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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » They think I'm all bad.

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Author Topic: They think I'm all bad.
SilverLining
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Hi Scarleteen,

I'm pretty sure since your reading this, you can tell I have a problem. Letting you know ahead, I am 15 and my girlfriend is 1 year older than me.

My current girlfriend's parents think that I'm nothing but a bad influence and so forth for their daughter. Well, that's what they say anyways. She has told me that they have many different reasons that they don't want us together such as "He's not Christian, you shouldn't be dating him."

But, that isn't the problem now, however some background would help.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year now; last month our one year anniversary; from the start her parents never liked the idea of us being together at all and had clearly made their point for her not to become intimate with me. I told her that if that's what her parents wanted, then maybe she shouldn't still be talking with me, I didn't want to hurt her relationship with her parents. (Oh, her parents are also the Principals and Owners of the school I go to, so yeah "Dating the principals daughter")

She decided that she didn't care and that we liked each other she wanted to try for a bit of freedom, for the next month or so we talked and they found out that we were talking with each other even after they told her not to. They "Banned" her from talking to me. Eventually she got back on and we started talking again.

Skipping months ahead, we became even closer and we talked more about sex and things we liked. Of course, we started playing around however we always talked about it before, we always agreed that if we didn't feel comfortable or safe doing something, we would just say it and stopped, and every time we did decide to stop, we did so quickly and we acted normally. So, we became "Sexually active" I guess, we had agreed to not have sex until we were married and we also wouldn't pressure each other to do anything.

Now; My current problem: Her parents got into her separate email and skype account we used to talk and saw our "Not age appropriate" chats and what we did recently when we got alone. Obviously, they were pissed. They sent out an email to me directly stating that they were severing all contact between each other. Texting; Skype; phone calls; "hanging out". They accused me of forcing her to do things like that.

My parents got upset as well and they started fighting, after 2 days and a couple emails later; we can't talk.

My parents however don't share the same views her parents do; they don't think we're a problem or anything, they like her and think we're "cute" together. They think it's a shame they just cage her and think thats the actual reason we would actually play around, because they wouldn't let us have an honest and open relationship.

Now...a few weeks ago my dad got a promotion and we are moving away to a new island and I wont be seeing her for years...we knew this might happen and we were hoping to be able to chat with each other to stay together through the years.

My main issue is that I love her so much and I don't know what to do.

Do I just do what her parents want and don't try to contact her or anything..?

Or do I try moving on..?

Oh.

Another thing.

They made her write an email directly to me saying that she doesn't see any reason to further our relationship and that she's sorry that all this has happened because of it.

Is that something to take into account at all when I know how important our relationship is to her?

I don't want to move on, that's obvious...but, I don't know.


Any help would be appreciated.
I'm desperate and moving the coming Tuesday, I don't know what to do. [Frown]

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SilverLining 2012

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Mojango
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Hey there SilverLining! I would like to compliment you on a very well put together post.

In terms of contact, usually internet was the way around a physical hanging out restriction, but now that she has been blocked from both I know it is hard to get in contact with her. I unfortunately see no way around it since she is a minor and under parents rule (if that is the best way to put it).

Here is a suggestion though... maybe just think about it. I know you said her parents sent you emails and whatnot, but have you actually had some physical face to face communication with them? I mean a good amount. Because some people feel stronger through email and they may have a different demeanor. If it's possible, maybe you could see her parents and maybe try and reason with them face to face with a well thought out "argument." They may find it unexpected and it may benefit. Now this is just a suggestion because I don't really know how apprehensive these parent might be (you will know better). But my thought is you have only a little bit of time left to find some way get back in contact with her... so what have you got to lose?

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

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SilverLining
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Unfortunately I have tried talking to them, and as soon as they see my near their house they send her (my girlfriend) to her room and make her stay there until I am gone.

When we talked they made it clear once again that they want me to have nothing to do with their daughter anymore and they believe that I've "ruined" her reputation because of the things we've done together. My initial thought was "Wait, you think I'd brag?" Honestly, my close friends that I have told what's happened and my parents altogether believe that they are, to put it nicely, butts.

Even before when me and her have asked to be together they never gave us a chance to show what we have together. Her mother "doesn't believe it's the age to date" yet she has let both of her older children date at her age.

What do you think I should do at this situation?


