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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » Our Archives » Ask a Sexpert Archive » advice, quickly, PLEASE

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Author Topic: advice, quickly, PLEASE
princesslilygrrl
Neophyte
Member # 572

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I recently feel in love, with a grrl. I know, I know, love is suppossed to be between a guy and a grrl, but this is the 90's. I met this grrl while we were in summer school and it was instant attraction. iI have none that I have been bi for almost a year now, so it's not a totally new feeling, but this is the first time that I have ever thought I was in love with the person. I think she is a great grrl, and I know that she is attracted to me. My question is, is it possible for us to date eachother while dating two totally different guys, who have nothing in common with eachother. All of my friends tell me that dating her and another guy at the same time won't work, but I was hoping that someone would be able to help me. Please . . . is there anyone out there who can help?

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Princess LiLy

[This message has been edited by princesslilygrrl (edited July 22, 2000).]


Posts: 1 | From: Brandon, Florida, Usa | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
starpoet
unregistered


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Will your boyfriends be able to handle it? -- that's the question. What will the boys do when they find out? Or are you going to keep your relationship with each other secret?

The other question is whether the two of you can handle dating boys and each other at the same time. I'm always uncomfortable when I'm not in a monogamous relationship or at least only dating one person at a time.

If the two of start to fall deeply in love, are you prepared to drop the boyfriends? How do you plan to break it to them? You need to be fair with the boys too and consider their feelings.

It really is complicated trying to carry on two relationships at once. It can be done, but it can be emotionally and physically draining.

But I get the feeling this is something you really want to do (date the girl). I would approach it cautiously (and personally, I would stop dating the boys before I started out of courtesy to them).

It's up to you, though, how you will handle it.


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HotGrrl99
Activist
Member # 105

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It could work! My ex boyfriend got totally turned on when I told him I was fooling around with another girl. He even loved to watch!
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Whoever told you that love is gender-based has a very narrow view of what love is. Love is for everyone, between everyone, and there are many, many types of it.

I would STROGLY agree with Lisa, though. Dishonesty is never good for any relationship, period. Both of you should talk to your current partners before you get involved, and make sure that is okay.

And overall, I don't feel that love is a spectator sport. Having someone "watch" in a new relationship is a recipe for disaster. While it may have worked for you, Hot, it doesn't work for most people, and most people find that highly invasive, especially when we are dealing with romantic feelings, not just sexual ones.


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HotGrrl99
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Member # 105

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Miz S., so your opinion is basically that 3 somes are usually a bad idea?
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hanne
Sexpert
Member # 100

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I'm sure Scarlet will say so if she disagrees with me on this, but basically, I feel (and from knowing Ms. Scarlet as long as I have, I suspect she feels similarly) that threesomes are a fine thing *if* it works out for all three people involved.

But see, the thing is, a threesome involves three people. Together. Mutually. In an arrangement that does not exploit any of them.

And that's where threesomes often become problematic. They get lopsided easily. One of the scenarios in which a threesome can become lopsided is when you have two people who are getting it on and a third who just wants to watch.

This can be fine... if the two people getting it on enjoy being watched, and if, as a result of what the three of them do together, all three of them feel good and happy.

It can also be really not fine... if the two people getting it on would rather have some privacy, if it feels like the person watching is being predatory or intrusive, if the person watching becomes physically intrusive in ways that the other people don't want, or simply if the person watching takes the attitude of "I'm gonna stand here and get off on watching these two people getting it on, and I don't much care what they think." Those are some of the situations in which a threesome can become lopsided -- there are many many more.

Threesomes are hard to manage. People get jealous. People feel neglected. People get upset if they don't get to be the center of attention enough, or if they don't get as much access to one of their partners if they want because the third one is getting in the way somehow.

This is not to say that threesomes are categorically bad. There are a lot of successful threesomes in this world. But I can guarantee you -- from my own experience and that of many people I know -- that for every difficulty, every pitfall, every problem, and every thorny discussion you would ever have in a relationship that had only two people, adding a third person multiplies the difficulty level by approximately 100%. They can work, but only if all three people are putting effort into making them work and all three people care about one another and their wellbeing.

A few more things to mention: having a threesome is definitely NOT a cure for jealousy. It's not a good solution for getting to do something a partner might not want you to do otherwise -- the "Well, we'll let you watch if you'll let us do it" thing often backfires. I think that's what Ms. Scarlet was warning you about -- and that is certainly what I would warn you about.

Sexuality and relationships are difficult when there's only two people. They're more difficult when you add more people. If you're really invested in creating a multiple-partner relationship, just bear in mind that it won't be a day at the beach and it may well backfire in your face.

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Hanne Blank
Associate Editor, Scarleteen

"Be Excellent To Each Other" -- Bill and Ted


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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How well put.

Speaking of relationships, I am such a lucky, lucky girl. I not only have a wonderful romantic partner, I have a wonderful business partner (who can read my mind, most times) as well!


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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