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Author Topic: What is this?
ShortAndSweet
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Here's my story:

(I am a girl)My girlfriend and I dated for 3 years, broke up for 2 months, and are now back together. I broke up with her because I was just confused about what I wanted. My family is totally against me being a lesbian, and I had started a new job and I just wanted to find myself even though I new that I loved her and she might not want a relationship after this with me if I try to get her back. I took a risk. I spent the time away, and one dayI randomly called her, we talked, and we got back together because I realized that I need her in my life.

It has been about 5 months since we have been back together and I have these moments where I see everyone getting married and I see everyone talking about their significant others at my job and at my house and I get sad and I almost wish I was not with her anymore...but I love her and know in my heart that these feelings are not what I truly want.

I just don't know what to make of all of this. Any advice?

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Robin Lee
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Just to clarify: All is well with you and your girlfriend and you're happy in your relationship with her?

It's very natural to see what other people have and want it for ourselves, particularly when it would make us more accepted by and acceptable to people we know and the world at large. This is what I'm hearing you say, but please correct me if I'm getting it all wrong.

One thought: Are you involved with any LGBT groups in your area? I'm wondering if this might help you feel a greater degree of acceptance and give you a sense of belonging to a group where the way you live your life (I.E. having a girlfriend) is "normal".

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ShortAndSweet
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Yea, I reall yhave nothing to complain about in our relationship. She loves me to death and I love her.

You hit it right on, I do see what others have and I guess I get very jeolous to the point where I seperate myself from her and I become distant.

No, I live in a very conservative neighborhood so there are no groups like this that I am aware of. I am still living at home to save money, so my relationship is a secret. We do not talk about this at home. I told my mom and dad, but they harassed me until I just stopped talking about it. My goal now is to save up and get out.

There are my friends and actually her family that except me and us for who we are. When I am around all of them everything is great. It is during the week when I feel so alone I guess. I am a teacher so I cannot tell anyone at work about my relationship for fear of losing my job in an already crappy field. Everyone is or already is married or has someone that they talk about and I am just alone. It's frustrating.

I am just confused.

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ShortAndSweet
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Why do I feel this way? I know I love my girlfriend but when she pushes me to be passionate and I am not doing it on my own I get distant and when I see others I get distant. She doesn't deserve that.
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Saffron Raymie
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Hello ShortandSweet, a warm welcome back to Scarleteen.

Did you want to post your zip code or email it to me at raeATscarleteenDOTcom to so I can have a look around for any LGBT groups in your area?

You perhaps feel that way because we still live in such a homophobic culture. That means that hetrosexual couples are granted multiple priviledges just by the virtue of being the correct gender and/or orientation. Do you think that's it?

I'm a little concerned when you say your girlfriend 'pushes you to be passionate' - would you like to give me more information on that?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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Thanks for the welcome back! I am all over the place with my posts haha.

I guess that sounded bad when I wrote that she pushes me to be passionate. When I am feeling jealous and she askes if I Love her and she asks for kisses and such I think I just get annoyed because I do not want it to be forced I guess. I have no idea if that makes any sense, I'm sorry. I am sort of just feeling what I am sure tons of others in the fact that everyone wants their feeling to be recognized and since I am with a girl I cannot be as open as I want to be. I am just a mess.

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Saffron Raymie
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It made sense, no worries.

My best advice here would be to have a dicussion with her about this. Perhaps first explain to her that it's not about not wanting to be in a relationship with her, but instead about the things you have to face being in a same gender relationship. Maybe explain how you feel about living in a hetronormative world, and that you feel fustrated by it, because it stops you being who you want to be and doing things like getting married. Perhaps talk about how this makes you need space and distance yourself, instead of doing it because you aren't sure of your feelings for her? Do you think this sounds like a good idea, and sounds like how you feel? No worries if not.

Have you had a talk with your parents about your sexual orientation?

Also, if marriage is something you want, there are places that have legalized same gender marriage, so could that be a future option for you?

[ 02-22-2012, 04:13 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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I do love her to death, but when I go to work adn i go home and i see all of these things that I an unable to do i get jealous and want to distance myself to be on my own. sort of sulk in my sadness (as dramatic as that sounds).

