Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Does this make me a bad person? And why do I feel this way?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Does this make me a bad person? And why do I feel this way?
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Normally, when I want to get something like this off my chest, I talk to my mother. However, this story evolves me being places that I didn’t exactly tell her I went, so here it goes.

Today, I, Atonement, perpetually single nice girl, sort of stood someone up. I feel bad about it, but feel nowhere near a bad as I did when I thought I was actually going to go. But anyway, a little background info:

About a week ago, it was the first day of my 3 week long summer break. It had been a pretty stressful semester academically, so my friend and I decided that we were going to go to a night club.

I had been to a night club once before. However, it had been with my roommates rather than a friend, it was too crowded to dance, and we left early. So I didn’t really count that time.

This time was worse though. I was fun at first, just dancing with my friend. But before long, a guy asked her to dance. It was still all right. Then, around the time I was starting to get tired, a guy asked me to dance.

This guy was entirely drunk, and completely not my type, but I figured why not? The guy obviously sensed my tense-ness, and proceeded to give me a lecture about how I needed to “have fun” (The whole “You are not physically attracted to me, so that makes you a soulless prude” talks are among my least favorite conversations with guys. Unfortunately, that was not the first time.) Now, maybe he was right. I DID need to have more fun. The problem is, my idea of “fun” didn’t coincide with his, which was apparently practically having dry sex on the dance floor.

My friend was having fun, so rather than leave then, I just carefully ensured that there was a substantial amount of space between my backside and his crotch. So then, he started trying to kiss me. Thankfully, I was able to catch my friend’s eye, and we disappeared to the bathroom and never came back.

Outside, my friend wanted to stay, but I’d had enough. I kindly reminded her that the club closed in 15 minutes anyway, so she agreed to leave.

We were parked across the street, on campus, so we walked to our parking garage. It was a nice, cool, clear night, so we decided to sit outside on a bench for a while and discuss how rude the guy in the club was.

A few minutes later, another guy showed up and sat next to us. He was entertaining enough, seemed intelligent, and more amazingly: he was sober.

We talked for a while, and I’m not going to lie. After the guys in the club, he was a breath of fresh air.

He then invited us to go get food with him, and we did. We talked for a while, and before we left, he said we should hang out sometime, and asked for our numbers.

Later, after we got home, he texted us, and was flirting with both of us. It seemed harmless enough, as sleep deprived and giggly as we were. However, eventually he stopped texting and we went to sleep.

I didn’t hear from him for a while, and assumed he’d forgotten. Then, last night, he texted me, asking if I wanted to go to lunch.
The first thing I did was text me friend to see if he’s texted her. He had.

I was kind of uncomfortable, especially knowing that he was asking her as well (she wasn’t interested though- she’s in an exclusive relationship). But, I decided I needed to be more spontaneous. So I said yes.

For some unknown, unexplainable reason, I immediately felt like I’d made a big mistake. I still don’t know why. Was it because he mentioned he’s moving out of state in a couple weeks? Was it because I’d lied to my mother and told her I was home the night I met him? Was it because I knew I wasn’t really attracted to him and was leading him on? I have no clue.

But, a deal was a deal. I’d already agreed.
This morning, it just so happened that I had a Skype meeting with my therapist. I told her all about it, and how nervous I was. How I didn’t like dates with people I didn’t know, and really didn’t want to go on one with him.

She told me that I didn’t have to think of it as a date. It could just be two acquaintances having lunch together. She talked me through the whole thing, but at the end of the conversation, she told me to trust my gut instincts.

I killed the next 2 hours reading a book. 10 minutes before I was supposed to meet him, I left my apartment. I also forgot my phone.

I realized I left my phone when I was about halfway there, so I didn’t have time to go back for it. It was raining, and I don’t know if it was my nerves or the wet roads, but I almost lost control of my car 3 times.

When I finally got to the place where the restaurant was, I couldn’t find it. What shocked me was, I didn’t feel more panicked. I felt relieved. So I decided to go home, get my phone, and tell him that I was lost and I couldn’t make it.

