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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » "when is enough...enough?" Part2. Went to 2 a psychologist.

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Author Topic: "when is enough...enough?" Part2. Went to 2 a psychologist.
Est. In 1984
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I went to see a psychologist yesterday re: the post I posted 11/15/06. The truth is that I felt really uncomfortable. I felt as though she was upset with the answers I gave to her questions.
ie: Why did you stay with him for 4 more yrs after th 1st time he hit you? me: "I loved him, he said he was sorry and that he would'nt do it again". She gave me his look of disgust and disbelief. I really did love him and still love him. I believed him EVERYTIME he said he would change...I felt deep down inside he wanted to change and trully did hate hurting me. She told me I was naive...which I felt was a bit rude and disrespectful. I know that I should have left...but I didnt. All the yrs we were together were not bad. Of course we had our GREAT times. I know that she is a professional and I dont doubt she knows what she is talking about but until you go through what an abused (physically & verbally) person has gone through you cannot be quick to judge. Is it wrong to believe a person is speaking the truth? She told me to repeat to my "I'm not in love ith him...I'm in love w/ the fantasy of what could have been." I do feel that to be some what true. Everytime I think of him I think of all the good time...ignoring all the bad he did to me. I think of the great guy I met. I know that if he would have chnges we COULD have been happy together. She told me the reason he left me was because he got tired of abusing me...I was not a chase...I became a push over. She said this doesnt mean he's going to change he just ot tired of ME. That made me cry. he told me to start a journal...I dont know what to write about. She told me a lot of thing that I honestly already knew...but It hurt even more hearing them come from someone else's mouth. right now I just want things to be normal. I dont want to wake up w/ him on my mind or go to sleep thinking of him. He had he right to not want to be with me n-e more. But why did he have to lead me on givng me false hopes making it seem as though I was the person he wanted to be with. All the while he new I was not going to be in his future. I want to LET go. I want ot reach the point where I see this as a blessing and not torture. It didnt help when she said i was imotionally attached and it could take 6 onths o 1yr to heal. What the hell!!!! That it too long. He doesnt deserve to be on my mind for that long. I'm not even on his n-e more and it's only been 3ks. I dont really want to go back to her. She made me feel like what I'm feeling is NOt ok.
Thats honeslty the last thing I need right now. Why does she think it is so impirtant for my mom to know that he abused me. I dont want my mom to hurt as well (she never knew becasue I hid it). She thought we were happy...I was. I learned to erase all the bad as it happened. I focused on the good guy. Which he was most of the time.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I suggest you give it a few days before you make any decisions about continuing therapy: because hard as it is, sounds like even that one session got you looking a little more realistically at things and starting to process. The therapist may or may not be a survivor herself, but if this is her arena of practice, she likely knows as much about it as you do.

And again: an abuser? Isn't a good guy ANY of the time. They're always an abuser, just like a bank robber is still a bank robber even when he isn't robbing banks that day. Abuse isn't just the hitting or the yelling or the punching: it's also the manipulative "makeup" behaviour which makes a vioctim stick around.

None of these are easy truths, and facing them is never easy, no matter what route anyone takes to do so.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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How are things feeling with a day or two to sleep on them, Michelle?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Est. In 1984
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Honestly?...Still hard. Everything said was the truth. I'm going to go back because I feel that if I try to do this alone I will go crazy and this will eat @ me. I just want ot shake this feeling. I want to wake up and be OVER him...completely. I dont like feeling that if he came back I would take him back...I also feel that he will never come back. I'm so confused. I still want him as crazy as that sounds but I know he's not for me. He will never change. I let him cross the line one two many times. He owes me $1000.00 & has until today to pay me back ( that was our agreement) I think he's going to try to not pay me back. It's going to have to go to court which is the last thing I want. I dont want to have to see him...out of sight out of mind.

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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Heather
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I say worry about the money/court issues later, when you're ready.

One thing that might help w/feeling like you'd go back if he asked? Can you ask close friends or family to help you in this way, basically, to help police you a bit in terms of being there, should that temptation arise, to tell you that you may NOT go back?

Might also help to start writing down all he did to you to have a list to refer to yourself at those moments.

Glad to hear you're going to stick with the counseling. I know it's hard, but with a good counselor, it's almost always very worthwhile. be sure to ask her, too, about support groups she can refer you to: sometimes, being in the company of other people grappling with the same thing can be an awesome thing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Est. In 1984
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Where you ever in an abusive relstionship? Did you love ur abuser? Did you feel like u could'nt be w/out him?

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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Heather
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You know, I came of age with familial abuse and also as a rape and molestation survivor, so sparing one relationship of mine that started to become emotionally abusive -- and which I terminated, but it took me a good year from when the abusive dynamics began to do so , and yes, I loved that person a lot, they had been my best friend for years and years before that -- and a couple that clearly looked as if they'd go that way, and so I doged the bullet early, I personally have not been in a long term abusive relationship.

Mostly, I think that is because I was so hyper-aware of warning signs of abuse so young that it's always been a lot easier for me to spot before-the-fact than it might be for others. I also had counseling for my early abuses, so I had help early on in not getting stuck in patterns, and had a pretty hearty sense of self-preservation, due to a lot of different factors.

Many of those factors given, I think it's been a good 20 years since I felt like I couldn't live without anyone, period. I know full well that even totally abandoned by everyone -- and having been there before, too -- I will survive and I will live, even in the crappiest of circumstances. I mean, right now, my partner is so, so dear to me, in a way that even what I would have classed as the biggest love of my life pales, and I very much would not WANT to life my life without him in it, but I know that if something happened, much as it'd hurt for a while, I COULD. And that's about someone who has never, ever treated me anything but wonderfully, you know?

But given what I do here and elsewhere, I talk to a LOT of people stuck in, or who have been stuck on, abusive relationships. What you're going though is completely normal: everyone working through something like this goes through this.

Do yourself a favor, okay? Make sure you're not punishing yourself for loving someone and depending on them in some way. We never err, any of us, in loving anyone. We may not be able to be WITH those people, and those people may not love us back, and may even do us harm, so we may need to acknowledge our love for those people but let them go/keep them far from us. But just feeling love for anyone isn't an error: you didn't do anything wrong because you loved someone incapable of loving back.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Est. In 1984
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Thank you so much for ur words...Kniwing that ur a survivor of what seems to be an even harder situation REALLY and TRULLY does make me feel like all this pain will one day (when i least expect it or when i'm ready to let go will) subside. I went to church today and was saved. I've decided to give myself to GOD. I feel good when i'm @ church and when i talk to people who have been affected in their lives by him. Tonight the pastor said " It's much easier to pull someone down then it is to lift them up and help them find the way." I was trying to pull him up while he was pulling me down and succeeding. I have saved myself and I've realized that the person that is right for me has not crossed my path. It's going to happen when it's time. That person will love me and not want a thing in return. I have faith that in time the pain will go away...eventually I will see this as a blessing.
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Heather
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Of course.

And glad you found a place of solace for yourself. By the by, if you feel best at church and with the people there, why not ask your pastor/minister/preist (not sure what type of church this is) if your church has any support groups or systems for women who have been abused? Plenty do. Even if there isn't a more formalized support group, there may be someone else in your chursh who has worked through it you could get hooked up with to get some extra help and support.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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