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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Raped (Page 3)

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Author Topic: Raped
Heather
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I think saying exactly what you've said here covers it: it isn't that you don't want to work on things, but that the pace that feels right for you is to take things slowly.

And that is not only 100% valid and okay to do, it's sage: digging too deep too fast, especially when you're just establishing a relationship and a trust with your counselor, tends to be counterproductive per helping with trauma.


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mylilbit6
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Thank you so much!!! I feel more relieved now about my next appointment. I was afraid that saying something like that would make it look like I was coming up with excuses. So thank you. you have helped me once again breathe alittle easier. Just to let you know I had a good weekend and I actually slept saturday night all night which is good for me. Today has been a little tough but I think thats because I have just been worrying a little to much about what other people think. sometimes I get to wrapped up in what others think of me instead of worrying about what I think of me. But you have helped with that one
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Ecofem
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Hi mylilbit6,

I hope your appointment on Thursday goes well. This past week my dad came to visit, which was both strenuous and really nice at the same time. Lately I've been feeling a bit down but I'd say it's more situational right now; I just need to make a little more time for my art, etc. I didn't train for five days in a row and I can feel it, but tomorrow I'll be getting back on track. I realized that as much as I'm trying to save money, I needed to eat more and shower more (this sounds gross but utilities are really expensive here!) because I was tired and low-energy.

As for the medicine, I, too, am wary of Zoloft, etc. I'd prefer to try out pretty much everything else first. But when things get really, really bad I realize I shouldn't be so against it if I could really help. However, I remember reading about a study where regular exercise was as effective as Prosac for treating mild depression. I am especially wary of all medicine that could effect me emotionally: I felt that hormonal birth control made actually made depression worse.

Re: opening up to your counselor: As I've said before (or maybe thought I said in a draft post that I didn't finish...), go with your gut feelings about, well... everything. Because second opinions from other posters, your therapist, etc. are useful, you really do truly know what's comfortable for you.


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Ecofem
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Hi mylilbit6,

I hope your appointment on Thursday goes well. This past week my dad came to visit, which was both strenuous and really nice at the same time. Lately I've been feeling a bit down but I'd say it's more situational right now; I just need to make a little more time for my art, etc. I didn't train for five days in a row and I can feel it, but tomorrow I'll be getting back on track. I realized that as much as I'm trying to save money, I needed to eat more and shower more (this sounds gross but utilities are really expensive here!) because I was tired and low-energy.

As for the medicine, I, too, am wary of Zoloft, etc. I'd prefer to try out pretty much everything else first. But when things get really, really bad I realize I shouldn't be so against it if I could really help. However, I remember reading about a study where regular exercise was as effective as Prosac for treating mild depression. I am especially wary of all medicine that could effect me emotionally: I felt that hormonal birth control made actually made depression worse.

Re: opening up to your counselor: As I've said before (or maybe thought I said in a draft post that I didn't finish...), go with your gut feelings about, well... everything. Because second opinions from other posters, your therapist, etc. are useful, you really do truly know what's comfortable for you.


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mylilbit6
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HI, Just wanted to let you know that my appointment on thursday went just fine. I told my therapist that I am ready to work but we need to go at a slower pace. I am not ready to go into detail about what happened. I also told her that I don't agree with being put on medication. I asked her if we could give it some more time and come back to it later if she still thought it was needed. I also asked her about zoloft and the sleep side effect. She agreed that in my present condition that another medicine if needed would be a better choice. So thank you Miz Scarlet for you help. Also it was good hearing from you again Ecofem. I hope this week is better for you and you start feeling better. I am sorry you are feeling down.
I had a up and down week. I had a couple of good days were I actually slept. I also had a couple of really bad days were I didn't sleep much but I am happy to say that when it got really bad I was able to do something else other than cut!!!!!!!

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Ecofem
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Hi mylilbit6,

I'm really glad to hear that you were able to speak your mind with your therapist, as well as find a positive alternative to cutting.

