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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Abuse and Rape Survivors (II) (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Abuse and Rape Survivors (II)
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Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Have you been the victim of sexual abuse or rape? If you have, perhaps you need some support. Even if that incident is long past, many of us who are survivors have issues that stay with us that can be really hard to work through.

Talk about them here, leand a hand for someone who needs on, or offer suggestions to heal and keep growing.

(Continued from Abuse and Rape Survivors)

Sarah Liz
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In case you want to read the old thread, there it is.

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this weekend was the most traumatic weekend of my life.

i believe i was raped by a friend of mine. saturday i went to his apartment where we started to drink. i drank too much and ended up going into his room to go to sleep. i woke up and he's trying to have sex with me. i distinctly remember telling him no...but he kept going anyway.

i started screaming and crying and he still wouldnt stop. that image will be burned into my mind forever. i know it was wrong of me to drink..and to go to his apartment, considering i have a boyfriend.

i never intended on him making any sexual advances towards me. i never intended for any of this to happen, but still, i partially blame myself.

i know this only happened on saturday, but i feel like i cant get these images of him on top of me, rolling me over, and raping me out of my head. he didnt use protection...and kept shoving himself into me when there was no lubrication at all. ive called several crisis hotlines..but i am too scared to tell my dad, or my boyfriend. ive gotten checked out and nothing is wrong with me physically besides some bruises, and him tearing me. its just...i feel like throwing up all the time now because i feel so disgusted.

and i cant tell anyone i know because i dont want anyone to find out what happened. i know this sounds cliche' but i feel so ashamed of myself.

i just dont know what to do.

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We have an article, Dealing With Rape, which you might find helpful.

What happened to you was clearly rape and you are not to blame. Going to a friend's apartment is not a crime, and doesn't in any way make you responsible for what happened; nor does getting drunk.

If you've been checked out by a doctor, were you given emergency contraception? It can still be effective up to 100-120 hours after the incident, so if you didn't, you still have time to get it. I know it may be difficult to think about right now, but it may be easier than having to worry about the possibility of pregnancy later on.

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they didnt give me emergency contraception because im on birth control already, and they said that it is unlikely that im pregnant since i take it often, and on time.
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How can I know for sure if I was raped/abused as a child...?

I've had substantial flashbacks, memories, dreams, etc of being abused by my grandfather. But that's it. I can't tell you "On suchandsuch date, thisandthat happened."
What I mostly have are...emotions. Being scared, in pain, screaming. I have a really strong memory of screaming and coughing blood.
I've always been afraid of guys, and with my last boyfriend I was freaky about him touching me, but I got over it.
I thought I was pretty sure that it did happen, but one of my friends who as assaulted got on my case about making up stuff, and that I wouldn't have "vague memories". But what I DO remember is most certainly not vague!!



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i know what you mean. i always have little flashbacks, dreams, and vague memories of someone, i think it may be my dad, doing sexual stuff to me.

plus, not only am i very shy and a bit scared of guys, sometimes when my boyfriend touches me a certain way, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. true, now that we've been together for a year a lot of those things dont bug me anymore, certain things irritate me and make me have these little flashbacks.

how can i remember or find out if anything really happened or if im just imagining it?

[This message has been edited by crustpunk (edited 10-20-2003).]

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i'm not really sure where to start... but here i go.

i've always had a very unhealthy attitude towards sex and general sexuality... i developed early, and was really horribley sexually harrassed starting from a very young age, and even got felt up and groped a couple of times by older men in crowded public places (just how screwed up is our society anyway??)... i was completely petrified at even the thought of someone finding me sexually attractive, much less at the thought of them touching me, and i avoided any situation where i might even be kissed by someone until i was 15 and very drunk at a party... then the next schoolyear i did date a boy for a couple of months, but was so scared of doing anything beyond kissing him that i would go to great lengths to avoid being alone with him, and the one time i was i insisted that i needed to keep on my huge winter coat inside of his well-heated house. eventually i just had to break up with him because i was too repulsed by the idea of sexual contact.

i did not date or kiss another guy until the summer (i was 16), when after a strangely surreal series of events i ended up dating a 25 year old man... who was an amazing person, he really was.... and i did the same thing with him, avoiding situations, but then he was leaving the country and ended up pressuring me into going much much further with him the last day i saw him, even tho i didn't want to... the entire time he was begging me to have sex with him and was saying extremely vulgar and explicit things... i was on the brink of tears, and i did make it very clear that i did not want to be doing any of it, but i still never actually said the word 'no', and so i never thought of it as any kind of assault or abuse, despite the subsequent feelings of disgust and shame. i didn't see him or speak to him again for two years, but i couldn't forget about him and what happened.

after another really negative, pressured, sexual experience (this time when i was very very drunk and the boy was stone cold sober), i completely shut off sexually, and it was not until the next summer when i met the boy who seriously is my saving grace that i could at all be touched again. but even with him, things at times were scary for me and i still felt really dirty a lot of the time, and never told him about any of this.

