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Author Topic: Is this normal? Or is she trying to control my life?
artmusicfoodlove11
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So, my kinda best friend (less so now than before) has become more and more controlling about who I date. She automatically hates anyone I even like. She freaked out when she found out I had been dating someone over summer break without telling her and "asking permission" to have another relationship. When we went to the mall and I held hands with my boyfriend of almost a year, she flipped out, then when he made a joking innuendo (after she had made sex joke after sex joke) she proceeded to call her mom, tell them my boyfriend was a sex-ed up freak and just a terrible person, then made everyone with us go home (there were 11 people there), and then made her mom call my mom with some made up story about how we wouldn't stop making out in public and the security kicked us out. Finally, when she was using my phone to call someone, she went through my texts and read that my boyfriend and I had french kissed on our sixth month anniversary, and then she completely spazzed out, yelled at me for almost an hour, and now won't drop it, ever. She also gets onto me for what I wear (knee length style skirts, jeans, band tee-s, and the occasional short skirt and tanktop), but she wears short, short skirts and fishnet leggings. Is this normal, or is she waaaay controlling my life?
Posts: 9 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Captain Girl
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I'm going to vote for not normal and seriously not okay.

You do not have to ask your friend's permission before you can date. That's isn't (or it very much shouldn't be) her role in your life. And in the story you tell about your trip to the mall, she lied about you and your boyfriend, enlisted her mom to lie some more, and committed a serious invasion of your privacy (going through your texts). This is not how friends should treat each other.

You do not have to hang out with people who treat you badly, and you certainly don't have to call them your friends.

Have you talked to your parents about that incident - about what really happened, and the way your friend has been treating you? If I were your mom, I would want to hear your side of the story, and I would want to know what was going on so that I could help you in any way I could. In particular, I can remember that my parents volunteered, when I was in junior high and high school, to "forbid" me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. Depending on how you know this girl and what kinds of things you do with her, you might ask your folks if you can claim that they've decided that this person is a bad influence on you and that they don't want you to hang out with her anymore.

You could also just tell her straight up that you find her lying about you and reading your texts unacceptable and the friendship is over. That would be honest and brave, but if it would cause a ton of social drama, it would be understandable if you preferred not to go that route.

Posts: 129 | From: Boston | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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I agree with everything Captain Girl says. This is way not okay, for sure.

Just by the way though, this is supposed to be a safe space for everyone, so expressions like "spaz out" aren't really okay for here. (A lot of people don't realise that expression refers to disability and specifically to sufferers of cerebral palsy.) Just wanted to point that out. [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
artmusicfoodlove11
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I've tried to talk to her about it a thousand times, and she hasn't stopped. And, since we go to the same school and it's extremely small (66 kids in our grade, and we're the biggest grade ever) it's next to impossible to avoid her. And she's friends with most of my friends so it's a situation where I'd either have to leave all my friends or get away from her. A few of my friends decided to avoid her because she was worse to both of them (scratched and hit them along with everything else) and after this happened, she told the school authority that she was "emotionally unstable and overly possessive" and then requested that no one in our group could talk to her, and if we did, the school could give us a detention and other punishments if we did. It took two months for everything to finally get sorted out.

I feel bad for her, because she has a lot going on in her life, her dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and it's probably terminal, so I could see why she'd want control over something in her life, but I still think it's really not okay. So, I'm torn up about what to do.

(Also, I didn't know that, I'll be sure to be more careful from now on [Smile] )

Posts: 9 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I'm sorry to hear that. But if you have communicated all of this clearly and she hasn't changed her behavior, you need to know it's probably not going to and that this is clearly not someone healthy to be friends with.

You already know you're not the cure for her Dad's cancer (and that may have nothing to do with her behavior: controlling behavior like this usually isn't situational), and you also probably already know that it's not like her friendship with you is this loving, supportive thing that's likely to help her out much, because she isn't letting it be that. As well, trying to help or support others when they're doing us harm just isn't taking good care of ourselves. And to be able to take really good care of anyone else, we have to be taking care of ourselves first.

My best advice is to strongly consider separating from this person and dissolving your friendship. Alternately, or as well, I'd talk to a counselor or administrator at your school about this.

You've tried to do what you can here, over and over. She hasn't been responsive. She also clearly has a pattern of escalating abuse with people, so I think you need to know and understand this isn't a safe person to be close to, and, ideally, get yourself away. If you can't do that on your own, ask for help from your school and/or your family, okay?

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Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
artmusicfoodlove11
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I will, my parents know that she has issues with the truth when it's inconvenient, and, on an up side, I'm changing schools next year and moving from the South to the North. (I just put Wisconsin as where I'm from because I have a month left in TN). So, it'll be easy to "loose contact" with her and keep in touch with my real friends. My parents agree that she's not someone I should be around that often, but her parents donate a lot to the school and she gets good grades, so teachers find it hard to believe that she's not this perfect little angel. So, my parents make up either a "sick aunt" type situation or "ground" me from going out with her or texting/ online contact with her.
Posts: 9 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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That's really unfortunate that her parents money is influencing the safety of other students AND this student actually getting helped. After all, allowing her to be abusive doesn't help her, either.

Since it's clear that other students have been maltreated and/or abused by this person, might your parents consider connecting with THOSE parents and going in to talk to the administration as a group?

If nothing else, can you ask your folks to help you sever this friendship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LifeEnColor
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Hi, I know I'm a little late to posting here, but I've had an experience similar to this and I just really want to add my voice to encouraging you to ending this friendship asap. I had a friend in high school who was similar to this person you're describing. She was very controlling on our group of friends and was violent toward everyone. Now and then she would calm down and be a pleasant person, so we all put up with her.

But last summer she came with me to my dad's house for a bbq and when we went for a walk, she became mad and pushed me off the road and down a hill. When I took a step to steady myself, my leg fell into a snake hole. I didn't break, but there was severe muscle and tissue damage done. It's been almost a year, and my leg is still very bruised and feeble. I used to run cross country, but I can't even run more than five minutes without my leg throbbing and sometimes giving out on me. I've been to three different doctors and have cat x-rays and scans of all kinds, and none of them can tell me why my leg is still so damaged. They say that the muscle is beginning to atrophy and I need to take physical therapy that /might/ return my leg back to it's prior strength.

Obviously she couldn't have known that the hole was there, but the fact is she was the one that pushed me and ruined my leg. It's still extremely painful if someone touches the bruised area and even walking can be painful. So please, I'm not trying to scare you, but I just want you to be aware of what dangerous friendships like this can do if you don't get away from them. I wish you the best of luck with this. [Smile]

Posts: 112 | From: Upperstate NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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