I'm feeling really good right now. This weekend I participated in a capoeira workship with two guests mestres. The group dynamic was just really positive: A big, seemingly amazing accomplishment for me was managing somehow to overcome a level of exhaustion my body was feeling. (I think the trance-like music helped.)

I kept smiling as I walked home: it's like I forget how happy I can be at times and that I need to try to stay that way as much as possible. (As in not letting the bad days get to me, for example.) Wearing lots of bright colors on cold, dark days seems to help, too. This upcoming weekend I'm traveling to see an old friend whom I haven't seen in awhile, so I'm really excited about that, although I have a lot to do before then.

I also had some real teaching challenges that I was able to successfully overcome and that feeling is very rewarding. I think it's true that the some of the things you enjoy best in life are the things you really have to work for. What do you think? Do you think your bad days, for example, help make you enjoy the good days more sometimes?


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mylilbit6
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Hi Ecofem,
How are you doing? I am so glad to hear that things are going better for you and you are feeling better. I am happy that you are enjoying things a little more. That's always a good thing.

I am not doing quite as well today. yesterday and today have both been really hard days for me. Its so frustrating to me, after having a good week to have two really emotionally hard days. I have had a lot of flash backs in the last two days. I am feeling really really down right now. I am feeling like this whole thing is to hard. I wish sometimes that I was already at the other end of the tunnel instead of at the beginning. But I am not going to give up. I am going to keep pushing forward and try to make it. I also have not gotten any sleep. every time I close my eyes it seems like I dream.
But to answer your questions:

What do you think? Do you think your bad days, for example, help make you enjoy the good days more sometimes?

Yes I would have to agree with you on that one. After having so many bad days I definetly enjoy my good days so much more than I think i would under normal circumstances (whatever they would be) not sure what normal is anymore. I also agree that we do need make an effort to make our days good days, such as wearing bright colors, trying to remember to smile more rather than frown.
It was so good to hear from you again. I am glad we are able to talk. You have helped me so much! so has Miz Scarlet!


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mylilbit6
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Miz Scarlet
Why does it have to be so hard? I am so tempted to give up. I am hurting so much right now. It just seems so unfair that people can do that to us and we are the ones that suffer from it. I didn't ask for it to be done. But now I am paying for it. I just wish I knew what I should do when I feel this way. I mean I want to get through this I want to be a survior but it sometimes seems like it will never happen. I just don't know what to do.

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Heather
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All sorts of people are traumatized and exploited in so many ways, many very terrible. Sadly, and as much as it sucks, more of us will suffer and work through abuse, maltreatment or exploitation than those who will not.

Really, when I get like this, I tend to take a pregmatic approach: what's giving up mean, in toher words? offing oneself? Once I found out what it was like to live through someone I loved doing that, that stopped being an option. Being numb? Having gone there once and discovering that was even MORE scary, that's out. Abusing others back? Nah. Besides, that how most abusers ended up being abusers in the first place.

So, really, I don't thin giving up is an option, because I don't even know what giving up would BE. Anything I can evnision equals LESS of a life of quality and peace than slogging through, you know?

There's always going to be hard days, and they'll nearly always be interspersed with good ones, sometimes really, really good ones. From a Buddhist perspective, what we aim to do when we fee like that is to experience feeling low, let ourselves feel it, accept that we feel that way, without trying to fix it or decrease the pain or distract ourselves with toher forms of pain. That may or may not work for you: what works best for you is part of the process you're in now, discovering that.

Let yourself just hurt if you can: after all, you've spent years trying to put it away or to pretend it wasn't really what it was. You deserve to experience your emotions. If you need a safety net to do that, seek it out.

How are things with your partner, with friends? Who is your in-person support network, and do you feel able to call on them?