when i did see the older guy again, just this past march, i made a series of really really stupid decisions in one night. he had a party at his house, i got really drunk, he convinced me to sit on his bed and tell him a bedtime story, and i did, and then we ended up making out (i was under-the-influence and he is very charming), but when i realized what was going on i asked him to stop, but he wouldn't, and he was moving his hands all over my body and was touching me and was very rough with me (i had a couple of bruises the next day) and actually pinned me down on the bed. the whole time i was asking to stop and saying no, and he was actually laughing at me and saying all kinds of really disgusting things. finally, when i got sufficiently scared because i realized i couldn't move my arms, he had them pinned down, i started shouting, at which point he actually stopped and pushed me off of the bed really really hard and started swearing at me and saying it was all my fault. i feel really stupid for having trusted him a second time, for having let him hurt me again... and maybe that is why it was so difficult for me to really admit to myself what had happened. i still haven't confronted him, and now that he is gone again i don't have that opportunity. even if he was still around, i'm ashamed to say it, but i know i would probably still hang out with him and he would probably try to do it again... but he's one of the best friends i've ever had and despite all of the negative things he contributed to my life, i still owe a good portion of who i am to him. maybe that's another reason why i feel so guilty about the whole thing.

now i am planning to go visit my kind-of-boyfriend (the one from the other summer) who lives in california soon. this second 'event' (i don't really know what to call it.... i know it was attempted rape) happened after the last time i saw him and i never told him about it, but i know i need to because since then i've even stopped hanging out with a bunch of my really close friends just because they're guys and i felt nervous and uncomfortable. i want to be over this, i want to be able to be ok because i recognize the problem, and i'm much better than i was a couple months ago (crying pretty much everyday, having nightmares all the time, really not being able to be touched by ANYBODY) but i still get horrible pangs of depression and anxiety over this at least a few days a week, and recently i have had a couple of nightmares again... i kind of talked to a couple of people about it, but only in the most vague terms, and it hasn't really seemed to help... i guess i should seek counseling, but in the meantime i'm trying to find a way to bring this up with my boyfriend... i don't want to get to california and suddenly get scared when we're kissing and freak out or something.... i'm really worried about this.... and i know he needs to know but i also don't want his perception of me to change, as it was a series of stupid decisions that led me to that point... i know he loves me, but i'm still scared, and i trust him but it's still so hard to even just broach the subject. please help!! i just want to not feel so dirty all the time and for everything to be ok, because it never really has been.

**sorry this post is so long -- i've just had so much to get off my chest.... thank you so much for this forum!

[This message has been edited by PebblePerson (edited 10-21-2003).]

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I have never been raped before, so I don't understand why it is such a traumatic experience. I know it must be very, very scary...but I know someone who can't even sleep because they were raped. Why is it?

Anyway, I think ya'll are very strong people, and I'm sorry it happened to you!

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paradijs, this thread is for people who have suffered rape or sexual abuse, not those who are simply curious about it. Posting a question that's basically asking someone to validate their feelings has no place here, so please stay out of this thread and take your queries elsewhere.

Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

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ya i was sexually abused and feeling like the guy actually raped me because for the last three years i have had very vivid flashbacks to when he abused me and now that our relationship is over he acts like he isn't doing anything wrong or even hasn't. i know im very cofusing but here's the other thing about that. he goes to my church and he's my next door neighbor.
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This is my first time posting here, and I'm 27 years old. First off, I would like to give props to the lovely Miz Scarlet for your bravery and courage for not only sharing your story of the bad situations you've been in, but also being on the rough-as-hell road to recovery, and helping others as well. Sadly, I've known women in that situation:-(! Because of this, and a few close calls (thank heavens:-)!, I'm taking a self-defense class so I can thug out if I have to! It's called R(ape) A(ggression) D(efense). Also, shout-outs to the survivors of sexual abuse to come on this forum to share your stories and getting on the road to recovery as well. However, as I was reading the first part of the thread, I noticed a dude who posted here who said:

"...I'm so very sorry about what's happened to all of you, i just want to kill all the people who took advantage of you.

p.s. For my sake, please:
Don't go outside late by yourself.
Don't get drunk with a lot of guys, whether or not you know them.
Don't get into a stranger's car.
You can say it's a matter of freedom, but i'm free to walk into a minefield if i want. Take doesn't make you violent (that's up to you). The worst thing that learning to hurt people has done to me is make me feel powerless when thinking about how to track down the abusers of several women strong enough to share their experiences."

StrayDog, you may have meant well and trying to help, however, your attitude seems like it's coming from a place of being self-serving, self-righteous, and kind of flippant at some point. What do you mean "...for my sake..."?! I have absolutely no problems talking about the responsibility that women have to protect themselves. NONE. But why do you have to use the issue of responsibility to bypass the responsibility that men and boys have? Responsibilities such as being careful with substances (i.e. alcohol, etc.), not owning another person's body, and being in touch with where they are emotionally and psychologically, such as why would they need to engage in a sexual activity with someone who is unconcious, tricking her to isolate her, and the like? I know it's poor judgement in safety to use substances with people you don't know, overdo it and get in a stranger's car, etc., but for God's sakes, I'm getting a long ways, hella-tired of this B.S. ploy as a manner to avoid the perpetrator's responsibility, self-rightousness and self-serving hidden behind "caring"-(! I know some of you must be tired of my long-winded the rest of the people of the board, I'm so sorry to waste your time, but I had to get this off my chest! It pissed me off big time! Thank you, Miz Scarlet and Company, and to the survivors on this board and keep up the good work:-)!

