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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Telling my mom that I'm sexually active?

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Author Topic: Telling my mom that I'm sexually active?
Member # 95148

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So, I've been dating a really great guy for six months now. We've gone at a good pace with the sexual side of things, and we are happy with where we are now.

However, ANY sexuality is not ok with my mom. She has told me multiple times that I am not allowed to have sex.

We are both Christians. I used to believe in marriage before sex, bot now that I have been with my boyfriend for some time, I realized that I don't want to wait four years till we are out of college and married to have sex. I also believe that sex before marriage can be ok with God, as long as it is treated with the respect and care that it needs. Maybe I am infringing on the traditional views of Christianity, and I still struggle with that sometimes, but I've come to realize that I can't just not have sex at all until I am married.

Now, when I say sex, I don't mean intercourse. My boyfriend and I have only had manual sex and have masturbated in front of each other.

I long for an open conversation with my mom about this stuff. We've always been open about things before, but I've never disagreed on something that she has found so important before. She asks me how far I've gone, and I lie by saying he's only touched my chest, or that we've grinded. After I lie, she immediately says "Good, you aren't allowed to have sex," which sort of closes down the conversation. Sometimes, after my boyfriend and I try something, or even do what we have been doing, I feel guilty because I am lying to my mom about what we are doing.

I want to tell her... I just KNOW that she will be pissed that I lied to her, and I am afraid that she will be disappointed in me, and I'm afraid that when she finds out it will throw her more into her depression than she is now.

The other reason I have been putting it off is because my mom suffers from depression, as I stated before, and she has been dealing with a lot lately. I don't want to plop this on top of her other stresses. I also have a lot of stress in my life (full time college student, work, and dealing with my roommate's stalker issue), and I know that if I had a falling out with my mom it might inhibit my ability to stay on top of all of my responsibilities because I would be sad and stressed.

My mom does have issues with trusting people, and sometimes she is extremely irrational, which comes from her depression. I'm just afraid that if I tell her, it will push us apart, or she will try to control me harder than ever.

This issue has been hovering around my head for some time now, and I still don't know what to do. If any of you have any insight, I would really appreciate it.


Posts: 120 | From: Washington State - USA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hey Kabith!

First off I'm really glad that you're finding your sexual activity is sitting well with your faith. I feel like people all experience their sexualities/spiritualities differently, but it seems so so frequent that people find those 2 things clashing. Especially, like you say with 'traditional' parts of religions. It's really cool that you've been able to work that one out!

About your mother I was just thinking that maybe although it's possible that her concept of sex and yours are different and you perhaps aren't even doing anything she'd disapprove of, it's also OK for you to ask for a bit of privacy on this one. That is another option.

I know you're asking how you can tell her... but perhaps part of that is asking why you want to tell her?

If you wanted to tell her more about your sex life I think the best thing you could do is just weigh-up and think about all the factors... How comfortable would you feel with your mother knowing all the details? If she knew, and her reaction was really bad, what position would that put you in?

I think that if you choose to tell her, that knowing what the consequences might be and how you might deal with them would make it a lot easier.

Something that might worry her, and worries a lot of parents, is losing a personal connection with their kids as they grow up. So perhaps think about whether she might be feeling that fear, and perhaps factor it into how you talk about things with her.

Because either way, unless you want to just continue what you're doing (which can be ok too), if you tell her you're having sex with your bf but ask her to respect this, or if you say you'd like to perhaps start dealing with this stuff more privately, either way you're defining your independence. That's a healthy part of growing up, so asking your mothers support and saying how you would value that support, could really help it go well.

I hope that helps a little!

[ 03-20-2012, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I can understand where you are coming from, 100%. I am also a Christian and for a long time, I had thought that sex before marriage was not a good thing; and my parents were so against it as well. When I changed my mind about all of that, I found it helpful to talk to the Chaplain at my university; who upholds the same view you do about sexuality and religion. So even though I still sometimes feel guilty about it, I try and think of what she'd say and it helps.

About telling your parents, maybe you should make a list of the pros and cons of saying something; and then the pros and cons of not saying something. For me personally, I sometimes want to tell my mother (because we are both close, as you and your mother are); but I decide not to every time, because I want to keep it private and I do not want to hurt her or my father. But just because that's my situation, doesn't mean it will be yours! You can pray about this; and try and figure out what you would be most comfortable with. Journalling might help you out, too.

I completely understand that you want to be able to handle all of this on top of your college responsibilities and work; so perhaps if you do decide to tell her, tell her in the summer when your courses are finished; just in case you need some time to be alone or to not focus on anything major. Try and objectively pick out the benefits of telling her versus the consequences; and go from there. I hope everything works out for you! [Smile]

"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I just wanted to add, as an alternative point of view, sometimes when we feel comfortable about our selves and our decision, we don't always feel the need to tell others.

This may or may not be your case of course. But do you think that a part of you is looking for acceptance from your Mother regarding this sex stuff, and could this be the reason why you want to tell her? If this rings a bell, then perhaps it's time to know that only you can give yourself that acceptance and peace.

Certainly practicing sexuality- and esp when we grow up in such a strict environment - can be challenging new and different. If so, it's ok to take our time to go slowly and sort things out as they come.

Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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