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mylilbit6
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My relationship with my husband is actually going better than I thought would. I have put up bounderies like you said I should. We talked a lot about it. He respects those bounderies and no longer pushes for information I am not ready to give him. He has been very supportive. Friends on the other hand....being military and traveling a lot its hard to have in-person friends. especially for me with my trust issues. My best friend lives in Pa which is 12 hours away. We talk on the phone and she listens to me which is good. But I really don't have any one here I can talk to in-person about how I feel. Also just to let you know I am not going to give up!! that's not me. I am going to struggle through this. I am going to make it out of this dark tunnel and be on the other side!!!!!That is one promise I can make you. I am not a quitter. Just feeling really really down right now. I wish I had some to talk to either on the phone or in person that really knows how I feel. My best friend has been great but she doesn't what I am going through and really has nothing to say when I am really down. She is afraid of saying the wrong thing. I guess moving a lot just makes this whole process that much harder for me. I don't really have a big support network.
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mylilbit6
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I am back again.... Sort of. I saw my counseler on thursday and it was a total disaster. I was not having a good day for one actually I have not had a good week. She actually sent me home after about 20 minutes saying that she was letting me out early.... I wonder could my attitude have had anything to do with it. I felt horrible when I got home. I pretty much cried the rest of the day feeling like I was a horrible person who deserves to feel the way I do. But the more I think about I really didn't act bad. I answered her questions but she said it seemed to her like I didn't want to be there. Which wasn't the case I told her I was having a rough week and I just woke up in a bad mood. Her response to that was I control my moods and feelings I choose to be in a bad mood. If that's true If I control them then why can't I choose to just be happy. Why do I feel like crap. Why do i feel like someone elses left over garbage?
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Heather
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...because it's a long process, and you've a lot of obstacles.

Sounds to me like your counselor was probably having a bad day herself: pity if that was the case she didn't share that with you, but it does happen.

I'd disagree with your counselor on this: we don't jus get to pick and choose how we feel, especially when we're addressing serious trauma.


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mylilbit6
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Thanks Miz Scarlet. You are problay right maybe she was having a bad day, and yes it is a long road and sorry for complaining about it. You have been so much help already and I don't mean to sound like I am a complainer. How should I go about talking to her when I see her on Monday? I am not sure if I did something to upset her or If she really was just having a bad day. But I know I felt really bad when I left her office.

[This message has been edited by mylilbit6 (edited 11-19-2005).]


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Heather
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Nothing to be sorry about: I by no means feel obligated to answer every post here, so you can rest assured that when I reply it's because I want to. I don't feel forced or obliged in any way to answer, so you can always safely assume you're not putting me out when you do.

And I'd just say to her what you said here, really.


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Heather
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Nothing to be sorry about: I by no means feel obligated to answer every post here, so you can rest assured that when I reply it's because I want to. I don't feel forced or obliged in any way to answer, so you can always safely assume you're not putting me out when you do.

And I'd just say to her what you said here, really.


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mylilbit6
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Exactly what obstacles do I have infront of me. also you said that I need to allow myself to feel they emotions that go along with all of this... It feels odd to cry or get mad about something that happened so long ago. My counseler actually told me after I told her that I wasn't ready to discuss the details of the rape.... That for the most part she is a realist deals in the here and now. She said yes it was horrible thing that happened to me but its in the past and I have to choose to leave it there. She told me I can't go back and change what happened I just have to live for today. I am thinking about maybe looking for a new counseler? I just don't know what to do. I really don't know what I need to get past this. I mean I know its in the past per say but its not there in the right way. its there because it happened but its still in my life now because I have never taken the time to feel it and deal with it so that I can put it in the right place. But then you also said that it never completely goes away. I am so confused please help me.