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[This message has been edited by nix (edited 01-03-2004).]

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Gumdrop Girl
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nix, talking about rape can be pretty unsettling for a lot of people. your friend probably go weirded out because well, that's a pretty awful thing to have happen to a friend, and some people can't deal with it. that doesn't mean you should stop talking about it, especially when you need to find closure and get help.

If you want to talk things through, i strongly suggest you find a qualified counselor who can handle difficult topics like rape and abuse. your school guidance counselor should be able to provide you with a referral to a good therapist. that way, you can work through your past hurt and problems with someone who really can give you the help you need.

good luck with that. and for further info, you may wanna check out Crisis Resources

You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
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(edited for reasons of personal privacy, sorry)

[This message has been edited by nico (edited 03-09-2004).]

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I think I'm losing my mind…but this is how it happened .Ever and me were at my house home alone. Well when he came we started to watch a movie…as we cuddled he started to kiss me and stuff I was fine with that but then he started to lift my skirt. I told him I wasn’t in the mood…he said your never in the mood anymore…I told him cause of the last 2 time we did it something happened to my arousal...I'm still not sure what happened to it but it wasn’t there…and I told him that at first he was like ok and he stopped but five minutes later… he started up again… it started to really really really bother me so I got up and sat some where else or at least tried too.

He grabbed me and said plz I want to really bad. Mentally I wanted to too but …but not physically. It was weird to me. So I said I guess going with my mind and not my body. So we started to kiss and fondle or what I like to call touchy feely. (Lol) We started to take off our clothes but I didn’t all the way. (Leaving on my skirt, panties, and bra) I said no can’t do it. Well the he grabbed me again and started to touch me and he said why It might be good for US that word US how is it going to be good for US if I didn’t want it??? Well then he grabbed me and laid me on the long couch where we were sitting. And took off my panties lifted up my skirt and forced it in me…with out protection and I tried hitting him and telling him to stop but it was like hitting and talking to a brick wall…he juss wouldn’t stop…Then he did stop and literally put me in a different position so I couldn’t hit him. It hurt so bad I started to bleed…a lot … and I cried cried cried while he did it and I even screamed so my neighbors could here but it didn’t help not one little bit. And he kept on going and I got to hit him once in the position I was in…
Then this is when it really started to happen. He covered my mouth and told me to shut the F*** up…and bit his hand so he let go… I got one of my hands free so I tried to hit him again but I couldn’t. He grabbed my hand and kept going … and I yelled and screamed some more but the more I screamed the harder he put it in me. So I stopped screaming. Then I stopped feeling it all together. He came twice while he was in me.

After he was done…I hate the way that sounds…He told me he loved me, he was sorry he had to do it, kissed me and left…so about five minutes later. Got up ran to my bathroom and took a bath. I got all the dirt and blood off but I was still dirty inside. So I after I washed I tried to get the bloodstain off the couch but. I couldn’t…so I cried for like 3 hours off and on. He keeps calling me and say I'm sorry and why he did it and all this stuff…even after I broke up with him BUT for some reasons I don’t want to let him go… we have been going out since 4th or 5th grade and that was like 7 or 6 years ago he have been off and on… and there no signs he has cheated…and I love him. I think that’s why I don’t want and can’t let him go in my mind anyways…but after what happened I juss don’t know…and I was wondering about it…

This happened awhile ago this month

Puerto Rican O.o o.O always spaced out 0.o o.0 Puerto Rican Donde esta corazon??

[This message has been edited by EversBoo15 (edited 02-21-2004).]

Posts: 116 | From: Va,Usa | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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As plainly as I can: this person has RAPED you. Quite violently.

Even CONSIDERING staying with them in ANY capacity is self-destructive, dangerous and beyond unhealthy.

So again, plainly: get away. NOW. For good. And seriously considering contacting the police and filing a report, both for the future protection of others AND for yourself. When you do that, they can also connect you with sexual assault support and counseling services which you need.

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I don't think i have ever posted on this message board and I think i should have....

I have a VERY important question....

What is RAPE? Like, what counts as rape and what doesn't? Does rape include oral sex acts?

I think i am loosing my mind here and I really need help.

Someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE respond to my questions!!!!!!!!!!

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I am a rape victim and I am working through some things.

But, uh, I am really REALLY in need of some help. I have a burning question!

What is RAPE? like, what acts qualify as rape? what counts and what does not? where is the line? Is oral sex counted as possible RAPE? Define Rape.

Someone PLEASE PLEASE answer my questions!!!

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Any sexual acts which you do not consent to can be considered rape/sexual assault. If you say no to something, including oral sex/manual sex/dry sex, and the person continues to do so anyway, it is rape/sexual assault.
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I feel like throwing up. I feel like crying. I feel like huddling in a corner and staring blankly at the wall for hours. I just got another flash back yesterday night.