I told my parents once, and afterwards I was harassed by then until i stopped talking about it (a whole summer) becasue then i went back to school. they probably think i am straight now.

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Saffron Raymie
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I totally understand that. You don't sound dramatic. It's extremely difficult to deal with the hetronormativity - the prevailing idea that being hetrosexual is what's "normal" - in our wider culture. It's incredibly common to get down about it, and honestly, you get to feel sad if you're sad. Let your feelings out - cry, vent, tell your girlfriend. Let yourself feel sad, it's okay.

I'm so sorry about your parents, ShortAndSweet. Do you think it's possible that they'll come round when they realize that they can't control whether you're a lesbian or not? When they realize that it's not something that'll just blow over because they don't like it at the moment?

Your girlfriend perhaps feels sad about the homophobia in our society, too. However, it may not come out as strongly as yours does, as she has parental support with being a leabian? Do I have that right?

[ 02-23-2012, 04:10 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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Yes she does, her parents are wonderful and I love being a part of that family. I don't know if my parents will come around at all..it is hard to tell with them. My dad is sort of out of the picture, its mostly my mom and sisters adn rest of that side of the family. I am so different from my family and sometimes they see me and appreciate me and other times they REALLY dont at all. I hate this so much. I know we know this, but me and other should not have to feel this way at all. No one should have to struggle with this balance. I almost want to be alone so I dont have to deal with it all.

My girlfriend is sad about my situation, but I feel like I am not doing her any justice by being sad and not doing anythign to solve the problem. But i need to keep my mouth shut until I am able to get out of my house. AHH i am all over the place, im sorry.

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Saffron Raymie
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Honestly, ShortAndSweet; it's okay to be upset. Really, it is. You're aren't a mess, or all over the place, and you don't need to be sorry. It's incredibly painful and difficult engaging in a same gender relationship in a homophobic wider culture and with an unsupportive family. You know, sometimes, we just have to let ourselves cry about things that hurt us. Crying and venting can be very healing things. We don't have to be great problem-solvers, you know? We're all only human, and this is an extremely difficult problem.

I also wouldn't worry about 'not doing your girlfriend justice' by being sad. It's important, in any relationship, to let our partners see all our emotions and feelings. I'm sure, if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was your girlfriend who was very down about something, you wouldn't feel that she wasn't doing you any justice by being upset and not solving the world's problems. Because really, homophobia and hetronormativity aren't your problem; they're the problems of the world. However, LGBT young people are the ones who suffer from the world having this problem with anyone who isn't hetrosexual.

It's understandable that your girlfriend is sad about your situation. We tend to feel sad when someone we love is sad; that's just plain old compassion. However, you don't have to feel annoyed with yourself for feeling sad at this time. As I said, your girlfriend will have times where she feels sad too.

Do you have friends you can vent to, if you think that'll help with how you feel? Or an LGBT friendly counsellor?

What about the people at work? Have they ever mentioned homosexuality at all?

In families, different should be okay. We're going to be different from our parents because hey, we're not all the same people. We're all indivuals. That includes values; you don't share the same values as them. Perhaps your sisters, as they grown older, will be very different to your mom? We change a lot as we grow, and accepting our children for who they are, rather than who we are, is part of parenting. Our children aren't copies of their parents, and can't be expected to be. Does that make sense?

I'm thinking about when you said your mom, sisters and the rest of the family 'harrassed' you about your orientation. Do you want to talk a little more about that, ShortAndSweet? What did you mean by that?

[ 02-25-2012, 06:05 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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What I meant was that when I came out to my mom I did it over the phone becasue I am so afraid of her. I was in college at the time. I came home for the summer and she would always bring it up and use it against me. Where are you going my MY car? Go be gay with your girlfriend. Also saying that I am pretty much stupid and dumb for even thinking about this.
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WesLuck
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It is sad that when people feel insecure about something that they take it out on someone else rather than dealing with it themselves in a healthy way. The people who suffer the most are the ones this happens to, not the person having the insecurity. And besides, when is having a child about them being exactly like you?

Anyway, sending some big hugs your way! [Smile]

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Saffron Raymie
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Oh ShortAndSweet, I'm so sorry. It definately sounds like there are some emotional abuses within your family. You absolutely don't have to tell them anything about your sexuality again; that's absolutely your right. Given their reaction, it's understandble why you wouldn't feel safe sharing this info with them.