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Karybu
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Hey mylilbit. Just something that might be useful to think about in terms of seeing a counselor - not every counselor is a good "match" for every person, and sometimes you have to try a couple before you find one you feel you can get along with and trust. I have never been through anything like what you're dealing with, but I have seen counselors (several) in the past for other issues and I know that a couple of times, for whatever reason, a particular therapist just wasn't the right one for me. If you have to keep looking for a bit to find someone that you're comfortable with, that's totally normal and most definitely worth it. For what it's worth, I think you're doing a fantastic job already getting through this, and you've got a lot to be proud of already. Good luck.
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mylilbit6
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HI Karybu,

Thank you so much for that. I think I might think really hard about changing counselers I don't know at this point if that is what I need. We seemed to get along just fine till this past thursday. I am not sure if it was because I was out of sorts of if maybe like miz scarlet said she was having a bad day.
Just to let you know that what you said actually means a lot its worth a lot especially now when I seem to be questioning my decisions a lot. Thank you so much you have helped me. actually this site has helped me a lot


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mylilbit6
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I had an appointment with my therapist today and it actually went well. So I don't think I will be changing therapist. I think Miz Scarlet you were right. She was having a bad day as well. I told her how I felt when I left her office and she told me that in the future she would be more clear about why she says and does what she does. She I also told her that I didn't agree with what she said about me being in control of my feelings. I told her if that was the point than I wouldn't be feeling the way I do now. She said she didn't quite agree with that. I don't know maybe I do need to look in to a new therapist. Because I really don't agree and I really don't think that i have that much control. if i did i wouldn't need therapy, I wouldn't be a cutter, and the rapes wouldn't affect me the way they do.
Still confused.........

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Heather
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Well, you certainly have control over your actions and what you DO with your feelings.

Sorry not to have replied to the last post, too: I've had a big falling out in my online feminist community that threw me for a loop, so big, weighty issues with anyone were just more than I could handle for a few days there.

Per switching therapists, I'd say to give it a couple more sessions first. You've laid tough groundwork with this one for a little bit now: doing that all over isn't something you'll want to rush into.


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mylilbit6
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Hi am glad to hear from you again and I am so sorry that you have had a falling out I hope everything is ok....


quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Well, you certainly have control over your actions and what you DO with your feelings.

What exactly do you mean when you say what I do with my feelings. I get the action one. I think your right about the therapist I am really not into the whole idea of laying the ground work again with someone new and having to start the whole trust thing over again either. so I will give it a few more sessions and see where it goes from there. Thanks again!!!! I really appreciate all your help you have been absolutely wonderful!


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mylilbit6
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Just thought I would give you an update on how things are going.....not good it has been a difficult couple of days. Right now I am not sure if I am coming or going. I am just so tired and frustrated right now with this whole healing process. Actually its not the process its just I am tired of feeling this way. I will be glad when It doesn't affect me near as bad as it is now.
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Heather
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Go get lost in something good today.

Take your family or just yourself to a big used bookstore, for instance, without a time limit. Go on a long walk together with the plan of finding outdoor objects to start a collection at home. Run down a hill. Stretch for 20 minutes or get to the gym. Cook your favorite meal. Watch a sunset.

In other words, give yourself something vital but easily attainable. Sometimes just breaking the pattern of a bad few days with something small and good can make a really big difference.


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mylilbit6
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Well I took your advice and we all went to a bookstore and spent some time there. I bought a couple of books that I can read. Since reading is something I really enjoy doing. We also took the kids to the park. We just got home from doing that. I am going to make Spaghetti for dinner tomorrow. From scratch....I like cooking and I love spaghetti. Actually just going to the book store and getting something for "me" was nice. The kids enjoyed the park and I enjoyed the fresh air. Its almost 2 but I feel much more relaxed than I did yesterday and not nearly as frustrated as I did. Thanks again
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mylilbit6
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Hi its me... Today has been a sucky day but before that it has been a good week and i had a good weekend. Today is my birthday and my husband forgot. My closest friends even forgot about it. what a bummer. The only ones that remembered were my kids. Which was nice. I even got a nice card from nakwan my oldest. That made my day. I see my therapist on thursday... I am a little nervous but not sure why.
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Ecofem
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

That sucks that your husband and friends forgot, but they've been so supportive in other ways.

