Its kind of a story, but i'll try to explain it: My boyfriend and i have been going out for almost 11 months. We love eachother very much, but we argue alot. We argue about the littlest things. It's more like fighting. But it's unbalanced. he does all the yelling. He says sorry afterwards and he says he feels bad, but i tell him everytime that his swearing hurts me. i remind him everyday that i have been abused as a child and swearing to a person directly when you are angry is a form of hate. But he gets mad at me over really small things... like i don't remember what my test score was from 3 days ago. and he yells at me and calls me dumb. i know that he has an ager problem, and he knows it too. he sees a therepist about it. but it hurts me so much. not once have i ever accused him, critisized him, yelled at him, or swore at him. He is so sweet when he isn't angry. we are the perfect couple. But i have to walk on eggshells when he is angry so he won't get more mad. it hurts me so much and i try talking to him about it but he gets so angry. I need a healthy way to approach him so we can solve this. i love him so much. i just don't want to feel so hurt. ~Slver
Posts: 39 | From: minnesota | Registered: Jul 2004
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It's not unusual (and I've been there myself way back) for abuse survivors to both be hyper aware of abusive behaviour AND to have huge blind spots with some of it because it feels so normalized.
So, the healthiest thing I can ussggest is for you to make clear he is being abusive and needs to get rid of those patterns and until such time as he really DOES (and that often takes years and years), you need to not be with him to be abused.
There is no rationale for abuse, no behaving well enough so it doesn't happen, no negotiating it or solving it WITH a abuser. There is nothing an abuse victim needs to do to BE abused. This isn't logical stuff. Pretty much every partner of an emotional abuser says the EXACT same thing you're saying: we're perfect when he isn't "mad," he calls me names, he yells, I live on tiptoe, his cannot control his anger, how can *I* fix it? It's textbook, sadly.
So, my two options would be either just leave OR call him out on this and make clear that until, if and when he can unlearn his abusive behaviours, you need to be apart.
I know that sounds intense, but there is so compassionate, fair or responsible way we could ever tell someone to or how to stay in an abusive situation.
I am not sure hoe wo tell him his pattern is abusive. Whne i say that he is he gets really defensive and tries to get me to prove it to him. he starts yelling and says that if he really is abusive to me that i should leave the [car], [house], [room]. And i don't want to leave him i love him. i know at a certain point i should and will if it gets to bad. But i know that we can still fix this right now and i want to figfure out how. once i start to get a backbone he gets angry. He says he forgets how much it hurts me everytime. i don't get it. i'm starting to realize this isn't my fault, but i would still like to help him, or to help myself discuss it with him.
If you can't even address this with him without him getting immediately abuisive, silver, it IS too late for you to try and "fix" it.
Even beyond that, you're not getting that abuse is something a couple fixes together. This isn't YOURS, it's HIS. 100%. It is something only the ABUSIVE partner can fix by themselves because it isn't about you at all. Again, abuse is irrational.
Look: I never like telling people to leave someone, not in six years of giving sex and relationship advice, because I know it is NOT fun and it really stinks, especially in cases like this where you love someone who is NOT ABLE to love you back in a healthy way. But I also have to make sure when I do this work that in no way am I ever giving someone advice I know would harm them, because that'd be totally unforgivable and unethical.
But leaving doesn't suck as much as having your self-esteem and self-worth ground into the carpet to dust over a handful of years, where every year, leaving gets harder and harder to do. Where every single year, the abusive victim says EXACTLY what yoiu did -- "I'll leave when it gets too bad" -- even while she's getting punched in the face, because a seriously sad majority of abused women who say that will never leave, no matter how bad it gets, because the bar just keeps getting raised on what "bad" is.
It doesn't suck as much as having emotional abuse grow into physical abuse, which it usually does. It doesn't suck as much -- once the air has cleared after a breakup -- as all of the stuff you're describing right now. Not even close.
So again, the same advice stands, because there is just no WAY we are going to encourage anyone to be abused and set themselves up to continue to be abused. Sorry.
[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 09-27-2004).]
Hi silver. I agree with Miz Scarlet. No one ever deserves to be treated how you are. You have told him that his actions are hurting and upsetting you, but yet he still denies his actions and gets even angrier with you...for no reason. Hun, you need to get out of this relationship and situation before it gets any worse. I know you love him, but if he's treating you this way, he is NOT worthy of it. Please leave him now...it doesn't sound like anything good will happen if you stay with him.
I agree wholeheartedly with what has already been said. This guy can't even recognise he has a problem. You don't have to prove anything - in a loving relationship, saying you don't like something should be enough for your partner to stop.
My advice would be, If he tells you to leave the [car], [house], [room] because you think he's abusive. Just leave. I used to be in a relationship like that and I too didn't want to leave when he told me to. But after a while, it got to the point where I was killing myself over it and my whole life had gone down the drain over it. So one day I got up and left, and he was in such shock that I had actually left because I thought he was abusive. He got some major help for it afterwards and now we're pretty good friends. It improved my life and I'm not so shakey anymore about being around him. I still wouldn't want to date him though ^__^;;
Posts: 13 | From: CA, USA | Registered: Mar 2004
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