posted
Ok. So recently this past weekend, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. He said we were over and and I fought for an hour to make it work. He was very upset with me because in his terms I cheated on him. However, the situation was that he and I and my best friend went to a dance club on friday night. Normally my boyfriend doesn't like to dance to rap songs. So my friend and I went down on the floor. My friend doesn't have a boyfriend and needs excitement sometimes. So I drug a guy that I went to school with and his cousin out on the floor to dance with my friend. However, the guy I knew from school started dancing behind me. He put his hand on my hip and I immediately turned around and said not to do that, because I have a boyfriend upstairs.
I moved over a little and continued to dance. But I guess he moved behind me again. My boyfriend was so pissed that night that he didnt talk to me for the rest of the night, and then he even left as soon as we got back.
Saturday he came over and I talked to him for an hour. He said its cheating. I can see where he is coming from. HOwever, I have been through enough pain by hurting him. I made him cry. I never wanted to make him cry. He means the world to me.
Anyways. So he and I are still together. We hung out sunday and tuesday. Tuesday I went up to his house and we hung out there. I was going to spend the night because I really didnt want to drive home, however, my mom told me that she would "perfer" that I came home. When mom says "perfer" it really means come home or I will be pissed at you. So I came home.
I think to my boyfriend, it will appear that my mom hates him. She doesn't really. She wants him and I to work. But, she is afraid because of his temper. And when he and I play wrestle, he is a little rougher. I have had some bruises but they weren't intentional. She gets very upset because of that. The reason she gets upset is because my aunt(her sister), who passed away when I was three, was in an abusive relationship up until she died. She didnt die from the abusive relationship, but she was in one til she died. In fact, she married the abusive guy.
I seem to take after my aunt alot. My mom sees her sister in my all the time. In fact, she sometimes calls me her sisters name. I would hate to hurt my mom, but my mom believes that my boyfriend is a great guy too. She just is afraid that I will get hurt. She said that he and I don't need to see each other as much for a while. But, yet we are going to see each other just the same. He is my boyfriend and I want to see him when I want to see him.
I love my mom and my boyfriend. But my mom wants to tell my boyfriend how she feels about the situation. How can I can let my mom talk to my boyfriend without him getting mad and wanting to break up based on what my mom says. He has told me not to get listen to everything my mom says because I am 19 and can make my own choices. I just need him to understand the way my mom feels, the way I feel, and how I am not leaving him.
I guess my questions are:
Did I cheat by what I was doing?
How can I make him believe me that I do love him ?
And
How can I have a safe conversation between my mom and Him?
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005
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As far as I can see from your post, you didn't do anything. Some guy danced behind you, even though you asked him not to.
I don't see how that can remotely be construed as you "cheating", and I'm pretty concerned that your boyfriend has had such an extreme reaction.
And when he and I play wrestle, he is a little rougher. I have had some bruises but they weren't intentional.
What does "a little rougher" mean? Leaving bruises is pretty serious. Have you asked him to be gentler? Is the "play wrestling" something you enjoy?
Really, I'm seeing a bunch of warning signs in this post and your previous ones. This is the same guy who lied about going to a strip club in order to see your reaction, makes "jokes" about you needing bigger breasts, has repeated "bouts of anger", and flipped out when you got an inch trimmed off your hair.
And now you say he's leaving bruises, but it's "not intentional".
I think your mom is right to be extremely concerned that this is an abusive relationship, emotionally and possibly physically.
-------------------- "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Thanks for your concern. I have looked at the Abusive Partner Checklist. There are some things that are on the list that make sense, and others that dont. Heck, my parents have been married for 21 years and 2 of them on there my parents do. They hide things from each other, and they get mad at throw things or hit things. Heck, I hit things when I am upset. I don't hit ppl, but I hit my pillows, or my steering wheel if I am driving. Or i have thrown stuffed animals acrossed my room when I am mad.
Abusiveness is not always as it seems. Girls can be just as abusive as guys. To answer your questions, I do enjoy play wrestling with him. Because its fun and cute when I am getting tickled and pinned playfully to the floor. I have asked him to be more gentle and to watch his strength. He said he is trying and He would work on it. I said alright, because I for one know that you cannot stop things just cold turkey.