Oh, I also forgot to mention this before in the post, earlier me and her had gone through a rough patch in our relationship. She knew I hated having to hide our relationship from everyone and deny it when people asked and she told me that if things ever did get too much, that we could take a break and get back together. She said that she didn't want to strain my life because of it and would prefer me and her getting back together once she's 18 and out of the house.

We both realize that it is her parents rule and so long as she is a minor in their house, they will have control over if she gets to communicate with me or not...we just think it's unfair that they haven't even given us a try.

Her dad told me: "I would support both of your relationship if I ever saw any good that could come from it but you both have lied to us and gone behind our backs without our consent"
To which I replied: "The first thing we did was ask you to have an honest relationship, yet you denied us off the bat, we liked each other, what did you expect us to do?"

Thank you for replying Mojango, it is very much appreciated.

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SilverLining 2012

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SilverLining
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What do you think I should do? Should I try moving on and do as her parents ask or do I wait until we can talk again... It's already Sunday an all that I'm wishing for is a chance to say goodbye to her....

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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It seems like it'd be a real shame if the two of you could not say goodbye to each other. Moving away is a big deal when you're in a relationship, on top of all of what's gone on. I imagine SOME kind of resolution around this is probably really important for both of you.

When your parents communicated with her parents, did it go and end so badly that if, for instance, THEY called them to ask to set up a time when you and she could at least say goodbye, you think they wouldn't be willing to consider that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Heather, they don't want me anywhere near their daughter.

I had to go to their house to get a check from them and I went to get it, walking up the stairs to their house, I literally heard "What the hell is Donovan doing here?" and then some mumbling. I imagine that he sent her to her room for the time I was there...my mom had to go back to ask her something and said that she saw her.

I'm wishing that we can say goodbye to each other.

I'm willing to wait and remain hers for the two to three years we'll be apart; even if we don't get to talk because of this. But I at least want a goodbye... I can try to see what you offered. I hope they will let us say goodbye...

I am leaving Tuesday morning at around 3am, so tomorrow will be my last chance...

Heather? What do you think I should do?
Try to stay in the relationship?

I honestly have no idea what I'd do without her. Everything reminds me of her.

I love her so much.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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I am so, so sorry to hear this, SilverLinging. This all sounds tremendously painful for both of you.

I don't think that it makes sense now to try and think of what you might do two or three years from now. That's an awfully long time away, and impossible, really, to plan for now.

But I agree, it seems really important to at least be able to say goodbye before you love away. Have you been able to ask your parents if they're willing to try and help with that tonight?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Unfortunately they say thy rather have nothing to do with her parents because of how they acted. They really are more on our side when it comes to both of our relationship together and they say that they hope that we find some way to communicate with each other but they don't want to come between how they parent their child. My dad says that he thinks after some time in St.Lucia we'll start talking again and for now I just have to be patient to see when she gets around to coming online again.

One of my friends that know the situation between me and her says that he was over at her house and she said she wanted to give him something to give to me... He's going to get it from her today and bring it to me... I'm sorta nervous, I
Pretty sure it'll be a note from her. I'll post later today to say what it is?

Thanks again Heather for the quick replies, lately I've been feeling really down because of all this, just having some one to talk aboutit does help... I think one of my biggest worries is if I move away and end up thinking that were over, or she thinks were over and the other one of us is waiting for the day we can be together again, and the other one of us has found someone new... That, above all else, would kill me.

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SilverLining 2012

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Djuna
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Hi SilverLining! I'm really sorry you're getting treated like this, it really must be awful for both of you. [Frown]

Hopefully this is a note, or something similar! I hope you're able to get some sort of message to her as well, it seems really important that you're able to say goodbye to each other before you move.

Without meaning to diminish how you're feeling, though - this situation really does sound like it sucks pretty aggressively - can I ask for a little more perspective? What I mean by that is that in your post just now, I'm hearing you say that one or both of you moving on from this is something you feel would kill you, which isn't realistic. You were alive before this relationship began, and you'll continue to be alive after it's ended, too, whenever that might be. So, I think maybe there could be a more helpful way to think about this than as something to do with life and death - do you know what I mean?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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SilverLining
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Yeah, I know, it was just overdramatic to say. I decided mid way through this relationship that after this, I'm not sure that I want to date for a long time. Before this, my relationships were normally short because i realized the relationships were not what I wanted, they didn't nessisarily make me happy.

