So I'm a bisexual guy, and very open about it. I'm super feminine, and get mistaken for a girl all of the time because of my hair and stature. I met this guy at the start of college, and after the whole "no I'm a guy" "oh ok sorry" bit, we started hanging out.
He's super cute, I noticed I was starting to get a crush on him, so I started consciously flirting. He let me cuddle with him one night while we were having a game night with friends. The next day though, he texted me saying that he's straight. We've talked about it, and he said that he doesn't have a problem cuddling with friends but he was thinking "omg how do I tell him I'm straight without crushing him?!" that night. He's sooo sweet, but no matter how hard I try I'm still crushing on him.
He comes over to my place a lot, and today I was taking a little lay-down on my bed, and he was sitting there with me (I don't take up much space). He started tickling me - ALL of my friends do at some point, cause I'm hyper-ticklish. Well...it dissolved into an all-out, very physical war where he was tickling me and I was spazzing all over the bed, kicking him in the head laughing my *** off, etc. I ended up in his lap more than once and he didn't mind at all - in fact, he held me there a few times to keep tickling me. This isn't what I've learned to equate with straight friends, so I'm sooo confused. >-<
I'm not wanting this guy for sex. I don't crush on people that way. I think I could really like this guy as a boyfriend, and I think he could like me as one too, if he'd give it a shot. I want to respect the fact that he says he's straight - I mean, if anyone would know he would - but at the same time I really just want to try and convince him to try it...Ugh. Help? Advice?
But you know as well as I know how utterly not okay it is to try and talk someone into being a different orientation than they identify with. And it sounds like the difference between him and other straight friends you have had is probably just that he's not uncomfortable with the fact that you're not straight, and so feels fine being affectionate in the way he would with his friends.
I'd see it like this: sure, this is a bummer. Obviously.
But he knows you're not straight, so I'm sure if he ever decided he wanted to try going out with a guy and he wanted that guy to be you, he'd know he could put that out there.
So, I'd say the proverbial ball needs to be left in his court, don't you think?
(And of course, if at any point the physical affection isn't fun for you and just makes you feel bummed, it's always okay for you to put limits on that if need be.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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It's understandable that your attraction to this guy wouldn't just go away just because you know he's straight. Attractions generally don't work like that.
You're right; you really can't talk him out of being straight, since that is what he knows himself to be and he's the expert on his own orientation. What you can do though is think about what you want from him. Is a close friendship enough? Considering that you probably can't be boyfriends with him, is being friends still an option?
If you're really feeling like you want to have a relationship with him, you always have the option of having an honest talk with him about your feelings and thoughts. It would need to be about you, though--not your desire to make him into what you want him to be, but your feelings about him. Does that make sense?
It's pretty cool that he's so down with friendly physical contact. That may be something the two of you need to talk about though as it seems to be fueling your attraction to him.
So, knowing that you can't change him (and that as much as you might want to it's really not fair to try), do you still feel like you're able to be friends with him? If so, do you feel like the physical contact that he's okay with is something you're going to be okay with as friends? If you do decide to talk with him about how you're feeling, and to tell him you wish the two of you could be boyfriends, are you prepared for him to turn you down?
I guess another way to ask this is: Since you're not interested specifically in being sexual with him, what would having him as your boyfriend do that having him as a close friend isn't doing?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4399 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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