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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Frustrated with myself

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Author Topic: Frustrated with myself
Chuck
Neophyte
Member # 95940

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I been dating my boyfriend for over more than a year now. I love him and he tells me that he loves me.We been intimate and all. Well a few weeks ago he told me "I feel like your just kissing me because your horny and not because of the other things" This was after I kept asking him to give me a kiss. I felt hurt, felt like I'm some kind of whore that just wants sex and that's how he viewed me.

We got into this whole thing, he got over it and I didn't. He was still mad and I asked why he said ' Because every time I tell you what I feel you get mad or feel hurt, but yet when you tell me how you feel I never say anything'. This I knew he had told me about it before. I felt mad at myself because what he was saying was true. I never seem to fully listen to him and what he feels about the situation. And I really don't know why. I want to know how he feels about things even if it is going to hurt me, because a relationship isn't about one person but the two people in it. But I don't understand why I keep turning things around when he tells me stuff on how he feels, or why I can't stay silent while he tells me. I'm frustrated with myself. I don't want him to think that i don't care, or that i'm not bothering to do anything about it. I feel like I have no control over it. I want to control myself enough to just simply listen.. and to not turn it around and make it about me. What should I do? I feel so bad..

Posts: 18 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Member # 49582

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Welcome to Scarleteen, Chuck! [Smile]

It sounds like it was the way he phrased it that hurt you. If he'd have said say, 'I'd like less of a focus on sex for now, and more of a focus on affection and love in general', do you think you have been so hurt by this?

(Also, I'd ask you to please not use the word 'whore' on our boards; it's fine for anyone to feel casual sex outside of a relationship is what suits us best at any time, without judgement or harrassment).

[ 06-17-2012, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Rei ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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coralee
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Hi Chuck, it sounds like you have a hard time listening to your boyfriend without getting upset or angry, but it also sounds you realize you have this problem and want to fix it, which is a good first step. Maybe if you feel yourself getting upset and unable to respond calmly during a conversation, you can say something like "I appreciate you telling me how you feel, can we continue this conversation when I'm calmer". Or maybe you can write down some of what you would like to say in a letter and give it to your boyfriend. Just some suggestions.
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Chuck
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I don't think I would of been so hurt if he had phrased it like that, I would of looked at it all first view form his perspective and I wouldn't of gotten mad.

And please excuse me from using that word. :x

Coralee, that sounds good. I think I should also use some breathing techniques to calm myself. I get really worked up over simple stuff.

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coralee
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Glad I could help, Chuck!
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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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No worries on the word, Chuck.

Do you think having a talk about the way you talk about these things together would help? Like, for instance, you both talk about how 'I would like to/more...' instead of 'I feel like you only... /You do this / you feel like this'? Sometimes, when people phrase things like he did, or try to guess someone else's motivations and feelings (which they can't ever truly know anyway) it can come across as a accusation, which can wind up with the person who feels they've been accused feeling rather upset or angry. So, it's understandable you ended up feeling how you do.

Also, have you and your partner talked about consent and all kinds of sex readiness (which includes kissing, and is something we need to have whenever we choose to have sex - whether it's the first time or the thousandth time) in detail? Possibly taking a break from sex would be something he might feel would help him with his worries around your motives and feelings?

[ 06-20-2012, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: Rei ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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