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Author Topic: Have posted on here a long time ago, but in need of help! Dont know what to do!
greenthumb95
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For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it. Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no. Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication. I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends? The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE! My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does. I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby. I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat. Pleaseee help!

I am still seeking advice from female friends, and have actually been to a therapist in regard to the issue. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!



The urges have been around for years. They are to the point where I ask all my female friends, and even her female family members for advice. I am not sure why i do it, but i do.

First, I am not actively seeking a sexual encounter outside of our marriage. I have been dealing with these thoughts since my freshman year of college. An ex GF of mine picked up on it, and confronted me. Ever since then, I have felt the need to seek out advice from women on the issue. Lately, my wife hasnt said anything or made any comments. I have tried many times to get the guts to talk to her in person, but I freeze up. However, over text and facebook..I have no issues making comments, in hopes that she will say "i know you like men sexually, etc".



There have been a few times where she has almost found out from someone else, but it didnt happen. A couple we used to be very close with wont hardly speak to me anymore because I chose to ask the wife for advice(I used to be close with the wife of this couple, she was very close with mine).

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Heather
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Hey, greenthumb: can you please go back and out some paragraph breaks in that first huge block of text?

It is simply much to difficult to read it without them. Thanks! I will pop right back to address your question once you have,

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent.

I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything?

it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site?

i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it. Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy.

They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her.

If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no. Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people.

Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i.

But it was over electronic means of communication. I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends? The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE! My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does. I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby. I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat.

She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat. Pleaseee help!

I am still seeking advice from female friends, and have actually been to a therapist in regard to the issue. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!


The urges have been around for years. They are to the point where I ask all my female friends, and even her female family members for advice. I am not sure why i do it, but i do.

First, I am not actively seeking a sexual encounter outside of our marriage. I have been dealing with these thoughts since my freshman year of college. An ex GF of mine picked up on it, and confronted me. Ever since then, I have felt the need to seek out advice from women on the issue. Lately, my wife hasnt said anything or made any comments. I have tried many times to get the guts to talk to her in person, but I freeze up. However, over text and facebook..I have no issues making comments, in hopes that she will say "i know you like men sexually, etc".


There have been a few times where she has almost found out from someone else, but it didnt happen. A couple we used to be very close with wont hardly speak to me anymore because I chose to ask the wife for advice(I used to be close with the wife of this couple, she was very close with mine).

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Karybu
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Hey greenthumb, reading this post and looking at your post history (it seems we've discussed this with you before) I'm not entirely clear what your question is. I think I have a good idea of what's going on with you and what you're feeling, but I'm not sure what kind of help you're looking for from us. It's possible I'm missing something, but could you clarify, please?

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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greenthumb95
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Karybu,

Im feeling extreme terror and fear because its getting worse. The feelings that is. People are talking. Family is talking. I am scared of what is underneath. Why do i feel so much shame?

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greenthumb95
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By the way, how do i become a volunteer on here to help people out with questions?
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Redskies
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Hi greenthumb,

in our previous conversations with you, I know we gave you some advice. What you're saying here is very similar to what you said before, except that this situation being unresolved and ongoing is clearly increasingly difficult and intense for you. Can you look over our previous conversations with you and let us know how you feel about the advice we gave and what barriers there are for you per carrying out any of that? Obviously, there'd be little point in us repeating ourselves, and we'd like to figure out how we can best move forward with you.

There's still a lot of homophobia around us in the world. All of us, even the queerest out-and-proud people you can possibly imagine, internalised some of that at some point. So, for anyone whose orientation includes same-sex people, it's pretty common and easy to feel some kind of shame about it. Completely separately, if we feel like we're keeping a very big secret, that usually creates big feelings of shame, too. So, if you put the two together, that tends to be a recipe for a heap-big shame-fest.

Re. your volunteering question: you don't have to be a volunteer to help people out [Smile] Everyone can reply on all of the boards that are part of Scarleteen Central; the only boards to avoid are the three that are in the section for staff/volunteer replies only. For anyone replying, we simply ask that what you write is factually correct, relevant to the user asking a question, and respectful. To learn more about all Scarleteen's topics and to fact-check, you can browse the wealth of information on our main site. For a user to be considered as a volunteer, they should have some posting history of replying and helping others.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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greenthumb95
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I think the biggest barrier is the confusion. I dont desire to have a romantic relationship with a man, like..I dont want to have a boyfriend or date a man..but there is an intense sexual curiosity/desire. Lately, the urges..the want to specifically tell my wife are intense. She made a few comments last night that are similar to ones shes made in the past. Im just so torn.
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Heather
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Can I ask you to say some more about why you are not sharing these thoughts and feelings with the person you chose as a lifelong partner?

It seems to me that someone like that, or a best friend, is exactly the person we should feel safest saying just about anything to, so I am wondering if you could tell me more about why you clearly do not feel safe with her in this regard.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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Well, its not that i dont feel safe..well..i mean, to explain it as best as i can..I am just scared she will feel like shes not enough for me, or that I want to have an affair or act on my urges. I dont. I dont want her to think i will love her any less, or that it will change anything in any way. Does that make sense?
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Heather
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Do you not feel she is enough of her own person, and you have built enough trust between you by now, that when you assure her those things are not true, if she needs that reassurance, she will believe you?

Honestly, at this point, I would say keeping a big secret ten or more years into a relationship is more likely to be what tanks it than disclosing that secret. Marriage counselors would tend to agree.

And on that note, I think that at this point - really, long before now - it may be time to seek out a counselor to help you, and both of you, with this. Because keeping this secret for so long does suggest there may be something broken in the relationship bigger than this, like a lack of trust on your part, a big mismatch, who knows. But something big is usually wrong when we hide big things, or really, anything, for such a long time from a partner.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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I feel that she will believe me. Ive honestly always had issues with fear of people not understanding or rejecting me.
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greenthumb95
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And i have seen a therapist as well. Which is helping, and i believe that very soon..i will come out and just say it.
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Heather
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I would perhaps, then, stick with your therapist on this, and ask them if they could focus on working with you, or both of you, around this and the underlying issues.

I would also be sure they know you are trying to create a pregnancy, and evaluate that with them. Bringing kids into a relationship in crisis is typically a recipe for disaster for everyone, especially any kids.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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Well, i mean all i really want is her to fully know and understand and accept things. I want her to know that nothing changes..i love her more and more every day, and that i would never act on these urges or cheat on her.
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greenthumb95
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Do you really think my marriage is in crisis? I mean, I am sure when i tell her she wont be suprised, or already knows. I am just a chicken.
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Heather
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Ten years of this or more? Yes, I think this is a relationship in crisis, big time, and one that obviously has been in one for sime time. What does your therapist say about that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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Well, she doesnt think it is. She said that the coming out process can take years, and that I need to figure out where I stand on things, on the spectrum, etc. Which, I mean i practically know..its just I dont want to stress out my wife by adding this to he rplate. But like i said, I dont think she will be suprised at all, i honestly think she knows.
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Heather
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I think if you actually believed that, you'd have told her by now, no? As well, do you not think that you telling this person who is presumably your best friend, versus her finding out otherwise, is really important to the quality of that relationship?

Coming out can take years, but years have passed, and as you have made clear, this is about way more than coming out, but about a deficit of esteem and trust.

[ 01-09-2014, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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