On the way home, I saw the restaurant. It was on the opposite side of the road than I expected it to be. I kept driving anyway.

When I got home, there was a missed call from him. There were also missed calls from my friend, because apparently he texted her and told her I hadn’t showed, and she was worried. I texted him and told him that I was lost and had to go home for my phone. I told him that I’d had a really hectic day, I was supposed to be packing, and asked if we could cancel. He said yes, but was brief, and I think I probably hurt his feelings. But I just couldn’t do it.

I called my friend and told her the truth. She said not to worry about him, and if I was uncomfortable, I did the right thing.
I feel guilty. I know that if I didn’t want to go, I shouldn’t have said yes. But the thing is, I didn’t realize how badly I didn’t want to go until I said yes.

Which brings me to the question: why do I feel this way? He was a nice enough guy. I mean, sure, he was leaving the state in a couple weeks, so all he really could have expected was a hookup or a brief fling. But I still feel kind of bad. However, the huge knot that was in my chest when I thought I was going to go is gone.
So, was it really an instinct that told me meeting up with him was bad for me? Do I have issues?

I mean, with the guy from my previous posts (http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011569.html), I had no problem with the idea of going on a date with him. But, I feel like that’s because I knew him, liked him, and had a certain degree of trust in him.

Another reason might have been, I wasn’t really into this guy. One of my pledges to myself was that I wouldn’t end up with a guy that I wasn’t genuinely attracted to.

I just feel kind of bad. I don’t like clubs, I don’t like dates with strangers. Is this the recipe to becoming a mad old cat lady?

Also, I really feel like I did the right thing by cancelling the date, but I NEVER thought I’d be the person that would stand someone up (even if it technically wasn’t standing him up, because I contacted him the minute I got to a phone.) Does this make me a bad person?

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(I know my fair share of "old cat ladies." They're some of my fave people.)

You know, I think you're putting a lot on something which, I'd say, at best, was just an incident of crummy manners, and crummy manners largely due to the fact that you obviously felt unable to rescind your yes to this when you wanted to.

I know in the past we've talked about you having a hard time asserting yourself with similar stuff, so it sounds to me like instead of feeling guilty about something really minor, a better use of your energy would just be to do some work on that, maybe think some more about what you would have needed in order to just call back, say "You know, I'm sorry, but I said yes and have since realized I'd just rather not. My apologies, and nice meeting you."

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(I totally get you on the cat lady thing- there's nothing wrong with it! I just always hoped that my last romantic relationship wouldn't be at 19!)

I guess I really do have a lot of trouble asserting myself, and that probably goes back to the fact that assertiveness wasn't something encouraged in my family growing up. And both my brother and I (and my older siblings- my younger sister somehow magically got an assertiveness gene) have had to face the consequences of that.

I guess my thought was that saying that would sound incredibly wishy-washy. Not that my actions looked any less so. But at the same time, I'm so much more used to avoidance than to any other strategy.

I think this is also a lesson for me. Since moving here, I've put a lot of pressure on myself to be spontaneous and step out of my comfort zone. Up until now, that's been a great experience for me, but i guess this is just showing than taking one extreme is no better than taking another, and that I DO need to think through decisions.

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, maybe it was wishy-washy. But that's okay: we get to be wishy-washy or indecisive in life sometimes. And someone thinking we're wishy-washy is hardly the end of the world, especially when it's, say, a potential date, and not an entire countries' voters. [Razz]

Sounds, though, like you have a handle on what you need to work on. Also sounds like it might hep to think about how you can let go of what others think of you, too. Certainly, if we're too attached to what others think, it's going to be hard to make the choices we want to and speak up for ourselves.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Atonement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(just curious- I didn't get the political thing and am curious. Is it anything that's appropriate to discuss here? Because I totally respect your opinions, and would definitely take them into consideration while becoming politically informed, [Smile] )
Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No worries. I was just making a joke: people said that about Kerry. Incidentally, I don't think it's because he actually was that, but simply because he was willing to be thoughtful and change his position on something.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3