Second, ya he threw a fit about my hair and he has said stuff about my breasts. But its an on going joke. Such as last night I said something to him. I don't think he will make anymore comments about my breasts. He said last night that one of them fits in the palm of his hand. I made the comment that his penis fits in my hand. I then followed that up with, you dont hear me complaining about the size of it. And he dropped the breast thing.
Another thing is, I think my boyfriend is very insecure. If you will notice, I cut my hair, my boyfriend was upset because I didnt tell him. He thinks I am pretty with my hair the way it is. So by cutting it, maybe he thought more guys would want me. Second, My boyfriend was upset about me dancing with a guy that I went to school with(who he met 5 minutes before). He could have been worried that this guy would take me from him.
I have noticed one thing. When my boyfriend gets scared, he pushes things away. If he is scared I will do something, I get pushed (emotionally) away. I know that he has been hurt multiple times before. And so have I. But I don't think he has ever been secure in a relationship that a girl would not leave. I have no intend to leave. I am not sure he understands that. I am working on making him understand that.
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I'm seeing some warning signs. The play wrestling is one of them. Yes, my bf and I play wrestle as well, but he always goes easy on me because he doesn't want to hurt me. Like logic_grrl pointed out, this guy has had a history of being, well, a controlling jerk, and now he's giving you "accidental" bruises? Sorry, but something doesn't line up.
Also, everyone has their own definition of cheating, but dancing? That's way over the top. From the way you described it, you were just dancing, not grinding. Plus you even told the guy to stop. You did nothing, and your bf's reaction was completely ridiculous. This guy is screaming bad news to me. Please check out the checklist and discuss him with your mom. She's concerned for all the right reasons.
Edit since I didn't see your new post: I still stand by everything I said above. I'm still concerned. You told your bf to go easy, and he said he would "work on it". So far it seems he's still rough with you, but you understand because he "can't stop cold turkey". Excuse me, but what on earth does that mean? Addictions are things you can't stop cold turkey. Being rough with your girlfriend while play wrestling? Totally, totally different. You told him to stop, that means STOP.
You also mentioned he's very insecure and worried about guys stealing you away from him. Yes, I have my insecurities too, as do we all. But look at it this way: He flipped out because you cut your hair. He thinks it will cause more guys to be attracted to you. Okay, but shouldn't he give you more credit? Shouldn't he trust you not to run off with some guy? If he was trusting, he would be proud to have an attractive girlfriend. You said he even thought the guy you were dancing with was gonna steal you from him. Sure, you knew him from school, but apparently not very well and all you did was dance. None of his "insecurities" excuse his behavior, sorry. He still seems controlling and possibly abusive to me.
-------------------- "My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen Posts: 107 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Thanks for all your help. I will definitely consider everything you all are saying. I will however say, even though most relationships are ultimately for the most part. I do trust my judgement. I will figure out what is going on.
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005
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quote:Abusiveness is not always as it seems. Girls can be just as abusive as guys.
Excuse my frankness (and please understand that I don't intend to be harsh: I am completely sympathetic to the sort of situation you're in), but this comment and nearly everything you said after it read like a litany of excuses for him. That's not a pointed-finger at you, or a scolding. Rather, it's just that the way you're talking, that sort of post, like his behaviour, is so terribly textbook to anyone very familiar with abusive or precursor-abusive behaviours and dynamics that it's very hard to even address, especially when anyone with that familiarity also knows it's all going to sound very reasonable to you.
Our abusiveness checklist isn't gender-specific, nor has anyone said anything about men's propensity for abuse. What's being discussed is YOUR specific partner's red flags, and those'd be brought up were he female. This isn't about gender.
I wish I could get you to re-read some of what you've posted here to the you of five years from now. We've had more than one user in scenarios like this, who react the way you are when we first point out textbook signs, but then a couple years later, there they are, the abuse having escalated, very clearly seeing in hindsight what they just did not want to look at at the time.