I was molested by my father when I was in pre-school. What kind of screwed up person would do that to their daughter?! I didn't know what molestation was, but I knew I was scared to death of my father, and how he looked, how he touched me, and the things he would say to me. The most vivid memory of being scared is seeing my father come towards me with that face he always had...that horrible face... and I screamed and slammed the door before he got to my room.

And my mother asked me what was the matter. I can't believe her! She would be there, sitting right next to me on my parents bed while he touched me. When he would make me lie down next to him at night so he could touch me. She wouldn't do anything! She would tell me he was "a very affectionate father, and he doesn't do it with bad intentions".
Another memory. Of course, when you're little and uneducated about the subject, you don't know anything about the opposite sex's anatomy. Once, I touched my father's penis without knowing what that would do... he told me "don't touch me there", but didn't do anything to stop me. He didn't move me. He didn't do anything when I did it again. It was my mother who told me to stop when she found us...that is so sick now that I think of it...

I never used to have flash backs because I never really understood what was happening, mostly because of my mother. She would never let me say it was molestation. She told me that wasn't true. But then I asked her, later on in life, what was it?! He touched me in private places without my consent and I was scared of him. What does that sound like to you?! I'm sure a normal father doesn't go around feeling their 4 year old daughter's breasts because he's "affectionate", or her vulva because he "wants to see how she's developing" when he's not even a doctor... Sometimes I would be taking a shower and he would open the shower door just to look at me. When I had had enough of it all, I told him to stop...and he said "why do you want me to stop?! You're such a little bitch, what do you want, for me to hit you?! You should consider yourself lucky you have a father that cares about you so much". He never even noticed I was uncomfortable with it! He stopped looking at me when I was naked when I got my first period, and he said he noticed because "I never cared if he saw me naked before that night". When I told him I always did, he said "oh, yea right".

I told my school counsellor about it once, and she immediately said it was molestation and called my mother in. My mother said that that was not the case, again, that he was just very lovy dovy. And she told me never to tell anyone about it again because "they might get the wrong idea"... I've only ever told one other person about it because she's gone through the same thing with her grandfather. I can't even have a good cry about it when I'm alone because my mother will hear and rush in and ask me what's wrong... I feel so trapped.

My mother is so submissive... the things she would let happen so my father wouldn't get mad! When I was a baby, she would consent to having sex with him when he was wasted because if she didn't, he would wake me up with his yelling. She was practically raped.

He stopped touching me when I was around 7, but for the longest time, I couldn't bear to be touched by anyone. Not even myself. I never even masturbated before my boyfriend came along and calmed me down. I still can't stand to be touched by my father. For a while, when I was 9 or so, I didn't feel I even smiled naturally. Maybe it was all becuase of that and the constant flow of insulsts I would get. We don't live with him anymore as of last march... but memories of him still affect me as if they happened yesterday.

[This message has been edited by Nailo (edited 01-03-2006).]

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Wow... after reading this thread, I realize that I'm really not alone. Even with the people I love being so supportive, it can sometimes feel like I'm the only one that's been through this and that there's no hope at all for me ever being me again.

Last year, my boyfriend and I had been together two months... we had had sex a few times, and I had been pretty permissive of him as far as indulging his tastes. He was always a little high-strung, but he'd never been violent before. He asked me if he could come in me without a condom, and I said no way. He flipped out, got really angry... I felt so low for it at the time, even if I knew I was right, and I tried to talk him down, tried to make him happy with me again. He just got more and more angry with me until he pushed me against the wall and hit me. I blacked out and when I woke up, he was stripping me. I tried to scream or fight back or get up, but the back of my head was bleeding from where it hit the wall and every time I moved my head I came close to blacking out again, so I didn't get very far. He raped me and I'll never forget the feeling of being basically torn open because he didn't use lube or anything while I just lay there totally unable to do anything to stop him, just totally impotent. After he came, he zipped up and put me in his bedroom. He told me I was gonna stay there until I could walk and then I'd better get out and forget what happened and not tell anyone or I'd really get it. Then he just left. I don't really know how long I was in there because I kept on losing consciousness, but it was a good twelve hours at least. When I really fully woke up, he was actually asleep next to me and I almost passed out again on seeing him. I stumbled downstairs to a friend's apartment that I had the key to, but she was away for the week and I was too scared and hurt and confused to go out again so I crawled into her bed and fell asleep again. By the next day, I kept awake long enough to call an ambulance. I had a serious concussion and a broken nose. I was given Plan B, but by now it was almost 48 hours after the rape and I was apparently ovulating at the time... I found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant, and I ended up getting an abortion, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm strongly pro-choice, but the abortion was still a traumatic thing for me, but I don't feel like I had much of a choice. I was 16 at the time, without even a driver's liscence.

