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Author Topic: Whats going on here? Mothers fiance..
disappearing_one626
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It was maybe two years ago that my mothers boyfriend (who she is engaged to) moved in. It has been absolute hell ever since. Sometimes I feel like both my mother and I are being abused by him, but most of the time Im really not sure, so I guess what Im asking is, am I right or wrong? When he first came to live with us my mom had only been with him for maybe two months, and she had recently gotten out of a very short lived but bad relationship, so I was hesitent. When I first met him I was not impressed like everyone else, I for one did not find his jokes about beating women and children "in the bathtub" with a rolled up telephone book to prevent bruises were funny. Thats not to say that everyone else found them hilarious, but his response of "you cant take a joke" or "i cant believe your taking this so seriously" did not work on me to get me to relax about them. I didnt like the way he spoke to my mother, and I didnt like how arrogant he was. For some reason he didnt believe that I didnt like him because of his personality, nope, it had to have been because I was racist. Nevermind the fact that I was okay with him till he opened his mouth. That was the first sign of trouble I think. I didnt want to be around him very much, and in order to get attention (he even admitted it once) he started purposely trying to offend me and insult me to get some kind of reaction out of me.. Does this sound like a grown man to you? He started going on and on about how he was the best thing to happen to my mother and she would be "sh*t out of luck" without him, and how selfish I was for "trying to drive them apart" (I wasnt). I remember the first night that things got scary was when I was listening to some music, and he didnt like how loud it was. So my mother told me to turn it down, I did. He still had a problem with it, and became very offended, as if I was personally trying to attack and provoke him. Without saying anything to my mother or me, he went downstairs and flipped the breaker to my room. Everything went black. It was the middle of the summer and I had nothing to power the fan in the window, so I turned it back on and he ran downstairs and yelled at me, and flipped it back. He stood in my way, blocking me from moving, and just screamed at me. I tried to walk away, but he just got real close to me, and stared down, trying to intimidate me. He kept the one sided fight going till 2 am. To this very day I dont listen to music out loud. Its been like that ever since. My mother and him fight constantly, he screams so loud you can hear him from the front yard. They do it all night, once they fought (and I mean the scary kind of fighting) from 11pm-12pm the next day. I actually called the cops around 7 am, and once they were gone they slept for a bit, got back up and fought again. He holds everyone to standards that he doesnt even attempt to live up to. He needs to know what my mother is doing at all times, but she has no right to know what hes doing. He once started a huge fight, and literally cornered me till I looked right at his face while talking, (he said I wasnt treating him like a human being by not doing so) but when I called him out for not doing it himself, he said he didnt have to look at me, it was not his obligation. If he isnt getting enough attention, he will make things up in order to stir up trouble. I remember once we were all up at my grandmothers house eating dinner, every time I tried to say something he`d cut me off, and was constantly trying to push my buttons. Once my mother had gone outside and he went into the living room to read the newspaper I talked to my grandmother for awhile. When we went home I heard them fighting not to long afterwards. He basicly felt persecuted (his words not mine) and attacked by the fact that I apparently waited for him to leave to speak to anyone. He turned it into a 3 day long fight. He does that kind of thing all the time, if there isnt something to fight about he`ll make something happen or make something up. And he turns everything around on you. This isnt the most serious example but its a good one, once I walked in on him in the bathroom, the door was almost half open and the light was off. Instead of admitting he should A. Close the door and B. Turn the light on, he turned it around on me saying that he would have still knocked and that I had bad manners because I didnt. The last round of fights lasted about a week and a half. It was the scariest yet. He would shut off the power in my room even if they were just fighting, (he`ll do it even if the fight has nothing to do with me) He busted my door, ( kicked it open) and stood in the doorway blocking my way out and just kept screaming the same sentence over and over and over. When I almost got out he moved forward with his chest out to me trying to intimidate me and cornered me again and started repeating the sentence. When I started to slip out from around him he grabbed my arm and held me there, when the dog freaked out and started barking like crazy, he picked her straight up by the collar and I grabbed her and pushed him away, he let the dog go and came up on me, and I ran out the room, outside. I walked barefoot in the rain as far away as I could from the house, it happened again for several more days, so whenever I would hear them fighting I could get dressed, put my shoes on and put what I needed in my coat to get ready. After all of the things he did, the very crazy things he did, he had the nerve to say that he exposed me for "what I was" as in manipulative, paranoid, short tempered, and basicly crazy. He said he was too smart, that he saw right though me and talked about how he`s a good judge of character, and that if I ever crossed him again he`d make sure I was cut out of my mothers life for good. He has already cut my sister out for good, and frankly I dont care if he does that to me. I just want out of here. I know on some level this is abuse, but I feel weak for not being able to handle it well. I cant believe how bad I feel about it, I get sick thinking about him. I dont understand why this small level of abuse is causing such strong reactions. Im sorry for the length, thanks for reading if you made it this far, I feel like I cant talk to anyone about it, and its just weighing me down lately.
Posts: 9 | From: VA | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Honey, this is NOT minor, "little" abuse. This is full blown abuse, complete with physical acts and mental torture.