However, all people won't always react how your family reacted. Even other homophobic people may not use insults or emotional abuse.

We're here; if you'd to talk about your relationship or partner in a possitive way, there's the 'YAY' forum here. I know it's not the same as talking with friends in real life. It's so understandable you don't feel comfortable talking about this; because of the way your family have reacted. Do I have that right?

And, seconding Wes; hugs to you. Big time.

[ 02-27-2012, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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I just wanted to check in with you, ShortAndSweet. How are you feeling around all this now?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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Thank you so much, I appreciate all of the support. Here is an update on me:

I do love my girl friend, but now I am just even more confused. I went out last night with my co workers and I called her to say good night and all that. She screamed and yelled at me this morning about it! We then began to discuss if I could really leave my family for her and I said that I do not know and she snapped. I do care about her, but I feel like if I leave her she is going to do something drastic to herself or just something...She really became scary and I felt trapped.

I am sorry, I am just all over the place and I do not know what to do. I care for my girlfriend but when she forces and gets crazy like that I feel stuck. I am also stuck because I want my family and her not just one.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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ShortAndSweet I'm a bit confused about what you mean when you say that your girlfriend shouted at you. What was it that she was shouting about exactly? Would you mind clarifying that so that relevant advice can be given?

Also when you say that she became: "really scary", what exactly do you mean? Was she being abusive? (verbal abuse is a type of abuse, but I leave it up to you and the volunteers whether or not it should be classified as abuse or not though since I know only a bit of the situation and since people do fight and this can include shouting).

What I really wanted to respond about though, was you saying you feel "stuck" and "trapped". That is how I felt in my last and only relationship. My then boyfriend had become completely dependent on me. Some mix of it being my first relationship and so I just assumed that dependency was "normal", the fact that he had had a prior dependent relationship, the fact that I loved him and didn't want to lose him, the fact that he was in the midst of a mental health crisis and I a) felt like I should be able to help him since both of my parents had helped each other through mental health crises in their late teens and early 20s and 30s and b) that I didn't want to be the jerk who broke up with someone while he was in the hospital, all contributed to my feeling stuck and trapped. I hit a breaking point and I realized that the relationship was destroying me. It had taken many months for the relationship to get to the stage of dependency that it got to, but it took less than a week for me to hit a breaking point and to break up with him (after much thought, much pain, discussions with my parents, and as ever the help and support of Scarleteen). It's been perhaps 5 months since the breakup, which would be about half as long as the relationship itself lasted, and I am feeling so much better than I did in the relationship after about the first few weeks had passed. I should have listened to my gut instinct every time I thought, 'I've got to break up with this guy because I'm just not happy'. I know that my situation was quite different than your is, but what struck me about your situation is you saying that you feel stuck, scared and trapped. That is how I felt in my situation and no one ever deserves to go through that or to experience the pain that I went through.

I just want you to know that love isn't always enough in a relationship; I know because I made the mistake of thinking that it was. But that's like saying that it's a cake when you dump a cup or two of sugar into a bowl since there's sugar in cake. I am reminded once again of the poster that is in my school which reads: "love's not supposed to hurt".

I don't mean by any of this that you should break up with your girlfriend, only that if that is what you want, that you should do it. You don't deserve to feel afraid, or trapped or stuck. It might feel like staying in the relationship is the only thing that you can do, but it is not. That isn't to say you should break up with her. I assure you again that I only mean that if that is what you truly think is best for the both of you in the long run, that that is what you should do.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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ShortAndSweet
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I'm sorry. Here is what happenned:

Friday night I went out with my co workers to take the edge off if you know what I mean (long week, state testing next week, I am a teacher). I called my girlfriend and told her that I was going to hang out with them and she said fine I won't wait up for you but just call when you get home. Fine. I called when I got home and went right to sleep. She apparently then proceeded to text and call me because she wanted to talk to me for longer than that but I really didn't get any of those messages or calls.