Now, afer extensive counseling, I feel like I'm much more able to function on a day-to-day basis without being frightened, and I actually find myself becoming involved in things like school and my artwork with pleasure. But I'm still having some trouble with sex... when I do get depressed, I tend to put myself in to some really bad sexual situations that aren't necassarily abusive, but aren't exactly nurturing. I'm a month into a relationship with a guy who I hope is as understanding about this as he appears to be, and who has been extremely kind to me... unfortunately, a condom broke on us at the beginning of last month and I've been on edge ever since, scared to death of getting pregnant again. I'm probably ok, because this time I got to EC in time, but I don't know. This time it was a high dose of birth control, not Plan B, and I'm not reacting well... Anyway, despite the problems I'm having, I feel like I'm incredibly supported by most of the people in my life right now, and that helps so much more than anything else could. Even when I'm having really bad days where I'm shaky and nervous all the time, I always have someone I can rely on to be there for me until it passes and not be driven off by how crazy I can get sometimes. All I have to say to everyone here is that if there is anyone, mother, sister, friend, psychotherapist, anyone, who is willing to sit with you and let you talk about whatever's in your head, then you already have the best tool for recovery you could ask for.

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I have a close male friend who I nearly ended up dating two years ago, although it didn't work out and we decided friendship was the better option.

We had been firm friends until about four months ago.
Just over seven months before my friend admitted he had sexual feelings for me and often fantasised about me. I was quite uncomfortable with this, and politely told him that it was flattering but I didn't feel the same. A few months passed and we kind of drifted apart, I think he hoped me to return his feelings and was a little embarrassed when I didn't, I admit I was uncomfortable as I felt our friendship had changed...I missed him, but I missed the past more.

I went to a party in a group of him and friends and really let my hair down having a few drinks, I thought about the fantastic evening before settling down in a spare bed upstairs I was allowed to crash in.

I dozily woke up as I felt someone climb under the covers, but quickly drifted off when I realised it was my male friend. I didn't think anything of it as I trusted him and we had shared beds in the past, he was my friend and I was comfortable with him. I admit the alcohol clouded me a little.

A little while later I woke up with a shot, only to find my hand was in my friend's boxers and his fingers were inside me. I jerked back in shock and he quickly withdrew his hand from my panties. I stared at him in shock and horror as he calmly left the room..his head down...avoiding eye contact.

I just sat there crying until I fell asleep again.

We haven't spoken since and I've been ashamed to tell anyone. My friends all ask why I don't see him anymore as we were so close...but I just tell them we drifted apart. Its been left too long to speak out, and I know that if I tell anyone then the police will get involved...I think it will just be a case of the drunk girl got felt up and regretted it so she tried to pass it off as rape.

The incident has never affected my sexual experiences and I don't feel traumatised, just angry. I wish I had been more careful, but I don't blame myself. I will just be more careful in future. But I believe I'm stronger.

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I'm still in an abusive relationship as I type this. My first serious boyfriend abused me, had his friends hurt me, spread rumors, everything. Any kind of abuse that's out there, he did it. And my husband is doing the same thing as well. I'm in counseling and he's currently on his way to Iraq in the next week or so. My stepbrother and his friend sexually harassed me, my "friend" raped me, and the list goes on and on. I know exactly what's going on, what everyone's going through, how you feel etc. It's not easy being in this situation, nor is it easy trying to get out of it. Counseling helps, so does writing it down in a notebook. Write down how you feel.. It'll get easier

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift


[This message has been edited by BiLLaBaBy017 (edited 01-24-2006).]

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(Ashley, I'm really sorry to use this thread and the other for this but a spouse or partner beating you repeatedly and hanging your dogs from the garage to beat them is nothing counseling or journaling is going to fix, not until you first get OUT of that relationship and environment. ALL of the staff here have been greatly worried about you, especially since the last time you posted actively was asking for help with this when in fear for your life, and then we did not hear from you at all until now, when you're posting as if none of that occurred or was any big deal. Last we heard, you had very serious worries for your safety, a legal system that was purportedly making things even more dangerous for you, etc.

I'm not about to tell you not to post about other things here, but it worries me a lot that you are, that you continue to downplay this, especially given your partner now has a history of years of escalating abuse, which you have posted here from the get-go, and ignored productive advice about how to get out of that when we've given it. In case it is not already very painfully obvious, this will NOT stop with your partner. He had counseling you felt -- despite our educated advice and statistical evidence to the contrary -- would fix things, and then the abuse only got much, much worse. Point is, we're glad to see you here and know you are okay, but it is a very grave concern that all your energy right now is not going towards securing your own safety and getting OUT of your abusive situation.)

