has been bothering me the most. This is kinda long so please bear with me I will make it as short as possible but I have been having horrendus nightmares and maybe talking will get it out and help some.

In Febuary 2002 I met a guy his name was Chris we met at a local dance club. He seemed like the perfect guy he was charming polite and just an all around gentleman. I was 15 and he was 20 the age difference didnt ring any bells with me because I was so used to hanging around with older people and I was a little to mature for my age.

We started dating and things went well for a while. The first few dates were parentally supervised he didnt seem to mind he was always extremely sweet to my parents and was extremely kind to me in front of them. My parents seemed to like him and I was happy something I hadnt been in a while.

In April we went to a formal dance together with my cousin and her dad as a chaperone. The night went well, he was a complete gentleman and my uncle and him got along great. That night he told me he loved me and I told him a loved him back because I thought that I did. He gave me a necklace that was a heart with love written across the middle in gold. He told me I was his heart. My uncle reported the next day when he took me home that Chris had been great and he saw no reason as to why I wouldnt be safe going out with him. My mom said that we could have one trial date with my sister and if that went well we could start going out alone.

So the following friday he picked me my sis and her freind up and we all went to the movies. We saw different movies my sis and her freind (my sis was 9 at the time) went to see some childrens movie and we went to see panic room. He started making out with me in the theatre and I went along with it actually enjoying it a bit. He wanted more and I didnt want to give it to him I was afraid but I told him not in public at least. I could tell this upset him but when my sis and her freind and me and him all reconvened in the lobby he was a complete gentleman he drove us all home kissed me goodnight said he was sorry for making a move and left.

That same wk we went to the cumberland falls and we walked down to a secluded beach area and he starting making out with me. Again he pressured for sex and I said no.

He slapped me in the face told me to quit being a tease. he walked away from me and I walked after him the argument escaladed and he shoved me I fell over a downed tree scratching my legs and bruising my back. He walked over to me told me to get up in a very mean tone. I started to cry and got up he grabbed me by the arm and shook me telling me to shut up and to tell everyone I just "fell".

When we got back to my parents he kissed me and told me he was really sorry he was just frustrated. I didnt say anything except that I wouldnt tell and I walked in the house.He sent me flowers and candy and called every day appologizing I took his appology and we went back out.

The physical abuse picked up he would hit me more and more if he didnt like what I had to say or what I was doing. he applogized and would tell me things like well if you didnt make me do it I wouldnt, or I love you thats why I have to keep you in line you know.I was only 15 I didnt know any better and I loved this man. In may he turned 21 and I went to his house for what was supposed to be a birthday party.

When I got there there was no one home he said we could have our own party. We went to his bedroom where he reassured me that if I said stop he would. So we started making out and I was sure he would stop. Well he didnt, he kept pressuring me to have sex with him and I didnt want to.For some reason he asked me about my virginity I told him no I wasnt a virgin he didnt ask about why I wasnt he just started making out with me more aggresivily after a while he told me he wouldnt take me home if I didnt have sex with him.

Being more afraid of being late for curfew than I was of him I said yes reluctantly he told me to take off my pants and underclothes and I did. He got on top of me it hurt so badly I asked him to stop and he said no. I started to cry and he said dont cry I said stop it hurts he said no. I just laid there and cried repeating no over and over through pain clenched teeth.

Finally it was over he went to the bathroom and cleaned himself up I put my clothes back on and tried to fix my makeup where I had been crying.He drove me home and he talked to me like nothing had happened he said I was very tight I felt like a virgin he asked me if I lied to him about not being a virgin.

I looked at him and I said no I will never forget the night that I lost my virginity this man beat me to the point of almost unconsouisness and raped me. He said he would never be that mean to me. I told him I asked him to stop what he had been doing.

He stopped the car and looked over at me with rage filled eyes he said that he did not rape me he never hit me once I could have fled if I wanted and that was that he didnt rape me and to not say that ever again. the rest of the drive home was silent.

When I got home I showered forever I kept telling myself it wasnt rape. I could have stopped him he was right it wasnt rape I was his gf and that was what bf's and gf's do they have sex. I still wasnt happy about it but it wasnt like I had been a virgin.