While I know this isn't your relationship, why don't you fill out the Abusive Partner Checklist based on what you observe, and report the results back here?

You need out of there before something worse happens. What is happening is mental torture, and it can be far more scarring than anything physical. If your mom won't listen to reason, you need to take action. Is there anybody you trust to talk to about this: a counselor, teacher, coach, clergy member, relative, anyone?

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
disappearing_one626
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Checklist
[X] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily
[X] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot
[X] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)
[X] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down
[X] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)
[] I am afraid to say no to sex
[X] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me
[X]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry
[X] I am fraid to disagree with my partner
[X] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me
[X]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault

Thats what Ive observed in their relationship. I really honestly dont know who to talk to.

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-Lauren-
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This is just a giant neon sign that this is a dangerous situation for you to be in. How are you doing in other aspects of your life, such as school? The school counselor could be a great resource to start with; even if they can't assist you, they can direct you to people who can. Is this an option?

(Your post, in general, just strikes a little too close to home for me to be objectively helpful. I've been through a lot of the same things. I'll see if I can get a mod who can better assist you to peek in; you won't be forgotten though, so hang tight.)

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disappearing_one626
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No, Im home-schooled for now. I might be getting back into school this year though. Thanks for all the help you gave me.
Posts: 9 | From: VA | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beppie
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Are you able to contact your sister or your grandmother? Do you think that they might be able to help you?

Also, you could try calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1800-799-7233 It's a free and confidential service.

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disappearing_one626
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What do they do? Is it like something you can call and talk to someone about it, or do they try to help you or something?
Posts: 9 | From: VA | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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That I can help with:

ndvh.org

They deal with everything domestic-violence related, whether you need someone to talk to, or need help with safety planning and finding resources in your area.

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Ecofem
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disappearing_one, where are you in Virginia? You don't have to name a city or county if you don't want to, but could you say a general region/area? Thanks.
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disappearing_one626
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I live in SW Virginia, why do you ask?
Posts: 9 | From: VA | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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I'm originially from Virginia (grew up in northern VA and lived in southern VA for a few years), so I was going to look up local resources for you. It sounds really scary what your mom's fiance is doing to you, it's blatant abuse. It's not your fault, and you shouldn't have to suffer from it like you are now.

I see you're 17, like a high school junior-senior equivalent? What are your plans after finishing your schooling? Are you planning to stay longer or hoping to move out asap? Do you have a car, work part-time, attend church or a youth group regularly?

Again, as Miss Lauren and Beppie asked, is there anyone you can talk to about this? Would moving in with your sister or grandma be an option? This sounds like a really dangerous situation for both you and your mom, but it's important to think about your safety first and foremost, especially since she's the one who got you stuck in the situation. Have you ever talked to your mom about how threatened you feel?

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disappearing_one626
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Im working part time now, but I dont have a car. I want to get out as soon as possible and am hoping to go to college. My sister is pretty much out of my life now, so she isnt really an option. I dont even have a way to contact her. My grandmother lives right down the street from us, and I really cant say if moving in with her would be an option, there really isnt any room as shes been staying with my uncle. Im not really part of any youth groups and I dont go to church, I know I need to do something about this but I just dont know what.
Posts: 9 | From: VA | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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I'm going to ask other moderators about places to go. I had asked about youth group/church/etc. as places with adults to go to for help, since you are homeschooled. There is always Child Protective Services or the police for emergencies, such as when your mother's fiance becomes physically violent (or if you just feel really scared and threatened for any other reason.) Let me see what other more in between options exist.

