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Author Topic: Sometimes love isn't enough
ArridDry
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So I'll try to keep this relatively short, but to be honest, this girl and I have a pretty lengthy past. And Im not the best at explaining things. You've been warned [Smile]

The reason I'm writing this: I love a girl who doesnt live in the same country as me and may never live near me again. I can't seem to get over her, but to be honest Im not sure I want to.

Background: Back in 2008, my friends set me up with a girl who they thought would be a good match for me. After hearing quite a bit about her, we met. I held a little get together at my place and had my friends bring her along. The night went well and after everyone went home, I turned to my roommate and said "Mark my words. Im going to date that girl." We were never friends. We've always been much more than that.

And we started dating. And since we lived right across the street from each other, we just started spending every night together. We were inseparable. We fell in love and I had the best year of my life with her. We became so close and we became the 'perfect couple' among our group of friends. No one ever imagined we'd ever break up.

Then about a year into our relationship, she graduated college and got a scholarship over in Germany. We decided to keep dating because she would only be gone for a year. That year turned into two years. And now its going to turn into three more years.

I have so much history with this girl. Her family considers me part of the family. I go on the family vacations. I've been to Germany, Netherlands, Italy, Bosnia, Croatia, various places in the US, the Caribbean and more with this girl. All of her family friends want us to get married. Her parents love me. There is no way to write down everything we've been through together, but we are extremely close.

In February, we broke up. She realized that she probably wasnt coming back to the US and we decided there wasnt a point in dating if she wasnt coming back in the near future (if ever). If she HAD come back, we would have had to make a huge decision. I would be done with college and she would be coming back to the US. I would be finding a job and we would need to decide whether we wanted to move to a new city and live together. It was a huge leap and one she ultimately wasnt ready for. She told me I was the right guy at the wrong time. She just isnt ready to settle down, but if she was ready, I'd be the guy. We talked about it and came to the conclusion that if we moved in together, we'd never break up. We'd get married for sure. There would be nothing to break us up. But she chose to stay in Germany. She only ever considered moving back because of me. It wasnt a bad breakup, but I was confused by it. Im a romantic. If two people love each other, everything will work out, right? Nope. Sometimes love isn't enough. I tried to date, but it didnt really work. She has set the bar way too high. I regret doing this, but I even refused to talk to her for a month hoping it would help me get over her and start liking a new girl. Didn't work. She emailed me, texted me every couple days begging me to speak with her and stop ignoring her. Finally I did. And I really regret ever ignoring her.

She came and visited the US for a week (and just left this morning). I spent 4 days with her. This was the first time we had ever interacted in person without being a couple. It was really weird. I just wanted to kiss her and be affectionate towards her. Anyway, the week didnt exactly go as planned. We eventually did start kissing and being romantic, but it took a day before we decided whether we wanted to open up that can of worms. Then on her last night here, she got sick and threw up for about 2 hours straight. I was there for her through it all, but its definitely not how I wanted to spend my last night with her. Other than that, we had a great week. We crashed a wedding, went to a comedy club, went to some bars, danced, had a really really fun time together.

So thats a brief overview. I skipped most all of the details, but hopefully you get the picture. I dated a girl for about 2.5 years. We broke up in Feb and I dont feel over her a bit. But Im not sure I want to get over her.

Now, a couple of weeks ago, I made a list of qualities I need in a girl. It helped me figure out what exactly I am looking for. This was a master list and every entry was important. If I met a girl that had 5 of the 6 qualities, that wasn't good enough. Not having these would be a deal breaker. The qualities were:
1. Independent emotionally and financially.
2. Not cynical about life, but has a positive outlook.
3. Respectful/supportive of me and everything I do.
4. On my intelligence level (not to sound shallow, but people connect more when they are on the same intelligence level)
5. Someone who is successful in their own right
6. Open/expressive. A good communicator.

Now, I wrote this list without anyone in mind. But this girl meets all of these. In fact, when I try to come up with things I do NOT like about her, I have a really hard time with it. Only three things come to mind. 1. She always tries to say/do the right things even if it isnt what she truly believes. For instance, when she was here the past week, at first she said she didnt want to get close because we werent dating. I knew that wasnt true. I talk to her all the time and we still have a ton of feelings for each other. Sure enough, after a day we were getting closer. 2. She is choosing to stay in Germany rather than coming back to the US. 3. I dont think she loves me as much as I love her. The last one is a big one. Im not saying she doesnt love me. But I would move mountains for her. There is very little that I wouldn't do for her. And I dont get the same vibe from her. Shes very independent and while she loves me, being apart is easier on her.