He called the next day saying he was sorry if I felt like things had gotten out of hand. and for the next little while things went well he didnt hit me he was pleasant.

Then in June it started again the degrading remarks and the hitting. We went to the movies one night in late June and he wanted to leave said it was to crowded. We went back to his place he said his brother was home so we couldnt mess around. I said that was fine with me. We went in and watched the movie for a while then Chris started to make out with me. I told him to stop and he got mad and stormed off into his room. I head him turn on some music I knew he was mad. I talked to Jason (his brother) for a while told him how Chris had been acting he said Chris was just that way. Jason told me I should go talk to Chris he was mad and that he would go with me so nothing would happen. So Jason walked with me into Chris's room.

He sat down on the bed with his back against the wall and I sat on the middle edge of the bed. Chris didnt say anything to me he got up and walked across the room. He turned the light off and Jason grabbed me from behind. Jason pulled my upper body up into his lap and held his arms around my shoulders so I couldnt move I started to scream and he put his hand over my mouth I felt Chris get on top of me and start pulling my jeans off. I tried to kick him but everytime I did Jasons grip got stronger being afraid that he would strangle me I stopped.

Chris raped me while Jason held me down. they both said nasty things to me and taunted me. Chris raped me twice that night. When it was all finally over he got cleaned up and took me home. I didnt kiss him goodnight or anything I went in and showered decided this could no longer go on.

I waited about two wks ingnored Chris's phone calls and pleas for forgivness then I went to my mom and asked her if I said yes then no to a boy if that was rape. She said that it was and we went to the police. I told them what had happened both times.

They said since I had no physical evidence and after they interviewed both of them and they both denied it they said it was a case of he said she said that would never stand up in court and sent me away. I still dont know what to think of the situation it still haunts me to this day.

[edited to add paragraph breaks so that I could actually read this -- HC]

[ 04-12-2007, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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cool87
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Honey, I am truly sorry you had to go through such things. No one, ever ever deserves such things, no matter what. So ''Hugs'' going to you.

That being said, what you are going through right now, still having problems forgetting what happens, having nightmares, flashbacks or such things about it from time to time, all of it, is all part of the normal healing process and PTSD which obviously takes time. Guess it's not news to you, right ?

It's already a big step to be able to talk about it here. And even more amazing to see you've decided to go through counseling. I know it happens when you were 15 and that you're now 21 or so (if I'm not mistaken ?), but some people will never be able to talk about it and, for others, it will take much more time than just a few years. So it's something to be proud of, really.

I've read in your previous posts that you started counseling. So, may I ask how things are going right now with your counselor hun ? Did you bring up those issues with her/him yet ? Has she/he offered you for example some support groups therapy in addition to your own individual therapy ? How is it going overall ?

(By the way, just as a small note, you are more than welcome to post your story or feelings or whatever may help you here. [Smile] )

[ 04-11-2007, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Midnight Dreamer
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Thank you cool yes I am 20 will be 21 this December. I have been talking to my counselor about the nightmares and she has been trying to help me through them its all just part of the PTSD. There are still a lot more experiences that I am unable to talk about. I think we are conditioned as children and even young adults to keep such things quiet so I have. But I have been quiet long enough. Thank you for welcoming me to post here it truly does help maybe soon I will be able to address some of the other abuse issues.
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cool87
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No problems. Glad to know I have been of some help. [Smile]

[ 04-11-2007, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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(Midnight, I just edited your post so that it was readable: all of that without a single paragraph break made it impossible for me to read until now.)

A couple bits of information for you: if you're interested in this, do you understand that you have a legal right TO report this, and that if the police would not take your report because they did not see it as a case you could win, that they did not honor your rights? You could go back now -- it doesn't matter that time has passed -- and file a report, making clear that you were denied that right before. If you are interested in doing that -- for your own resolution, as well as to help protect others and do what you can to hold these two guys accountable -- what I'd suggest is a) filing a report of both rape -- reporting both of them -- and partner abuse and b) asking for a rape/abuse advocate, which the police should also have provided you. Additionally, did they provide you with resources per STI testing and the like? I'm just wondering if you don't also have a case against the police, here.