That said, your boyfriend being angry at YOU for what some other guy did TO you is just absolute rubbish. If he's got issues with insecurity, fine: but if he's working on those enough to have any semblance on a healthy relationship with someone, he should be able to have it together enough to direct his upsets appropriately.
(And everyone can be gentler on one word about it. It's not a drug one is addicted to, and if being too forceful physically IS a habit for him, he needs more than time: he needs real help. I have spent years training in boxing, and I can adjust my hits very easily when I'm trainging with my larger partner, or when I'm teaching kids. It's not rocket science, nor is it that complicated. If even something like that is a big challenge for him, he needs more than a laymen or girlfriend to help out with things like this.)
[ 08-16-2006, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Why not trust your Mom on this? Sounds to me like her instincts are dead-on, and I'd agree 100% with her advice to take some time away for a while, and try and get a little bit of distance to evaluate this better. I have re-looked at your post history per this relationship, and the abuse checklist, and based ONLY on what you have posted here, from post one on -- within just the first two weeks of this relationship, even -- I'm finding that more than half of the issues on the list are or have been issues in this relationship. I'm not sure what to say to impress upon you how huge that it, and how difficult that makes it for anyone NOT in denial about this NOT to be very concerned. In a healthy relationship, NONE of these things should be going on. If they have been in your parent's lives, maybe that's yet another reason your mother feels concern. (And bear in mind that for those of us who grow up around any sort of abusive behaviours, we often learn them as our normals, so recognizing them as ABnormal can be really challenging.)
You know she likes him, so sounds to me like you have every reason to trust her motives in picking up on the same red flags all of us are, and wanting to keep your from falling into the exact kind of trap it sure sounds like you've half a foot in already. I'd give her greater experience and greater objectivity more creibility than you are here, and also trust her care is clearly present.
(And one other last thing? Someone of the emotional stability and maturity to be in a healthy realtionship doesn't need love proved to them. They don't. If he can't believe you love him -- especially given all the crud you're putting up with -- again, this is something beyond the ability of a partner to fix. That's counseling-territory.)
P.S. Edwardsville has a YMCA. If your partner is earnestly interested in changing his behaviours and helping himself so he CAN have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else, he can use the YMCA to get connected to (usually free) resources to help him to do that. If he's not willing to even evaluate that situation, take a look, explore the matter?
You're fighting a losing battle, in which it's you who'll lose.
[ 08-16-2006, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hi sweetie. My name is Ashley, and I have been with a guy for 2 years, married for 1. Just an FYI this post will be scattered all over the place, but I will try and make it so you can understand
My husband is abusive, controlling, manipulative... basically everything from that Abusive Partner Checklist. My husband went to a stripclub with his friend before he left in February for Iraq. He went to tip a stripper and she ended up kissing him. When he came home he had lipstick on his cheek. I freaked and told him he was cheating. He just said that he kissed her back because that's what strippers do: they kiss the person that tips them. I considered it cheating at first. But it's NOT cheating. What happened with you in the club isn't cheating. In my eyes cheating is doing anything with someone who is not your boyfriend (i.e kissing, oral, sex, etc) but when a guy puts his hands on your hips? That's not.
Your boyfriend is just paranoid. But my husband has abused me, treated me like a slave and a doormat. I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I'm not saying he does that to you, but it very well might turn out to be that way if you're not careful. I am 19 myself, going on 20 in about 9 days. Yes you are an adult and you can make your own choices, but it is always nice to have an outside perspective. Tell your boyfriend that he shouldn't get mad because your mom wants to talk to him. Just reassure him that she's not going to rat him out, that she just wants to tell him how she feels.
You didn't cheat on him, and if he keeps thinking that, then he will never believe it. I am getting a divorce from my husband because he is just too abusive. I had no control when he was with me, and now that he is deployed to Iraq until next month, I have had A LOT of time to think. I have realized that life is too short. I need to branch out, and spread my wings if you will.
My life was much happier without him in my life, and I am taking the necessary steps to free myself from him. Your relationship just sounds like its hit a rough patch. But if it continues to be like this, your best bet is to just get out. It sounds to me like he does have a slight control problem. This is just my take on things, seeing as how I am in a quite similar situation as you are.
