posted
I've somewhat recently started dating this guy. We talked about our relationship model being open and casual because neither of us wanted or needed a serious, committed one. But maybe I'm misunderstanding what open and casual relationship is. I've never been in a romantic and sexual relationship before. I've only had friends and I'm fairly romantic and close with all my friends. We cuddle and hold hands and just be close, but I don't have that with this guy I'm seeing. I don't want it to be serious because I have work and projects I'm doing but some emotional connection would be nice.
I feel like he's not putting as much into the relationship as I am either. I text him at least every other day but he replies only sometimes. He's pretty introverted. He's social and hangs out with people but never includes me in these outings. I'm feeling like I'm just here for him to pass time. That he's not actually interested in me. But I also have a tendancy to worry quite a bit.
Am I worrying too much? Being too needy? I want to talk with him more, hang out with him more, but I feel like if I do I'll be overwhelming him. We rarely ever hang out though. :\ I'm not sure what to do.
Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010
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posted
Sounds like you've both got different ideas of what the expectations are in your relationship; could you and he have a more in depth talk about what you both want from this relationship, trying to figure out what the expectations are/what you would like them to be in real terms? Sometimes we have different interpretations of things like "what makes a casual relationship" and that doesn't mean anyone's wrong in their understanding of it, it just means we have to make sure we're on the same page, you know?
Do you think you could do that?
Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011
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I never looked at it that way. I think we could talk about our expectations. But would define an expectation? I'm a little confused around that.
Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010
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Well, you guys could talk about what you mean by a casual relationship, and what you want to get out of this relationship. Then when you both know what each other want, you can work out what kind of relationship model suits you both.
So a few examples of things that someone might say in this conversation (not necessarily for you personally): - I want us to not have sex with other people. - I want to be able to have sex with other people (in both cases making sure everyone's defining sex the same way) - I want to introduce you to my friends. - I want to go on romantic dates with you. - I want to spend time with you, but I don't want there to be romantic overtones. - I want us to go out and have fun together, but not commit to this becoming serious and long-term. - I want to have more space/time for myself. - I want more time spent with you. - I want more physical intimacy. - I want less physical intimacy.
You might need to spend some time thinking about what your wants for this relationship are, and give him some time to work out his too.
Does that help?
Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011
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posted
Thanks for this it helped a lot. We needed up realizing that we both want and need different things. And defined casual romantic relationships and dating very differently. We decided being friends was best. Or I told him I needed that. He said he would prefer if he still had sex but understads I don't feel I'm ready or that we want a similar type of relationship.
So now he's really attentive to me, suddenly. He asks me to hang out, he texts me often and talks with me more. We are even a bit flirty now and not as serious but it throws me off. I still have feelings for him romantically. But it makes me wonder if he only is interested in me for sex. I mean, I don't find that a problem if he is honest about it. People want different things but if that's what he wanted in the beginning I would have preferred if he said it straight up rather than tell me he wanted to date me romantically.
He only also asks me to hang out really late at night. Like last night, he said he wants to see me. When he says things like that he usually is referring to sex. So I was hesistant it was 11:45pm. So I asked what he wanted to do, because it could have been anything. Go for a walk, watch movies, talk, have sex, bake a cake. Anything. He said watch movies and play video games. Then asked when and if tonight was ok. I suddenly went into paranoid mode. And asked if watching movies was reeeally wanted he wanted to do. He lives over an hour away from me and if I left at 1145pm I would have got there at 1245. Twenty minutes before the last bus. I would have had to stay over at his place. He got upset and asked if he had to prove something and nevermind we don't need to hang out.
I also was thinking he is only interested in me for sex because before we were dating he used to call me, ask me out for dinner, movies, different events around town. But when we started sleeping together all that stopped and he began becoming very distant and incredibly hard to reach.
It's weird. I don't know what to do or say to him. I already talked about it with him once. I'm afraid if I bring it up he'll push me away even further. Hmm, it's weird.
I still really like him and miss him. Any advice?
Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010
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posted
Have you been direct with him about the things you're saying here? If not, I don't see any reason why not to be.
If he doesn't like that, and decides to take more distance, he gets to do that, but the only way you're going to know what he really wants or if he has hidden motives is by asking him and seeing what he says.
Of course, it sounds like the dynamics here might still be a little...off. Is this a friendship you really want to continue and feel good about being part of? Does it seem like it's going to be something beneficial for you, and like what both of you really want? Especially since it sounds like this is winding up taking up the kind of time and emotional energy it seems like you'd said you didn't want in the first place?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63427 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I talked with him last night after having a few too many drinks. We were just chatting about movies and novel things. Nothing deep. But suddenly I blurted out everything I said here. He said he was sorry. He pushed me away because he was afraid of someone liking him again. After his last romantic relationship he's scared of being close to someone. He said he was still in love with his ex and he really wished he wasn't my first because womens brains are wired to be emotionally attached. He wanted to be free of the restraints, responsibility of being with me. All of what I know is not a bad thing. He's allowed to feel that way. He's saying no. I must respect that.
The whole conversation went wayside and I felt incredibly jealous, hurt and vindictive. I wanted to hurt him. I felt being mean and manipulative was justified because I was vulnerable with him and he rejected me. As well as incredibly insecure.
It was really, really horrible. I told him he was all talk and no walk. He got really offended. I don't think a friendship is there anymore but if it is... I don't think I should be apart of it. What I did and what I was feeling wasn't healthy. I don't know why I responded this way.
I never used to burst out on friends. I knew my anger was my own and to focus on words and actions rather than feelings of being entitled to something. But when I tried to calm down by taking a break I thought of more things to be angry about with him. And then would text him.
I wanted a friendship with him though. He's really cultural. He knows our language and was focusing on becoming fluent. He has knowledge of the ceremonies, customs and traditions much more than I do. He's also really close to my siblings... I don't know... I feel really bad.
Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010
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I couldn't edit but I realized I made a big mistake. I wasn't ready for a relationship of either sexual or romantic but I did it because I thought it would make me feel better about myself. I was depressed and had (have) incredibly low self-esteem. I wasn't treating my other friends or siblings respectfully either. I was lying to myself and others about who he was. He was caring and compassionate in the beginning. I mean, a little weird, but not as "bad" as I previously thought. I began to feel I couldn't/didn't connect emotionally with him because he was hurting and I didn't know how to care for me, let alone him or anyone else. Believing this was my responsibility to heal everybody's pain. It scared me. But wanted to experiement anyways with sex. Even though sex for me was a mix of feeling confusion, anxiety, emotional numbness and desire. He began to push me away and I didn't like that. I thought he'd always be affectionate with me. It incredibly possessive and manipulative.
How do I apologize for this? I have a feeling I should wait things out... I've talked to about this relationship to him and others for a while... How I make things honest? How do I stay honest when I feel so prone to manipulate? I knew from a very young age I didn't want to start a relationship I didn't want to be in. Mostly because I didn't feel comfortable with myself and my ability to hold a healthy relationship. I had a feeling I would turn into passive-aggressive, possessive, codependency as well as emotional coldness.
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