I'd also consider asking your current counselor about a referral to a sexual abuse/rape support group. It may provide you some extra help and support to be able to listen to and talk with a group of other survivors.

[ 04-12-2007, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Midnight Dreamer
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Thank you heather for editing that for me sorry I didnt do it myself I was just to emotional at the time. I am afraid to go back to the police the last time they just acted like I was some stupid girl that was having day after regrets. (that was basically what they told me) It has been so long now I dont think I could handle a trial just seeing him in the store or at a club (as I have recently) scares me so badly that I go into full panic attack mode. Thank you for the help though I have been thinking more and more about the support group option because as of right now the memories have gotten so bad that I havent slept in three days and it is affecting me both physically and emotionally. Again thank you Heather and Cool for the support I am so glad I found a place where I will not be judged for what happened to me. Hugs to both of you if ok.
Midnight

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cool87
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You know, just because they acted badly last time you went to the police, doesn't mean the same thing will happen again this time hun. You can always take that chance another time. It's your right to do that.

Anyway, it all comes back to you in the end and how comfortable you are doing that. I know reporting can sometimes be a hell of a lot hard to do-- even more so when you got ignored once before-- but this can in a lot of cases too, just bring you a lot of relieve and not only help you but help others too. But, as I said, it's up to you.

As for your insomnia problem, is that something you've reported to your therapist/counselor ? In some cases, medication can be prescribed to help you sleep better. So, if it is really bothersome and have been lasting for some time now and still last, I'd suggest, if you haven't already, maybe talking about it with your counselor so maybe you both could find a solution ?

Having nightmares and insomnia is part of the normal abuse process, right, but it is also something we can reverse/at least relieve easily in a lot of cases with the proper medication and therefore not something you have to suffer through for weeks/months or whatever.

[ 04-13-2007, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Just FYI? Reporting rape and abuse to the police is difficult as heck, and very trying. And if she's going back to the same police station she went to the first time, she has very valid reasons to be wary.

If you DO want to, though, Midnight, especially since you have to see this guy walking around, what I'd simply advise is going with your parents again, and either asking for a rape advocate in the first place, or bringing one WITH you from a local rape crisis center. Those who advocate for victims know full well how poorly treated rape and abuse victims can be by the legal and police system, so they're usually very much ready to have your back: that's their job.

You can also absolutely talk to a victim's advocate about the pros and cons of trying to make a case again, about how it could benefit you, and how it might make things more difficult, so that you can really weigh your options.

I'm wondering if lately something particular has been triggering you, if suddenly you're having extra trouble sleeping, extra panic attacks?

(FYI, cool, for many survivors, dealing with triggers, night terrors and insomnia really isn't an easy fix, or something that a simple medication can miraculously make better.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Midnight Dreamer
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Thank you both for the kind words and help. I have been triggered lately I saw Chris at a resteraunt that I was at he was working there I had to leave I couldnt stand being in the same room as him. Then I saw him again at a dance club and again at the grocery store him being around so much lately has been very trying. And the way that he looks at me he smiles it's terrifying. I dont even know if he remembers what he did to me or if he feels any remorse. I have been getting triggered by everything lately I dont know why. I am on sleeping meds but they dont stop the nightmares that wake me up and dont allow me to go back to sleep. I am going to schedule and emergency appt. with my counselor and talk to her more about this. But thank you both for the support it is much needed right now. So thank you both again.
Midnight

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Heather
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Believe me, he remembers. It's hard to deal with that, I know, but rapists know what they're doing, and they don't just space out what they've done. If he's looking at you and smiling, he is likely INTENDING to still terrorize you.

(And FYI, one thing you could get from filing a report is a restraining order that requires he stay a certain distance away from you: might help you feel more secure.)

The emergency app't sounds like a great idea: triggers are tough to deal with, but if we can get to the bottom of where they're coming from, we can usually manage them to some degree by avoiding or ridding ourselves of those triggers as best we can.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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