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Author Topic: Pot and Alcohol...?
Kabith
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Hello Scarleteen community!

So, I am 19 years old and I've never been drunk. I've never been interested in being drunk or buzzed, but after I went to college and am classmates with those who are already drinking age (and drink regularly), I thought it would be good if I experimented.

My parents are really cool in the sense that they are alright with me wanting to experiment, and want me to have experiences at home before going to a party. So they bought me a case of Mikes (I can't really stand beer or wine or shots... or much anything). I've had a few, but I've never been super buzzed because I always ate with them.

I told my boyfriend about this... and he reacted in a really concerned way. He mentioned that he wished that I wouldn't drink, and every time I am having a Mikes while we are video chatting he looks uncomfortable. At first, I was just annoyed that he was trying to control me, limit what I could do. I told him that he could trust me, that I am in a safe house with people who love and take care of me, and that he should relax a little bit.

NOW IT GETS INTERESTING.

My mom and dad almost had a divorce this last year because my mom caught my dad smoking pot in our garage. She was so upset, because he jepordizes his family and his reputation as a business owner by getting high in the morning before going to work. They had had a really serious talk when they first got married about how neither of them would smoke again, because of the legal issues with pot, owning a business, and having a family. She was pissed that he had gone behind her back and done it anyway. I have a bit of a negative view on marijuana now, just because it almost tore my whole family apart.

My boyfriend just learned this summer (and just told me yesterday) that both of his parents smoke pot, and have for years. He isn't sure what to think of it, because they have raised him to believe that drugs aren't good. He isn't super upset, he just hasn't quite figured out how to process it. He told me that he still didn't have an interest in smoking pot, he just thought it was ironic how is parents did.

After hearing this, I started getting these irrational fears that Jake would be tempted to try pot with his family. I know that it would be safe, and that they would take good care of him. But I am afraid that he will end up liking it, and start craving it and chasing it. It has happened to several of my friends, and even an ex-boyfriend. I never pry into their business, because it is their business. But my boyfriend is someone that I have been dating for a year. Someone that I am serious about and love immensely. Someone I consider long-term, and he feels the same way about me. I don't want him to try pot, because I don't want it to come between us the same way that it came between my parents, or the way it came between me and my friends.

Now I think I understand why he was so nervous when I was drinking. Maybe he feels the same way when I drink. It's not that he thinks I'll hurt myself, but maybe he thinks I'll get hammered at least once a month like his mom does, and he'll have to end up making sure that I'm alright. I don't know.

Now I have a specific question for all of you, though if you want to comment on ANYTHING that I've said, please do. My thoughts are that I am considering giving up drinking, because now I know how he feels when I do it. I am not actually fond of drinking, so it is not a big deal. The issue that my feminist side has with it is that I am giving up something because my boyfriend wants me to. But is that the wrong way to think of it? Maybe, could I think of it as a compromise? I stop under-aged drinking with my family, if Jake avoids trying and smoking pot? Neither of us actually care about pot or alcohol, and both of us feel uncomfortable with the other one doing it. Is it reasonable and healthy to decide to not do either of those things for now? Perhaps revisit the topic later, when we both feel more comfortable experimenting? Maybe even experimenting with each other?

Let me know what you think. If it was just a guy I was dating, whom I felt like I had no long-term feelings for, I don't think this would be as big of a deal. But now that I am in my first long-term relationship, I want to make sure that I am setting up healthy things. We've never thought of agreeing to make things off limits (even if temporarily) to each other until now. So I want to make sure that it is healthy.

Thanks [Smile]

Posts: 120 | From: Washington State - USA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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It's probably obvious that all of these things sound like things you really need to say to him and talk about with him.

I do think, though, that there is a way to talk together as a couple or a family about making whatever we feel are our healthiest choices as a team vs. anyone making a choice just to satisfy someone else, whatever the gender of the people involved are.

In other words, I think you could present this scenario you're thinking about to your boyfriend as a suggestion for both of you to consider about both choosing to abstain from these things in order to each support both of your best health and things you are concerned could come between you.

I think you can also just lay out your concerns, all around, and hash them out together, unpacking them and seeing what both of you think and feel about them, and that you'll need to do that no matter what.

Obviously, the law aside, any recreational drug, be it alcohol, pot or anything else, can present positive and negative risks. And obviously, too, some of those, both of them, have to do with the way people use them and make them -- or not -- part of their lives. I don't think there's an easy black or white here, just figuring out, each of us for ourselves, what we feel is best for us and our lives.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kabith
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Alright, that is kind of where I was leaning. Talking is a good way to sort things out after all. I just wanted to know if my thoughts and ideas were sound, but based on your advise, as long as we have an open discussion with each other we may be able to come up with a healthy compromise.
Posts: 120 | From: Washington State - USA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Or not.

What I mean by that is you each will figure out how you feel about all of this and fill the other one in. Then you can find out if one or both of you does or doesn't want to do these things -- for whatever reasons -- and see where you stand, whether both of you would choose to opt out or one of you doesn't want that, and then you can make your choices from there.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68260 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kabith
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Ok, thank you for the advice [Smile]

[ 07-09-2012, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: Kabith ]

Posts: 120 | From: Washington State - USA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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