It was at 6am this morning that she called and was upset because she felt like I was blowing her off. Ok, I am sorry for that. The conversation then led to her talking about my commitment to her and what I want. I am in a very difficult spot in the process right now (see all conversations above). I do care for my girlfriend but I am stuck in teh midle of her and my family whom I love dearly. My family does not approve of me having a girlfriend, and since I have not mentioned it at all the relationshops have improved and I love whta it has brought me.

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted in the relationship, I said I don't know, and then she started to blame herself for me not knowing what I want and me questioning our relationship because she brought the topic up and she just snapped...screaming on the phone saying she wanted to break everything in her house hung up and wouldnt answer...awful.

Here is what this all comes down to I guess: I do care for my girlfriend, but I do feel stuck between her and my family. When she pushes me like that and starts to blame herself for our "break up" it makes me almost feel bad and I come right back to her. I don't liek this feeling of being trapped like that. I do care for her and I do not want to her go through pain like that. I also know (bc we have broken up before) I will not have many friends left or the relationship will not be the same. Ugh.

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Saffron Raymie
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ShortAndSweet, I need to be very clear with something here; when a partner gives us an ultimatum like that - tries to get us to choose between our relationships with our family and friends and our relationships with them - that's never okay.

It's not up to a partner to dictate who we have other relationships with (outside of relationship agreements like no other romantic or sexual partners). You have your own life, and she has hers; it isn't fair of her to try to force you to choose between your family and her like that.

Screaming at you and threatening to break things to you is also not okay. I'd suggest talking to her about that and saying that screaming at someone is agressive behaviour and is never okay, no matter what. Do you think that's something you can do?

Nobody has the right to make you feel 'stuck in the middle', ShortAndSweet - not your family or your girlfriend. Making you feel stuck in the middle is incredibly unfair. Your care and commitment to her isn't part of your relationship with your family - that's separate, private and can only be your decision - made FREELY and without force or emotional blackmail - not your girlfiend's, or anyone else's.

Unfortunately, lots of people struggle with homophobic family and friends, and emotional abuses within families - but that's never a reason for a partner to give us a Them-or-Me ultimatum like that.

It's okay to fall asleep after a night out and miss texts and calls; everybody needs to sleep, after all. It's okay that she felt insecure about that - but screaming at you about it really isn't.

I'm seeing some very serious Red Flags here. It seems this screaming was caused by you going out with your co-workers - and that sounds like controlling behaviour from where I'm sitting. As Moonlight said, the fact that you voice feeling scared of her is never something that should happen in a healthy relationship. Her blaming herself for you not knowing whether you want a relationship right now sounds like emotional abuse to me. You don't have to stay in a romantic relationship, and can end that relationship for any reason you want. It sounds like she's guilt-tripping you into being with her? Do I have that right?

I also find the way she's framing this problematic. Even though your family struggle with homophobia - it's not about choosing between them and her. It's about whether or not you want a relationship right now, because of you difficulties with your family and our hetrosexual-focused world in general. And that's all right - that's you being sensible and looking after your heart - because, obviously, homophobia makes us miserable.

Does all that make sense?

Here's some articles I think might help you see this more clearly: Does your Relationship need a Check-Up? and Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse.

[ 03-04-2012, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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Yes, it makes sense.

I am just afraid to break it off with her bcause a) i do care for her and love her b) she says that this always happens to her meaning people break up with her because she over analyzes everything... which is true.

The insecurities with trusting me came about 2 months ago a little after we got back together when a guy at work started to get a little too close. He had gotten a divorce with his wife and we just started hanging out. nothing eventful. I didn't tell her about that knowing that it would make her jealous, but then I got a text from him and she snapped. My fault, I shouldn't have hid it, but now she doesn't trust me even though she says she does. So when I didn't respond to those texts and calls Friday night she snapped again saying I was ignoring her and blowing her off for someone else.

I am really stuck because I do not want her to hurt again or do anything stupid. Most of my good friends know about us dating and I am afraid that if I break up with her again they are all going to hate me. I also don't want to lose my family. I love them to death, and we have gotten closer within the past months.

I am the only one who can make this choice, but I just dont know.Sometimes I think if I can just make myself like her then my life with my friends around will be good. But I just don't know. On top of that, I do not think I will be with any other girl (so I would go back to men) so I wouldn't need to make the decision of family again, and I really want to keep my friends. I feel like I am forcing the relationship right now, but they I get bursts of love that go threw my for her. I don't know. I am so sorry for all of this crap I am writing, I feel like I am confusing the world, haha.