This, was different. I know, it's a lame way to describe it, but this relationship was literally everything to me. Everything I needed, she supported me in anything I wanted to try for, she was always there to talk to, I NEVER got bored of talking to her, she challenged me. Our relationship was fun, and everyday I felt like a grew closer to her, I never had that with any of my other relationship.

I could actually picturing myself marrying her, and yes I know I'm just 15 but it made sense to me to look for someone I can actually spend the rest of my life with and not just some fling. Needless to say, we were both in this for the long run.
I hope in a couple hours my friend will be here, if it's a note I'll read it and be sure to write one back saying goodbye to her. Even if it isn't a note, I'm going to write one for her.

I love her, and I feel like she's "the one" in my life right now. I don't want to lose this.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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I think one thing to think about -- and maybe not today or tomorrow, given what's going on, but a little down the line -- is that a serious, long-term relationship with someone also means being deeply involved with the people in their lives they are deeply involved with. So, for instance, in this case, that means with a family who clearly will not accept you. That'd be a lot of big yuck to sign unto for a lifetime.

The other thing to recognize -- again, perhaps more later than now -- is that for sure, it sounds like you had an excellent, healthy relationship. The good news is, this is what those are like. They're not about only one person, they're about something we can have with far more than just one person. And given your age, the notion this is only about her because you never had a relationship like this before is...well, a bit iffy. Because it's not like you've been dating for decades, know what I mean? This relationship happened very, very early in your life.

None of that is to devalue your feelings, or to say this relationship is no big whoop and easily replaced or anything like that. A first big love that's also something that was so great? That IS a big deal. Losing that IS a big loss. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like before you had a move on the horizon, you were losing this already because it just wasn't something her parents were going to support, nor that she could engage in without causing herself a lot of strife at home. In other words, I get that you don't want to lose this, but it looks like it was probably not going to be something lifelong no matter what. And that's very typical: it's exceptionally, exceptionally rare for people to wind up with high school partners as lifelong partners, for a whole bunch of different reasons. But how long or short this lasted or lasts also doesn't have any bearing on how important it so obviously has been for you.

I think writing her a letter is a great idea. I can understand where your parents are coming from, and it sounds like you can, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Yeah, I understand Heather...and I understand that this isn't my last big relationship, but you know, I just feel that I don't like i want anyone else but her, and even if I have any chance to stay with her now ling distance, I'll take it.

And yeah, I understand what both my parents and hers are saying and want of us. Both my mom and dad would think it would be great if we could try long distance to "expierience" it. And they really do like her, and they understand that we ARE 15 & 16 year old and that we will make mistakes and try playing around, more so than her parents.

I just want our relationship to keep on.

Thanks for replying again.

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SilverLining 2012

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SilverLining
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[ 07-25-2011, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: SilverLining ]

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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I'm so glad you have such supportive parents: they sound like fantastic people.

I agree, none of this has to be a death sentence for this relationship. I also don't see any reason you can't try going about this long-distance.

I hope that before tomorrow both of you are able to find some way to say goodbye to each other before you move.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Yeah, I think that I'm lucky to have them and that they actually want us to have a good relationship. They think it's a shame that her parents don't feel the same, I have talked to my parents about me and her's relationship throughout but she could donthe same with her's, but they know how I'm portent she is to me and they know how we feel about each other, and fortunately, they do hope that we get together somehow.

"If it's meant to be in sure that you two will start talking to eachother somehow abs you two will make it till you see eachother again."

That's what my dad told me. Even if what she sends me isn't a note, I'll be sure to send one for her telling her goodbye and that I'll always be her's.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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Can I make a suggestion?

It's so, so so hard to say what "always" will be when you are really barely starting out in life. And we so often hear people later feeling so heartbroken because someone said 'always" or "forever" because things felt that way at the time, but that's not -- as it usually isn't with all feelings in life -- what wound up happening. Then it feels like a broken promise.

So, how about you focus on telling her what you feel NOW, rather than voicing things about the future you just can't know or predict based on how you feel now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Yeah, I understand that.

My friend should be coming in about half an hour.

I'll post what she says if it is a note? Sorta anxious here.