How is your relationship with your uncle; does he know about your home situation?

It's good that you are working and have college plans. It really stinks that you're in this situation, but it's important that you recognize it as one to get out of. I'll get back to you with more information soon as I get it.

[ 09-05-2006, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Heather
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This is another situation in which I'd suggest you contact your local YWCA, who could likely get started on getting you AND the rest of your family help. Is there one near you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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Thanks, Heather. I looked up YWCAs in Virginia, disappearing_one626. Here is the link: http://www.ywca.org/siteapps/custom/ywca/local.aspx?c=djISI6PIKpG&b=281414

Perhaps this YWCA in Roanoke would be the closest to you?

Office: YWCA Roanoke Valley
Address: 605 1st St SW
Roanoke, VA 24011-2303
Phone: 540-345-9922
Fax: 540-343-1560
http://www.ywcaroanoke.org/

Or in Danville?

Office: YWCA Danville/Pittsylvania County
Address: 750 Main St
Danville, VA 24541-1819
Phone: (434) 792-1522
Fax: (434) 792-1522

Or maybe Lynchburg?

Office: YWCA Central Virginia
Address: 626 Church St
Lynchburg , VA 24504-1304
Phone: 434-847-7751
Fax: 434-528-3449
http://www.ywca.org/site/pp.asp?c=mkI1L6MPJvE&b=919375

Here's the general map in case one in a bordering state would be closer.
http://www.ywca.org/siteapps/custom/ywca/local.aspx?c=djISI6PIKpG&b=281414

[ 09-05-2006, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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disappearing_one626
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My uncle isnt around too much so no he doesnt really know much about any of this. The YWCA in Roanoke is the closest, do I just call and ask to speak with someone, seeing as its too far to actually GO to. I do know that this is something I can get out of regardless of what happens now, so Im not losing hope.
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Heather
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Just call in.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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darkcoldnights
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I am actually in the simmilar situation. I posed in the crises thread before but nobody answered.. I think I wasnt clear what I was writing because at that moment I couldn't think straight or even explain my situation properly. Me and my mother have been living with this man(we knew him for a long time before) for 4 months now. Him and my mom have bought a house together (50/50). Now everytime my mom goes on a meeting he accuses her of having sex with other men and calls her a prostitute. Yesterday he even hurt her finger, which is swollen now. I am afraid of him because he keeps talking bad about my mom, he tells me that she has sex with all these men, and that its a problem that must be cured. I don't understand why he is doing like that, a) my mom works every single day, she has papers published, she makes dinner, does everything b)he said she has been with 6 men, ok that has never happened but if it did who cares, whats wrong with having been with 6 men c) he is not even married to her. I am honestly afraid to go into the house, I have locked my self in my room and don't want to see him, cause last time he came in i couldnt stop shaking and i ran outside.. where i started crying to one of my neighbours. My mom has been stressed aswell, I been trying to contact the police but they wouldn't come if there was no violence at the moment or something. I am just so worried for my mom. Is there anything else I could do. One of the most horrible things is that half of this house is ours and we are afraid to be in it. I honestly dont know what to do, please help. He has threatened to shut off all internet and everything. Its impossible to live here untill we move. is there anyway we could stop him from talking to us while we manage to move, or make him leave the house, cause we have no family here or anywhere to stay during that time.
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Ecofem
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Actually, your post was just replied to here: ubb=get_topic;f=28;t=002977
(I know this is very important and difficult, but sometimes it's a day or so before you get a reply.)

I'm really sorry to hear the police aren't stepping in to help you when you're clearly very scared. What about contacting social services/child protective services? You could call the police back for a number? Have you called one of the organizations in ookuotoe's link? Could you make the call from your neighbor's house? Please get in touch with one of the groups asap.

For starters, here is this number from LANDSORGANISATION AF KVINDEKRISECENTRE, a children's crisis hotline? at http://www.lokk.dk/:

Hotline for
voldsramte kvinder
70 20 30 82
Svarer hele
døgnet

Again, here's the link with multiple orgs: http://www.hotpeachpages.net/europe/europe1.html#Denmark

My thoughts are with you.

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Ecofem
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Here's another site suggesting the same number:

Er der vold i din familie,
og har du brug for hjælp eller rådgivning?

Hotline: 70 20 30 82
(svarer hele døgnet)

http://www.voldmodkvinder.dk/

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