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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Confused Ex

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Author Topic: Confused Ex
downtownchic
Neophyte
Member # 43425

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My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago, and it wasn’t pretty. Our problems were focused around the fact that we couldn’t spend enough time together. I knew the relationship was coming to an end, but I was willing to work things out and try to start over because I really cared about him and thought he was worth it. However, he beat me to the punch and broke up with me over text. I was frustrated and insisted we talk in person about this, which we did and it didn’t go well. I pretty much chewed him out for everything he did wrong within the relationship and I didn’t take any responsibility for my faults. Now he doesn’t want to talk or have anything to do with me, which I understand because of how selfish and immature I was. I have tried twice over the past few months to apologize and start to slowly work back to getting him to at least respect me. He doesn’t want to talk about what happened or listen to what I have to say about it (he was never the one to talk about things, even when we were dating). It bothers me to know that someone I care about can easily throw me away, even after I’ve tried to make amends with him.
What happens next? Could he be trying to cut me out of his life because he’s hurt? I haven’t been overly pushy when it comes to contacting him (I made sure we didn’t talk for several weeks before I contacted him for the first time and then no contact between the times I reached out to him so I wasn’t pressuring him) because I didn’t want to push him away, but that happened anyway. I would love for us to be in each others lives again. I’m truly sorry for what I did to hurt him and I understand we could probably never be together again, but I don’t want to waste the great friendship we had over a single dispute that got out of hand. I just want to know if there is anything more I can do to help mend our friendship?

Thanks so much for the advice! It's so great to have a third party opinion about complicated stuff like this!

Posts: 11 | From: Maryland | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI downtownchic,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Breakups really are tough, and they generally don't bring out the best in anyone. That is, reacting in ways we wouldn't normally react and doing things we wouldn't normally do is perfectly understandable and not unusual.

It's always hard, if not impossible, to guess how someone else is feeling or what will influence their feelings.

If your ex was never a big fan of discussing things, though, it does seem likely that he's not going to want to do that now. I would also venture to guess that the dispute was pretty significant to him.

How has he responded when you've tried to apologize and discuss things with him?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
downtownchic
Neophyte
Member # 43425

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The two times I've contacted him he's told me I was a "bad friend" and I "played games with the relationship," and that's why he has no interest in talking to me. I'm definitely not the one to play games and I've asked him nicely if he could give me examples of what I've done for him to say those things, but that's when he stops responding. He doesn't acknowledge the fact that I'm trying to apologize and want to make things okay.

I know I should move on, and I have been doing all that I can to get past this since we broke up, but I just don't want to have such anger between us.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Unfortunately, it sounds like he really doesn't want to open the lines of communication right now. There's seldom if ever anything we can do to change what someone else does, thinks, or feels.

I definitely understand it feeling crappy that things have been left on this sour note. Is there anything you think you could do for yourself that would help you come to peace with that, at least on your end?


Having asked that, I also want to add that sometimes the only way to manage uncomfortable feelings is to just let ourselves feel them, even the helplessness of not being able to do anything about it.

What kind of support are you getting from your friends?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
downtownchic
Neophyte
Member # 43425

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Yeah, he's really made the effort to cut off any form of communication with me. It makes me feel as if I'm some horrible person, but we just had one bad fight.

I've been keeping myself very busy for the past few weeks, which is definitely helping me move on and feel better about the situation! I'm not nearly as upset about it as I was, but there certainly are times when I stop and think about it all. I've come to accept that the relationship is over, but not the fact that he absolutely despises me now.

My friends have been very supportive through this whole situation. They listen to me really well and know how to make me feel better, but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough, you know? They knew that our relationship wasn't working in the end, so they are biased with their feelings towards my ex. Also, my ex-boyfriend and I have different friend groups, which made it so much easier to move on and avoid each other.

I guess I'm having trouble accepting the way I acted when we broke up. I feel so horrible for what I said to him. There were some things that needed to be said, but I didn't need to say it as meanly as I did. I just wish he would understand that I was coming from a place of anger and not purposely trying to be a bad person.

Posts: 11 | From: Maryland | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thecrazycatlady
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Member # 96121

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It seems like the best thing to do is to give him some space. It's great that you're keeping yourself busy and have a supportive friendship group, but speaking from personal experience, it's good to have some closure after a break-up. It'll take time, but maybe when you're both in a better place, it'll be possible to look back on what happened and talk about it together. Nobody likes to discuss things when they're still feeling raw, so hopefully giving him some time will let him think, and talk, about his experience more rationally.

Good luck, hope this helps (:

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

Posts: 14 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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