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Saffron Raymie
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ShortAndSweet; it's not crap and you're not confusing me at all! [Smile]

But you wouldn't be breaking up with her because she over-analyzes everything; you'd be breaking up with her because the relationship isn't what you want. However, when someone doesn't trust us for no reason; that's usually a sound reason to break things off - because they can get controlling and emotionally abusive - as she has been.

Do you and your girlfriend share the same friends?

[ 03-05-2012, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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Yes, we do share the same friends...last time since I broke up with her the first time they mostly took her side I feel like and I am also afraid of that happening again.
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ShortAndSweet
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I am so stuck right now. I have no idea what I want..do I want to be with a boy or a girl? Do I want to lose my friends or keep my family?

So depressed.
Help...?

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Heather
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How about if instead of trying to choose what whole gender you want to be with, you think about the individual people -- who are way more than just a gender -- involved, and the individual relationships?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ShortAndSweet
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I know, you are right about that. But the thing is all of the relationships are good. I want them all but I cant have them all.
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Heather
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Well, looking at this whole post and all its threads, it's not looking to me like that's so. In other words, I don't see you here expressing that all of these relationships DO feel right to you or are what you want.

Can you maybe be more clear?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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ShortAndSweet
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Ok, I mean every relationship no matter waht kind has its issues. My girlfriend is good to me, but lately something just hasn't felt right. I am not sure if it is me just re considering being with a man or not. And if I do decide to be with a man I lose her and maybe others, but I will keep my family. Now with my family, yes, my mother has not been good to me in the past about my girlfriend is that relationship can just run its course, but its the other family relationships that are currently getting stronger that I fear for if I stay with my girlfriend. My sisters, grandparents, etc. which have no idea I was even considering girls ever.

Does that make more sense? Sorry.

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ShortAndSweet
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If I break up with my girlfriend (again) I will not go back to another girl because of all of these overwhelming feelings. I don't even want to feel that again. I would be with a man if I met someone, and I do not want it to be weird either for anyone, especually because I share mutual friends with my girlfriend.

My girlsfriend like I said is good to me, but there are times when she pushes or forces and I do not like that, but that really is not too big of an issue so I feel liek I have no room to complain. Today she told me that she was going to give me space and be distant so I can figure it out. I don't want to hurt her at all.

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Heather
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Sounds to me like maybe right now might not be the time for you to be dating, period, you know? Like it would probably be a lot more helpful to you, and better for any of your relationships, to be single for a while and really give yourself some time and space to work through all of this in your head and heart some more.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ShortAndSweet
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Do u think for examplemy girlfriend giving me space isnt enough? I feel like she is going to hurt more if I break up with her, and I also feel like if I break up with her it will never work out with her again if I take time for myself and decide to do want to be with her. I dont know.
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Heather
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Well, that's really something for you to decide: does it feel like that's working for YOU? Also, is the kind of space you need something that works for her and she thinks can over time?

In other words, those questions aren't questions any of us can answer, but only things you and she can come to conclusions about.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ShortAndSweet
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Yea...

Am i wrong for thinking and considering these things? I really feel terrible about this whole thing. I wish I could just get my act together already and stick with one choice.

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Heather
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How can anyone's feelings be wrong?

We feel what we feel, and whether or not a relationship is right for us or stays right for us is a very individual thing, and most of the time, NO relationships last or stay the same forever. Questioning them is part of evaluating them, and if it's "wrong" to have feelings or relationships change, well then pretty much everyone in history has been wrong.

I think the one thing poking out at me here, though, is the sense that a lot of this has to do with trying to make choices based on nonacceptance of your family. I don't think we can make our best relationship choices if and when we're ever trying to make those choices to try and manage someone else's biases. Know what I mean?

My advice would be to take whatever time you need to figure out what you want with this relationship, setting aside what anyone who isn't you and your girlfriend feel about it. After you can identify where you're at that way, then you can see what all of that might mean when it comes to other people, people not in the relationship, and how you want to deal with that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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