But if you have any other questions, please feel free to let me know. I've been through this and I will help you in any way that I can. But please keep your head up, and don't make excuses for him either. You are your own person, and you can make your own decisions. Don't let a man influence everything in your life
-------------------- Yesterday is history Tomorrow is mystery Today is a gift
posted
The problem, hayspins, is that when a guy shows these warning signs early on, they nearly always escalate as he feels more secure around you, rather than decrease. I've heard stories. (I've lived very near Edwardsville, coincidentally, so based on my experience I think that some cultural elements might be having an influence here -but I dont't think it's necessary to get into that.)
I know you want to help him. You can't. Only he can control his actions. Chances are there's something deeply planted in him, from the way he was raised, that influences how he thinks men have the right to treat women. And letting him act towards you as he does, and continuing to stay with him, /reinforces/ the behavior. Which means he's not going to stop.
Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Thanks for all the replies again. I am planning on doing alot of thinking. I am not exactly sure what iheartdc means about cultural influences near my town.
One thing perhaps I haven't mentioned is that my boyfriend lives 40 minutes away from me. (I am not trying to use this an exuse). He has a very stressful life for him. He is a volunteer firefighter and works 8am to 6pm every day at a place that fixes RV's. He is unhappy with his job. He needs more money(partially cuz he spends it on me and coming to see me). He wants to move out and he has the opportunity but can't figure out how to. He wants to move out of his town and move closer to me becuase he likes this area. His friend just got a job as an EMT in a nearby town and they were planning on moving out together. I am thinking that he has alot of pressures going on.
I know that pressures in a persons life is not a reason to abuse anyone. I am not trying to use that as an excuse. I got him to at least come in and say hi to my parents last night when he came over. He hung out with me and was very nice. I treated him to the movies because normally he allows pays. Then we came back to my house and he hung out with me for a while.
I am hoping that this weekend will be a good weekend for him. He has allows wanted a chance to wrestle in a wrestling ring. He gets to wrestle against some amatuer wrestlers this weekend.
I really love him. I am not going to make this one of the i would love him if statements. He is a great guy who has made mistakes. But he is going to work on them. And if he doesn't I will leave.
My mom and I already discussed that if he physically hurts me, she will force me to leave. And I would leave if he does.
I will try and keep you all posted. And thanks to BillaBaby017 for your insight. It helps to know that people are going through the same thing.
I will keep all your suggestions in mind, and I will make a decision hopefully in the near future.
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Glad to hear it, hayspins. How's he starting to do that work? Did he consider going to the Y and getting resources? Is he starting counseling?
Ashley, for the record, has been a longtime user here, and we had these exact same sorts of discussions with her -- and her responses were an awful lot li e yours -- at the start of her relationship, which would turn out terribly abusive, in which she married anyway, and in which her life was put in terrible danger (as well as the life of her pets) and she's since had to do a LOT of work to get free of that man.
quote:I am not exactly sure what iheartdc means about cultural influences near my town.
What she means is that in some areas, abuse is often more prevalent and/or more tolerated, as a community of people, as a micro-culture, than it is in other places.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
(hayspins, will you allow me to move some of your threads to the new Abusive Relationships forum, where they may help users in a similar or worse situation?)
[ 08-28-2006, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Yes, Miss Lauren, you can move some of them to the other forum.
By the way I have an update on my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other a little less then 6 months. Granted it was rocky, and now its doing much much better. He has not been physically or emotionally abusive in about 2 weeks. Its not a long time, but it is a start. He and I had a very long talk during our last fight. I told him that hitting me and/or calling me names is childish and that I would not stand for it. I asked him what he doesn't like about me right now. He told me some things and I really, they were true. So I am working on them. I told him what bothered me, and he's been working on them as well.
But, not to worry, I am still watching for any of the warning signs to come up again. And if they do I am getting out of it. Thanks for all of your help in these issues.
By the way, if anyone has any ideas for a gift that I can get him for our 6month, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005
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