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I am a rape survivor. I battle this every day. 5 years later, I have nightmares of that night, I have to have pillows around me when I sleep, I cannot sleep in a strange place, I have to lay onm y back or on my side in a position to where I can have a complete view of the entire room, the door has to be wide open, my bathroom door has to be closed ( only one entrance to my room) and ABSOLUTELY NO WINDOWS! I have a room in my basement without windows! I can't walk down the street by myself, especially not in the dark. This has changed my life completely . . but it is getting easier. This site has helped me A LOT!! Before I came here, I had never even SAID the word rape, I couldn't talk about it, I kept everything inside. It ate at me for this past 5 years. Thanks to those who helped me on here, and talked to me, and LISTENED, I am a small step closer to recovery. I know that I will always be damaged by this, and It will always be part of me, but there is hope now! So those of you who are struggling with this as I am, keep your head up! It will get easier! and GOOD LUCK!!
Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Nailo, it is difficult for me to even imagine what your life must have been like from what you wrote. I was a victim of child molestation myself from a next-door neighbor, and my parents were submissive, told me not to talk about it, made excuses for the man, etc. So I know a bit of what you're going through. However, I can't even imagine what it must be like to remember you father doing such dreadful things to you. The man who was supposed to protect and love you. I'm disgusted and hurt for you. Please don't suffer alone. Don't feel guilty for anything he did to you, and don't suffer alone. I hope your life away from that monster will provide you some time to heal. I know that I probably don't say the exact right things, but I was touched by your story. My good wishes to you, darlin.
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Thank you, Ms. Lauren . It's nice to know that people care about what has happened to me, even if they don't know me. Its incredible...I just found out that asides from me, 3 other friends of mine were molested when they were little. My psychologist told me this was actually very common. This has to stop!!

Your interest made me feel better, really . Just to update, I told my psychologist about it. She said she already expected me to say something like this. She asked my permission to tell my mother, and I granted it. She told her, and now I can finally cry at home. I feel somewhat better now. Although she's still a little off, if she sees me crying she still asks me "why are you crying?" and I said "the same thing as always", and she answered "what's that?". She said she never noticed that my father molested me...even if she was right there next to me. I don't know whether to believe her, I find it really hard to believe that she didn't notice... Then again, she was doing pot at the time, her mind wasn't as keen as it could have been. She started crying like I've never seen her cry in my life. But I think its better this way, because I know that if I didn't get this out, I would end up resenting my mother just as much as I resent my father.

Speak of the devil, I told my mother that I don't want to see him again, at least not for the time being. I'm not strong enough to face him yet. She said she'd take care of it, but I'm really nervous. What if he throws a fit and makes my life more miserable? Then again, like my boyfriend said, "he can throw whatever tantrums he likes and park himself in front of your house for hours, but that's what doors and the police are for." I told my boyfriend too, because it was begining to affect us. I was getting flashbacks at random moments, crying at any moment, and he couldn't even touch me anymore without me getting a bad reaction. I felt he had the right to know. I told him, and he almost started crying with me, and said he didn't "just want to kill him". And I, as harsh as it sounds, didn't protest to that. Of course, we're not going to murder him, though sometimes we feel like it. Hopefully, with the counselling and my boyfriend's support, I'll get better.

After telling him I felt a lot better. But I still get very weak very often. I still have the scars of when I dug my nails into my arm last friday (its wednesday). For some reason, I end up being really critical of myself, and I feel utterly useless. I want to stop this self harm before it gets worse...I'm working on it. Have you ever heard the song "Flinch" by Alanis Morissette? That's how I feel right now. "Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name...". Who knows...maybe one day I'll be able to hear his voice again without getting tense...

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I'm glad that you found the courage to tell support sources, Nailo. That's a massive step, and I'm proud of you! More than anything, I'm so happy your mother found out (or rather, came to terms with) what had happened to you and faced up to it. I know what it can feel like to think your mother simply can't understand that somebody.. hurt.. you!

Keep me and all of us posted on your success. It lightens my heart to see you making progress. Much love!

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I feel inspired by reading this thread. You all are amazing for getting through this and sharing your story. Luckily, I feel that I am "over this" enough to post my full story. It might be a long read.

It happened when I was 7 or 8, I'm not sure which. We always played with the young boy next door. His family was involved in very curious things, like randomly lugging in expensive steros into their house and torturing their animals. The boy had a crippled father who didn't speak English, but would sit on a stool and watch all of us play. He would often smile and hold out a new batch of kittens in a box, which I'd delight in and pet.

It happened one day that my dad had us send some leftovers from a barbecue to these neighbors.. I don't know, it's hard to remember what happened before the fact. My two sisters had gone inside their house to take it in, while I stooped over near the open garage to pet one of the cats. Then I saw out of the corner of my eye the boy's father, who limped on his crutches to a corner and said in broken english that the kittens were finally old enough to come out of the box, and to come see.

I stepped into the garage, searching for the box, but looked inside and saw nothing. Just then, the man forced me against the wooden shelf, throwing aside his crutches. He seemed to stand and walk alright without them at that moment. He reached his hand underneath my shirt and squeezed my newly developing breasts, so forcefully that I cried out and tried to flinch away. He shoved me again against the shelf and kissed me. He stank of tequila and cheap cologne.. it was disgusting and terrifying beyond words. He reached into my shorts and caressed my private area, and looked at me. I avoid his gaze.. I was so confused and scared, I had no idea what he was doing to me and why. All I remember was feeling so scared. So scared that I.. and I don't know why.. sort of tried to smile and pretend I liked it for some reason, as if not to make him angry and want to hurt me worse. He tinkered with his belt, and I took the opportunity to knock him over, and I ran to my house crying and shaking like I never had before.