Thank you all for posting your thoughts and advice on the situation, I really do appreciate it.

Heather, patrickvienna and Mojango, thank you. You guys did help me a lot, even by just giving me time to think on different points of views and just letting me talk about it in general.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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I'm going to be around all day today, so whatever you need, just give a shout. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Thank you. [Smile] I'll be sure to recommend this site to any of my friends who need help. You guys are great here.

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SilverLining 2012

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SilverLining
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Hey... Uhm, I just got to talk to her...

I called my friend to see where he was and he handed the phone to her.

I asked her if we could talk sometime soon at all and she said no, I asked her if she was okay and she said she was okay. I asked her what she was sending me and she said it was a book, I have no idea what book, or anything like that... I'll find out in like 15 minutes.

I feel...depressed? Glad I got to hear her voice, but I'm really upset that we wont be able to talk for a while...I miss her so much and I feel helpless that I can't do anything.I told her that I wish I could say goodbye to her in person, she said she misses me and asked when I was leaving.

I left a my cologne bottle over there for her not too long ago and she said she never got them, guess that was her dad again.

Oh well.

I told her I loved her and she hung up.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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I'm glad you two were able to talk, but I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about how all this has gone.

I think it might help to recognize that she's probably been having a very different experience with a lot of this than you. For sure, you feel the impact of her parents nonsupport, but you have your parents support, period, and also their support to counteract that.

These are her parents, in the home she has to live in, and she's without the kind of support you have. [Frown]

So, I know this has all been really rough on you, and it's all very painful, but it might help you if you feel hurt around things on her end to recognize how different both of your environments are and have been.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Yeah, I know that. That's why I'm so glad my parents arent against our relationship. Oh, I got the book...

It was a book we wrote in with each other, it was around 1/4 done, she finished it. I haven't been able to read much of it yet. She doesn't want us to end, and I she wrote a little note for me to keep in m wallet, for when Im feeling down, I'll atleast always have that note from her.

When I started reading, I couldn't stop crying. She was writing about everything she loved about our relationship and how much she thinks we've matured together.

I love her, if we can, I'm still going to try long distance. I'm hers.

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SilverLining 2012

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Djuna
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I'm really happy that you got the chance to say a goodbye, Silver. And that book must have been wonderful to receive from her! (Full disclosure: I confess to tearing up just a teeny bit reading that.) [Smile]

We have some articles about how to work long-distance relationships, and about the ideas we often have about them and how valid those might be. I'm not sure how workable a long-distance relationship might be given her parents' rules, but it might be clearer after you've moved what sort of contact they'd allow.

Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships
Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals

I hope your move goes well, too - is that tomorrow? Do you have any sense of how you might go about settling in and getting to feel comfortable on your new island? [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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SilverLining
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Yeah, the book does give me more of a secure feeling... Also, it let's me know what she's gone through the last week or two we haven't talked to eachother... I still haven't read all of it. I love it, and I recommend having one in any couple... It can remind you so much of the little things that make your relationship special. I've smiled, laughed and cried reading through what iv read so far... I love her so much.

Me and her have gone through 4 entire books together, taking turns in writing, I have 2 books and she has 2 now... I have an additional one she wrote in and kept for months as my birthday gift. Something no one could buy, and something only she could give me. She didn't fl the entire book Mao I ended up taking all out little loose notes to each other and stapled them in there so I'd never Lose them ever....

Yes, I am a guy, and yes, I am 15.

Sometimes I'm just overly sensitive when it cones to her, it makes me want to... Well, staple love notes into books.

To answer your other questions, no, I have no idea how I'll end up settling down in St. Lucia. My dad has rented us a house that we will move into... I think the full impact of "moving away" always hits me when I'm either in the airport or in the plane... I hope I don't break down. Leaving her is so difficult....

On a positive note, in 1 1/2 years, she'll be 18 and free to do as she likes.... Then no one can stop us [Smile]

Thank you so so much guys, you guys really are helpful.

[Smile] I... Wanted to try calling her again before I leave, but it be stupid since it's 3 in the morning... Hoping for the best so we can continue our relationship long distance.

I'll be sure to take a look at that link to posted and read it... I'm sure it'll help, I'll send it to her too once we can finally talk again... Thanks again guys... You all are wonderful.

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SilverLining 2012

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