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Author Topic: My life is a soap opera
Unlucky Duckie
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Well, I was both right and wrong. He *was* behaving jealously, and it was because he did/does have feelings for me. He divorced his wife, and while there were many reasons for that, I know one of those reasons was me.

So he's single now, and I'm single and he actually flew halfway across the country to come spend a week with me. Last week, to be specific. (I was shocked. Every year he says he'll come see me but this is the first time he actually did) And it was awesome.

And simultaneously awkward. He confessed his feelings for me quite directly and I struggled with how to respond. We've been best friends for a decade now and we're very close. I definitely love him, but I'm uncertain if that love can potentially become romantic in nature. Which doesn't make sense because he is basically everything I want in a guy and yet...I don't know? Maybe it's because since he got married I never considered the possibility of he and I as a couple. But anyway, back to his week with me. I can tell that he's definitely genuine with his feelings; just in that one week I noticed so many expressions/gestures of love from him -- I've never felt so highly treasured. And on top of that affection, he spoils me rotten and never pressures me for anything. He lets me set the boundaries of our (presently undefined) relationship and respects those boundaries without complaint.

But there are some issues I can't stop thinking about:
  • What if the love I feel DOESN'T turn romantic? If we broke up, I'd lose both a bestfriend and a boyfriend
  • If we officially become a couple, this will be a LDR. I don't know how long I could do that, I'm the kind of girlfriend that needs attention
  • His divorce is very very recent. Granted, it's been a long time coming, but I'm hesitant that he'd jump into a relationship with me even though he's been in love with me for years. I'm scared he's rebounding because he feels "safe" with me
  • He has two young kids. (He's a great dad, btw) For two years he's been saying he wants a third and joked a few times that if I could never find the right guy, I could always have kids with him. I no longer think he was joking (I'm not opposed to having kids, I just don't want to rush something so important)

And so, I don't know where to go from here. Should I ask him to wait a few months before we seriously begin a relationship? I mean, on one hand again the rebound fear, but on the other hand he was seperated from his wife for 9 months before they divorced and he dated people during that time. Should I ask him to wait until one of us relocates so it won't be a LDR? (who knows when that could happen. Maybe being in a serious relationship could be what motivates one of us to move?) About how long do I give myself to decide if I think I can love him romantically or not? Like, at what point do things go from "seeing where this goes" to "leading him on"?

Posts: 16 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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My first question to you would be something that I don't see in your post at all, which is: do you WANT to be in a relationship with this man? If he hadn't brought it up first, would this be something you were at all considering? Do you feel attracted to him at all? Do you feel any chemistry between the two of you?

Your post is all about what he wants, and I don't really get a clear sense of how YOU feel about him.

--------------------
Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Unlucky Duckie
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That's the thing, I don't know. His divorce just got finalized last month and then his confession was last week, so everything's moving very quickly. He's been a friend to me for so long, it's a little hard to immediately look at him as a prospective boyfriend. Like, I never date my friends. Once you hit Friendsville with me, your Man card is revoked, lol. So...yeah, I'm not sure how I feel in that way. I'm leaning towards giving him a chance though because it would seem really shallow to me to disregard everything that would be perfect fit with this relationship over some uncertainty. They say you can never get 100% of the things you want in a mate, right? As far as I can tell, he's offering like 93%. I don't really feel any chemistry -- my heart doesn't pick up when he hugs me, but chemistry can develop, I think. In the past, there've been people (associates, not close friends) that I've not really paid much mind to initially but then I got to know their personality and became attracted to them.
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Onionpie
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Hi Unlucky Duckie. I'd really disagree with you on the fact that choosing not to be in a relationship with him would be "shallow" because he seems like the perfect fit. Someone can be absolutely wonderful and have everything you want and need in a partner on paper, but just not have any spark or chemistry with you in reality. That doesn't make you shallow. We don't have feelings for everyone, and that includes even people who might be a great fit.

You may not be able to get 100% of the things you want in a partner, but it sounds like you don't have the basic feelings upon which a romantic relationship is entirely based -- romantic feelings.

It sounds to me like you feel like you OWE this guy a relationship because he's a great person. You don't owe anyone anything. If you don't have romantic or sexual feelings for him, if you don't want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with him, no matter how perfectly awesome he might be otherwise, you don't have to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with him, it's as simple as that.

Maybe think about this: if you were to get in a relationship with him, and your feelings continue just as they are now -- without any romantic/sexual feelings towards him -- what do you think the outcome would be? Do you think you would be content in the relationship despite it not matching the feelings you hold for him? Do you think that, if he were to know that you didn't feel attracted to him romantically or sexually, he would want you to be in a relationship with him anyway?

There is of course the possibility of chemistry, romantic or sexual, developing, you're totally right. But what do you think about just waiting to see if that happens BEFORE getting into a romantic or sexual relationship with him? What do you think would be the potential consequences of waiting? What are the pros of getting into a relationship with him while you still don't have romantic feelings?

In other words, you seem to be feeling that getting in a relationship with him while those feelings aren't present and then waiting to find out whether they develop is a better idea than waiting to see if they develop and then getting in a relationship with him if they do -- so why is that?

[ 07-25-2012, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Unlucky Duckie
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Well, the thing is, if we *don't* move forward in a romantic relationship then I'll still look at him as a friend and he'll have no chance at all. I'm not saying we're going to immediately get sexual or anything, we're not (and it'l be LDR so that'd be quite rare anyway), I'm looking at it as gradually deepening/exploring things. Like the fact that we went on dates the entire week he was here. We didn't do anything physically that would cross the lines of what's platonic, but at the same time the fact that I went on several dates with someone I'd friendzoned is definitely progress. I guess it all lies in the definition of "romantic"? If things got to a point where it'd been a while and he could tell I wasn't into him physically, I'm pretty sure he'd break it off. He's sweet like that. One of the reasons I'm even considering him as a boyfriend is that I genuinely believe I could be happy with him, if feelings bloom.
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Onionpie
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May I ask why it is completely impossible for you to perhaps start to get romantic feelings for anyone you are only friends with at the time? Why MUST you be in a romantic relationship with someone for the possibility of romantic feelings to grow? Is it really not at all possible for you to think of someone as a friend AND consider them for potential as a romantic partner?

It is, of course, entirely up to you what you do in this situation, since it's your life and you're the only one who knows what's best for you [Smile] But I will say that I think that getting into a romantic relationship with someone you don't have romantic feelings for has a lot more potential to hurt both of you/make both of you unhappy than just staying friends for the moment and seeing if romantic feelings grow.

Maybe the reason that you can't view him as more than friends is simply just because there really is no chemistry between the two of you, and if that's been the case for a while, I think you can probably assume that there may never be chemistry. Because that just HAPPENS sometimes, no matter how wonderful your friend is. I'm curious as to whether you're really aware of and understand that, not just logically but actually FEEL it to be true? You seem to feel that you SHOULD have romantic feelings for anyone who is wonderful and if you don't then you're shallow. Is that a correct interpretation? Why do you feel that way?

If you went on dates with him all week but felt no beginnings of romantic feelings, I don't understand why you feel such a need to pursue it, you know? Maybe they will grow, eventually, but it's very possible -- in fact, I'd say likely at this point -- that they just won't. Because really, sometimes they just don't. And that's fine and really doesn't have to be seen as a problem.

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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