I got inside and my dad was the only one home, and he immediately knew something was terribly wrong. He shook me and demanded to know what happened, but I didn't even know what HAD happened. Barely able to speak, I told him that the boy's father had squeezed my chest and kissed me. Even more confusing, the hurt, devestated look on my father's face turned to fury. He took off his belt and hit my bottom with it, yelling "Who told you you could go into the house without permission?!"

He quickly apologized after the incident, but the damage was already done. He made me come back outside with him, and went to the boy's father, and asked, voice trembling "Did you touch my daughter?" To which the man replied "No, I only showed her the kittens." He then told me to go back into the house, where he said something to the man that I couldn't hear. I went into the bathroom, cried, and threw up.

I was on my swing depressed when my mother came home from work. My dad had apparently told her what happened. She hugged me close, and I cried harder than I ever have. I asked her what happened..

"They are bad people. In Mexico, they're immoral. That's the way they were raised and still act. He didn't know any better. There's no need to tell anybody, okay? I'm here if you need to talk to me, and daddy took care of it."

Unfortunately, I am still trying to get over my prejudice towards people from Mexico, with good success. I have since then defied my parents by being open about it. Nobody should be condemned to silence or ashamed. Child molestation is a crime punishable by I don't even know what justice... it just makes me hope there is some sort of natural justice by a higher power, as no man-made punishment could cause as much suffering.

Thank you for reading this. All of you ladies, keep strong. Keep talking. Let nobody shame you, let nobody quiet you. Much love and care to you all.

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i am aslo a victim of sexual asult. i have struggled formore than ten years to forget what happened and moving out of the town where i grew up has helped a little. when i was around 9 years old my fathers girlfriens was living with us. she had an uncle known around town as a child molester watch me while she went to the store, while she was gone he put his hands under my shirt and felt my breasts he also touched me dowm there. i told him to stop and he told me to be a good girl. all i rember from him is the smell of chewing tabacco. if i smell it today i get very sick to my stomache and trow up. even writeing these words down makes my hands shake. as a result i had backed away from any affection from guys for a long time. but soon i felt a little better and just decied to forget. time passed as it most often does and i began to develop int a young woman. around the age of 12 or 13 it was another night mare i felt as if the fates were out to get me . my sister and i were waling home frim the swimmimg pool on a sunny afternoon and i deceded to go into a wooded aera near our public park . i soon was deep into a trail i had walked many times before when all of a sudden i noticed one of my sisters friends had followed me. he was older than i was around 16 or 17 he talked to me a little while and soon i relaxed around him(i take awile to relax around anyone) well finaliy it was kind of late and i said i had to go home then he wouldnt let me leave. he pushed me down to the gornd and tried to take off my bathing suit. he said the words that are burned forever in my brain have you ever seen a mans d!@k before i was terrified out of my mind i began to cry and when he didnt stop trying to pull over my bathing suit i just closed my eyes and prayed to god for someone to help me i closed my legs as tight as i could but i felt him pressing down there anyways. he never got all the way in but it sure hurt anyway. afer he decied i wasnt worth the effort he got up and left me crying in the dirt. he said i didnt rape you and left. the worse part of the story is when i got home i told my stepmother who said it was all my fault for going out into the woods alone. i have never told my father it would kill him. and to add insult to injury he comes around my dads shops and just last year he says to me its too bad we never talked anymore after what happened in the woods . i hate him! i wish it would all go away the memories the fear that rules my life i cant go outside in the dark i cant sleep at all some nights and wjen i do they (both of them ) are there. i talked to my husband a little about this but mostly kepit to my self.i am glad to have found that there are others out there that feel the way i do thank you
Posts: 6 | From: spotswood,new jersey,us | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silent 2006
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As I sit here and read all of these threads I cant help but wish I would have seen this page earlier. I have been struggling greatly lately with flashbacks and fears from an earlier "rape/abuse". I am not quite sure which one it was. I remember almost all if it.

