posted
This week my cousins are down for the March Break, and it's super fun. But it also brings up a lot of the stuff that really bugs me about how my family members raise their kids. I have two cousins under the age of ten who are down, and another who is a bit older (umm, 13 I think).
We all spend tons of time together, and so we run through just about every topic under the sun and it can be really hard to deal with some of the crap that my aunts, grandmother, mother, sister and 13 year old cousin spew.
When we talk about boys it is of course assumed that my cousins will be interested in boys, which drives me up my tree enough as it is. They haven't exhibited any form of attraction to anyone yet as far as I know, so how dare my family members presume to even guess at who their potential attraction pool might include. Then every lying effort is made to dissuade my cousins from spending time around guys. My aunt tells her daughter: "A boy will eat a hamburger and he won't brush his teeth for weeks and then when you kiss him, what will you get in your mouth? Rotten hamburger." Or my other aunt will tell her to daughters to never get married (in an, all guys are scum and marriage will ruin your life kind of way). My cousin told my littlest cousin that all boys have cooties and that her teacher who is engaged told her that she isn't kissing him until marriage because when the priest pronounces them husband and wife he cures the cooties. There's so much more but it's just all so outrageous.
The lies are ridiculous, heteronormative, they lump people into groups (boys are all dirty, girls are clean) and they're just awful.
So when I bring up that everyone is blatantly lying and that I think that it is rediculous to spew some of the crap that they do believe (like boys are dirty), they all tell me that I am wrong to be saying that. That at a certain age you have to tell some "fibs", that I was told them and I turned out fine.
How do I deal with this? I love my family to death, but I can't stand the lies and the absolute crap that they spew. And walking away just isn't an option since there's so many of us that we fill wherever we are.
Do I just sit back and let them lie? I get that it is their prerogative how they raise their kids, but the lies are so atrocious.
Do I keep doing what I've been doing, refuting the crap when I dare?
What do I do?
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 822 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Oh, and I forgot to mention because this happened a while ago, but we were watching a show that briefly mentioned condoms, and my littlest cousin ask what the were. Her mother told her that they are a cheap type of breath mint!
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 822 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Oh God, that sounds really annoying! Some of my extended family are pretty... interesting that way too but for better or for worse I don't get to spend that much time with them so I don't get my nose rubbed in it as much!
It sounds like you're handling it really well though. Relaxedly telling the kids true stuff whenever you get a chance is good, and as they get older you could try and let them know that you're there if they want to talk about anything. They'll probably pick up on the fact that you're unlikely to damn them to hell for having premarital sex/not liking boys/kissing boys/whatever. If you give them presents at birthdays or Christmas, you could try and give them books and films that offer slightly more diverse modelling.
And try not to worry about it too much. As you say, they're not your kids, so it's not your responsibility. Even if you managed to refute it every time anyone said anything awful while you're all together, they'd still be hearing it the rest of the year. And while it's obviously untrue that they 'have' to tell them that stuff, it is true that people are told all sorts of lies in childhood and do turn out more or less 'fine'! Even when parents are really on board with giving their kids positive, pluralistic ideas about sex and sexuality, the kids still pick up on society's overwhelming heteronormativity and shame around sex, from the media, school etc. Almost all kids are told exactly these sorts of lies from one source or another, and most kids work out most of the truth in the end. With you there to help, just by not joining in and being there for them, they'll have a better chance than many! Is it worth trying to educate your older family members through argument/ridicule/example or do you reckon it's too late for them? With some of my family I just don't even try, whereas with the more receptive I do a bit. But you do have to stay somewhat detached for your sanity's sake, don't you?
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With some of my family I just don't even try, whereas with the more receptive I do a bit. But you do have to stay somewhat detached for your sanity's sake, don't you?
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