Wow, that is really awesome that your kids remembered, especially without any adult reminder!! Just another example of how very much you mean to your kids. And nice for you after doing so much work as a mom without regular thanks...
[Btw, I will be replying longer in the next day or two.]


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mylilbit6
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Thank you Ecofem,

and you are right my friends and husband have been so supportive in everything else i have been going through. He did try to make it up to me. he went out and bought a cake and a card and got me a shirt. so that was nice. I realize that i am lucky i do have a good family. He is supportive where it really matters


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mylilbit6
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Just thought I would give an update as to how I was doing. Actually I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be doing with the holidays around. Still having a lot of nightmares, but my days have not been near as bad. I am not having many flashbacks at the moment and I have decided to go ahead stick with the therapist I have now. Aside from that one session we have gotten along well so far. Also she has respected what I have had to say regarding medicine. She hasn't pushed the issue with that or the fact that I am not ready to go into detail about what happened. I just wish the nightmares would slow down and go away I am pretty tired right now. It seems like I have more nightmares when I am not being triggered as much during the day. When I Don't have flash backs. Any ideas on things I can do to deal with these nightmares and maybe make them slow down?
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Heather
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Well, you might find some help in changing some sleeping habits/talking to your doctor about things which can help you to sleep more peacefully.

Some of those can be really simple, and you may be doing them already: limiting any caffeine to only early in the day, avoiding heavy meals at night, adjusting the light or air circulation levels in your bedroom, using some aromatherapy in a diffuser, etc.


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Heather
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Well, you might find some help in changing some sleeping habits/talking to your doctor about things which can help you to sleep more peacefully.

Some of those can be really simple, and you may be doing them already: limiting any caffeine to only early in the day, avoiding heavy meals at night, adjusting the light or air circulation levels in your bedroom, using some aromatherapy in a diffuser, etc.


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mylilbit6
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Well I have started making changes in my bedtime routine and in the things i do at night. Last night I actually slept all night with a single nightmare. I doubt that it will continue that way i am sure that i will have more dreams but hey I will take them when i get them

[This message has been edited by mylilbit6 (edited 12-08-2005).]


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Heather
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That's great news.

Suffice it to say, it's difficult to handle ANYTHING well when one is sleep-deprived.


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mylilbit6
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I have a question: Do you know anything about DBT therapy and if you do what is your opinion of it? My therapist thinks it might be a good idea for me to help with the SI. I really don't know much about it or what to expect if I did do it
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Heather
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I just looked this up, because I hadn't heard of it.

But from what I can see, it looks like a pretty good approach, a combo of both group therapy and once-a-week one-on-one for dealing with part issues specifically.

But just FYI, this isn't rape-crisis therapy, it's borderline personality disorder therapy. So, it'd be less about the rape, and mrore about your overall. It's behavioural therapy -- about your behaviour, not your traumas -- not trauma crisis counseling, if you get me. But it is apparently speciffically targeted to PTSD patients, which I imagine you're absolutely dealing with.

Here's the most in-depth page on DBT I found: http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm


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mylilbit6
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Well maybe i should stay were am at in rape-crisis-therapy. My biggest fear is if i switch gears I might not want to switch back if you understand what i mean if not let me know i will re-word it. I don't really know if borderline personality disorder really fits me. I know ptsd does. but as far as the SI goes those episodes are few and far between now. its seems like the more calm days i have where i can implememt what i have learned here and with my therapist, the more days i can go with out SI. bpd was diagnosed based of a questionare before I ever started in counseling. I don't know i have feeling that if i can put this in its place and it doesn't have the same power over me things will improve. i don't know if anything i just said makes sense i guess i have just come to another decision and i really don't know what to do.

I just looked up the site you gave me and read more about bpd and well iguess it soes sound like me i tend to get easily stressed about smaller things and it does take longer to come back down

[This message has been edited by mylilbit6 (edited 12-12-2005).]


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