So Im just torn. She says things that contradict each other sometimes. We both agree that being broken up while shes in Europe is a good thing. But she'll say that if she was in the states, we'd definitely still be dating. Then the next day, she'll say that we are better just being friends because we get along too well and are too similar (I sort of feel this is her way of convincing herself the break up is a good thing). Or she'll want to spend time with my parents. And she wants to save up money and go to Japan with me. She clearly wants us to still be a part of each others lives, but sometimes she says things that she thinks she SHOULD think and it isnt really what she feels. I know her so well though I can see through it 95% of the time.

In the end, I miss her. I wish we lived in the same country. I guess I have no choice but to move on. She wont be done with what she is doing over there for another 3 years. I cant wait that long. But part of me really hopes we can get back together one day. She asked me yesterday what I thought about the whole 'If you really love someone, set them free. If its meant to be they will come back". I really hope its meant to be.

[ 08-20-2011, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]

Posts: 44 | From: Home | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alice
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Hey ArridDry,

Sounds like a seriously tough situation you're in at the moment, I'm really sorry about that. Breakups can be pretty freaking painful - and all the more when you add in factors such as distance, etc.

I see your list of qualities and while I do believe it's important to lay out what you want in a potential partner - this is striking me as perhaps you're not quite ready to move on yet. Does that sound about right? You even said that you're not sure if you want to get over her.

In the meantime, while you're dealing with this, doing fun things and getting out there and having adventures, doing the things you love -- all very good things for healing. I would just advise you to be careful about jumping into another relationship before you're totally ready.

And yeah, you know what? Crazy stuff happens in this world. It's totally possible you'll meet again in 5-10-15 years and it's also totally possible that you won't. Being open to whatever can happen and also being aware of that whole "creating your own destiny" thing -- it's quite the balance but it's totally possible.

It's been a few days since you posted this -- how're you doing now?

--------------------
The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ArridDry
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I am doing a little better, but its still tough (and will continue to be). First, I'd like to correct something from the top post. I said that one thing I didn't like about her was that she doesnt seem to love me as much as I love her. On second thought, I don't think thats the case. I believe she loves me a ton, but I think she wants to be single more than I do. So I think I'm having a harder time with it all.

I usually go visit her in Europe in December, but now that we arent dating, I probably won't. In fact, Im not sure when I'll see her again (if ever). The fact that I may never see her again really makes me sick, but to be honest, if shes ever in the same country, we'll find a way to see each other. That happened last summer. We were both in Italy and decided to meet up for a date night in Rome. It was nice [Smile]

She sent me an email yesterday thanking me for taking care of her while she was sick. She said she still loves me a lot and when we are together its like we never broke up. She said its just confusing because part of her wants to live in the US to be with me, but another part of her loves Germany.

You're right. I don't really want to get over her. I know there is no such thing as 'The One'. There are many people that can be 'The One'. I know I'll find someone amazing in the future, but I really want it to be her. Somehow.

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Michelle Ravel
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I'm just throwing a random idea out there, but did you guys look into the possibility of you doing an exchange for a year or something and going to live with her in Germany for awhile? It may be more possible than you think.

Obviously, it's possible you might decide that you're better off broken up, but... did you think about moving to Europe?

Posts: 51 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ArridDry
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quote:
Originally posted by Michelle Ravel:
I'm just throwing a random idea out there, but did you guys look into the possibility of you doing an exchange for a year or something and going to live with her in Germany for awhile? It may be more possible than you think.

Obviously, it's possible you might decide that you're better off broken up, but... did you think about moving to Europe?

I don't really think we are better broken up (unless we live in separate countries). If we lived together, we would be dating. And yes I've thought about moving to Germany. I wouldn't be able to do an exchange because I'm out of college already. I'm busy studying for professional exams here in the States. The exams do transfer well if I were to ever move to Germany, but I don't know the language that well and I think that would really hurt me. I know I could learn it (and she would LOVE it if I did), but thats a lot of work. Needless to say, I've been taking online courses in German with the hopes that one day it will come in handy if I were to ever move.
Posts: 44 | From: Home | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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