I was 11 or 12 that summer, somewhere between 5th and 6th grade. My parents had allowed my cousin to stay in the house becuase he was learning to farm. At night I could here his footsteps coming down the stairs and I would dread it every time. He would walk into the bathroom next to my room and turn on the light. The next thing I know he is next to my bed, throwing up my nightgown, and pulling down my underwear. He started touching all over. I just layed there. Pretending as if I was asleep as if it would somehow magically go away or I would wake up from a nightmare. But I never did. HE would touch me down there and all over. I remember just thinking "I am a doll" , "don't move". But why didn't I move, or scream or somthing. I dreaded his time with us that summer. As fall approached we had sex class at school. Some how I was exteremely scared of getting pregnant or getting an STD. I asked my best friend if you could get an STD if you didn't want to have sex. She told the person who was doing the presentation(for wich to this day i am extremely greatful). The presenter caught me after school and tried to get me to talk but I had to catch my bus. He told me that he would call my parents in three days, so if I didn't tell them he would. I went home that night and thought and thought and thought. I finally realized that I had to tell my parents or else. So at ten o'clock way past my bedtime. I went upstairs and told my partents to turn of the tv. I told them enough. It took me almost 2 hours to convince them I was telling them the truth. Then they called my aunt and they woke him up. He actually confesseed. I couldn't believe it. So I ended up going to counceling. BUt only for three times. I remember screaming and crying myself to sleep night after night. AFter the third counseling session my parents told me never to tell any one ever. And so I didn't. But I wanted to. I wanted someone to talk to. I needed someone who new what I was feeling. Who could I tell that I was scared of the dark. OR the shadows that learked behind. Who could I tell that I was scared of my dad who did absolutely nothing to me. Who could I tell that I had an irrational fear of mens penises jumping out of thier pants. I couldn't tell anyone. I was trapped with my own secret. I could tell that even my parents wanted nothing to do with it ever again. Then ten years later and in college I lost it. I made some good friends and being in the same room as a boy scared me out of my witts. I had a couple of other experiences that cause flash backs and I finally broke and told my best friend. I cried and cried and cried. THen just a year ago I started dating a wonderful man. He is sweet and gentle and completely understanding. I told him that I was sexually abused almost 3 months into the relationship. It killed me to see how much that hurt him. BUt it was obvious he still loves me. We have been though some tough times and as our relationship gets more serious my flashbacks get more serious. So I started seing a counselor. Getting all of that out threw me in a deppression greater that I knew was capable. So she sent me to a psychologist and I am now on medication. I am doing better but the memory still haunts me. Will it ever go away? or am I doomed to deal with flashbacks all though married life?

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Chances are really good that no...the older you get, the more time that passes, the more you heal, the flashbacks will happen less and less often in your life, to the point that you'll get to know the few things that do trigger you, and be able to avoid them pretty handily.

I'm 36 years old now, and I was sexually assaulted around the same age you were, as well as abused at that time. At this point, if I have any sort of flashback even more than once a year, it's a rarity.

Hang in there, silent. Things do get better.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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So I've never really had a real discussion about what happened to me. And I never actually thought I would. But the more I've thought about it recently, the more I've decided that I NEED to talk about it. I NEED to practice talking about it more. It's so hard for me now in my relationship. Andrew knows, sorta, what happened. I've hinted at things, made small comments, made "strange" requests, etc. So he knows that I'm not a normal girl with a normal past, but I think it's time for me to feel okay about explaining my past.

I was in an abusive (emotional, physical, sometimes sexual) for 17 months. It ended three and a half years ago, and here I am, finally talking about it. The last week of our relationship, he was starting to become even more mean than he'd been before. So, I decided that the best way for him to stop being so mean was for me to finally move beyond the "foreplay", as he called it, and have intercourse with him.

Two days later he stopped calling me. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. It was late fall /early winter, so I was able to keep my pregnancy a secret for two months by wearing sweatshirts and sweatpants everywhere I went. And because I was eating a lot of extra ice cream, my family all thought my metabolism was catching up with me.

I finally decided it was time to tell him, and then together we could tell our parents. Our relationship wasn't really what you would call "official", so it was rather awkward for me to think about telling people. And then, I lost the baby. I never told him. I never told our parents.

A month after I lost the baby, he called me as I was getting ready to go to school. He lived about a quarter mile from my house and his car wasn't working. He needed a ride to and from school. So, because I could never say no to him, I agreed. And on the way home he raped me. We were talking, having our first real conversation about "us". And we were almost home and not done talking, so he asked me to pull off into the field so we could finish talking before we got home. Why did I say yes?

I never trusted him. What possessed me to listen to him when I had finally rid my life of him? I should have known something was wrong when his sister didn't need a ride too.

I still struggle with it. Different things really trigger memories. It happened in my old car. I loved that car, but I was so THANKFUL to sell it last year! When it happened, he used a pillow that I had in my backseat (I'd spent the night at a friends' recently and never taken it out) to keep me quiet. Now I just sleep with one on my bed, and I really hate it when there are a lot of pillows around.

He used one of his hands to hold my wrists together above my head. Andrew and I "wrestle fight" as we like to call it. It's all in fun, and we are both laughing the whole time. But once he was winning and held me down like that so he could tickle me with the other hand and I started to cry. Not to mention there was a pillow next to my face. He felt terrible.

It's been years. I feel better, not so dirty. Not so crapy. But still icky in my stomach sometimes. And now, what's worse? My best friend is in a very similar situation. With the same guy. When will he leave us alone???


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Have you told your best friend about what happened to you?

In case it isn't obvious, if you haven't, you very much need to. I know it's not easy to talk to others about surviving abuse, but in many respects, indirectly, and in this case, quite directly, it can be very important, not just for you, but for others.

Probably, he won't leave women alone, this guy. Being an abuser and rapist generally isn't a phase, it's a constant, limited only by opportunity.

If you're serious in asking why you said yes to him asking for a ride, the answer is mostly going to be because this person set you up, over time in your relationship, by wearing you down so that you would be unable to say no. That's not your fault. Even if you made a poor choice, even if you weren't so wise when it came to your safety, that doesn't make any of this your fault, melly.

I'm glad you're finding ways to talk about this. [Smile]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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