I'm currently in a LDR where my boyfriend (of 2.5 yrs) and I are at seperate unis during term time (and cannot visit each other) but we see each other during the holidays. The past 8 months have been very up and down with lots of arguing and upsets and I feel like it's not getting better. When we're apart I feel unimportant and like his friends come first and I get so jealous and angry and that's not who I want to be. I feel like I want to break up because I'm unhappy and there are things I'm concerned about ie. the way we fight and things he's said in the past. But I don't want to break up because we're so happy when we're together. I feel like we're living two separate lives and we're too far apart emotionally - so i asked if we could talk more to try and make things better but he said he doesn't want to talk more as we will end up fighting. So he doesn't want to talk to me very much for months but wants everything to be fine when we are reunited in the summer - but that's not okay for me - I want to be in a happy relationship all year round. - Am I a bad person for wanting more attention? Can a relationship like ours work? during the holidays since we started uni we haven't seen much of each other, either because he was always studying and didn't want me at his house alot - so we saw each other 2 times a week. I feel like he should want to be with me more / value / look forward to our time together more - am I a horrible person? does any of this make sense? I'm so confused... any advice / insight would be very much appreciated. Thankyou
Posts: 3 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jun 2012
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Long distance relationships can be pretty darn difficult. You're obviously not horrible, you're just trying to sort something out which is difficult to handle.
I think something to accept is that you both want different things from each other.
My way of thinking about relationships, when you both understand and communicate what you'd like, and how you feel about things, is that really you should only be doing things that both people want to do. There's nothing he should want from this relationship, just how it's not wrong for you to want things. i.e. you ain't 'orrible!
I don't think how much attention you can give someone directly correlates to how much you care about them... for example I have friends or even people I don't like very much that I casually talk to quite a bit, while there are other people I care about who I haven't spoken to in aages, and I don't have to.
I think really the question you have to ask is whether you think you can enjoy the things he DOES want to share with you. Spending summers with someone we don't see all year can be a nice thing... but if it highlights the parts of the relationship that stop you getting what you want out of it and it's not pleasurable for you because of that, then this is a different matter.
It also sounds to me like you want some of this to be on your terms. You don't really get to say yes or no at the moment, only ask for things from him and see if he accepts.
This distance is a part of your relationship over the long term... and for me relationships aren't about what 'could be' if you were together, or 'if' anything. They're about how much you can enjoy what is the case. Nor are they for me just about how much you like another person... but about how your situations, and personalities, and wants and needs fit together in a way that results in a lot of fun, respect, good sex and all that good stuff.
I don't think you're unjustified in wanting to break up. Especially if it can help you feel better... there's no reason why you guys can't meet up in summer still, it could even become romantic/sexual again. But if this doesn't feel good to you right now, and if you continue with it unhappily, you might be being harder on yourself than you need to be. Something else positive might come from talking about it, but I think you need to accept breaking up as a viable option in order to find out.
Good Luck with it all!
[ 06-21-2012, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]
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