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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » my best friend still hangs out with my ex

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Author Topic: my best friend still hangs out with my ex
bluevelvetcake
Neophyte
Member # 94991

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So my best friend, who I have known for a long time went off to work at a sleepaway camp last summer. There, she made a bunch of new friends and met her boyfriend who she has been with for a year. She had also become very close to his friends, particularly his best friend.

At some point I met her boyfriend's best friend and we went on to have a relationship for about six months. Eventually, he broke up with me after numerous fights we were having. I was very hurt. So far we have been broken up a little over a month.

Basically, she still hangs out with him, talks about him to me (even when i asked her not to. When i told her to stop she was like "oh but he does such funny stuff!"), and seemingly prefers to be with him and that whole group of friends over me and our usual gang of friends.

I am absolutely furious and feel betrayed and I was hoping someone could give me advice on how to handle the situation. Right now I was thinking about telling her I need some space and that we should stop talking for a while, but I'm not sure that is the right thing to say.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, I think you could start by making a very clear boundary that you really are NOT comfortable with her discussing you with him and are asking her not to do that. And I think that on the whole, asking someone not to share your personal stuff you have shared with them with anyone is always sound.

Trying to ask her who to be friends with or not? Not so sound. I'm also not sure that really is a betrayal, even if I understand that you might feel betrayed, especially if you feel like there are sides here (you and him) and people need to pick one.

Have you also told her your feelings are hurt and why? That's certainly fair, and I think expressing how you're feeling might help you out.

In terms of asking her for some space, can I ask what that would be for? Would it be because you want and need some for yourself to deal with your feelings or maybe reconsider your friendship, or because you're thinking saying that will make her choose not to be friends with this guy because she'll then feel she has to make a choice?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bluevelvetcake
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Member # 94991

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I was thinking of asking her for some space because as much as I keep asking her not to tell me her "amazing" stories about him, she keeps having one of her "slip ups" (as she likes to call them) and I feel like I'm never going to get over him if I keep hearing about him like this--especially from my best friend. He was my first boyfriend and this was a breakup i didn't even want. I've been telling her that my feelings are hurt, but I feel like she has not been listening to me no matter how many times I say it. It just seems like asking for space right now is my only option. It is like I can't think of any other solution.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, I think that's fair.

I'd just say that if this space like this is just something you want and need, then laying it out like this and taking it is fair and makes sense.

If, on the other hand, it's something you feel is all you're left with, and would rather try and repair this with her, what you might put out there is that this business of taking space feels like your only option to get the space you really want, which is space away from your ex and that relationship. And that that's space you don't feel like you can get from her because she can't or won't stop talking about him to you.

So, if she wants to try and work on this with you and she doesn't want that space either, you could ask her if she instead felt able to make a much bigger effort not to bring him up?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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