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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » trouble with relationship

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Author Topic: trouble with relationship
loveyoumake
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I've been with this guy for 2+ years and we are serious about each other. The only thing is lately our relationship has been so strained. We argue and get upset about so many things, and most of the time they are pointless..

I'm so frustrated because right now we are in an LDR, whereas during the school year we're together a lot. We got in an argument tonight and my boyfriend always wants to text when we are having an important discussion about us. I told him this makes me feel like he doesn't take our relationship seriously but he responded by saying he doesn't have the balls to talk about this stuff over the phone and finds it easier to organize his thoughts when he's texting.... but I don't understand how he can't talk to me over the phone about this, we've been in a relationship for so long. Actually, wait, I do understand because he can never talk to me even in person, he just stops talking to me completely! This doesn't help our situation at all.

Tonight my boyfriend tried to say I'm depressed, which got me upset because I don't fit any of the symptoms. I asked him if he ever thought that maybe the way my mood has been has to do with the birth control I've been on since August, or maybe it's that my thyroid is off because I don't have a doctor now. Or maybe it's because of all the emotional upheaval that I've gone through during the last 6 months that he will never understand.

I don't know what to do to make us better. Maybe we've both changed and we just don't mesh well together anymore and only cause problems for each other. I love him, but maybe love isn't enough..

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Looking at something like the texting to have important discussions, have you tried asking for some middle ground?

For example, maybe you start having the discussions on the phone, and if and when he finds there is something he feels is too difficult for him to say out loud, then he texts?

Or, maybe you take turns: one important discussion can be by text and the next needs to be by phone?

As well, does your boyfriend generally have big trouble with verbal communication with people, or is this only about you, or only when something is in crisis for him?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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loveyoumake
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That sounds like a good idea, alternating each time we have something important to discuss.

My boyfriend has no trouble whatsoever in communicating with other people our age, such as people at college. However, I'm thinking about it and he is constantly fighting with his mom. I was thinking about this last night- him and his mom always have problems- they fight over the weirdest things- then I though of how the same thing goes for him and I. I don't want to say it's my boyfriends fault for all of this, because it's both of us, but it made me think maybe it is something to do with him since he has this same problem with his mom (which he had problems with before we ever met at college 3 years ago).

When him and his mom get in an argument he told me that it's like a screaming match of who can yell louder. And often times he doesn't want to talk about what they fight about. All I ever think is that I don't want things to be like that with us, with our relationship. We're better than that (when we're actually "good"). I never had argument problems in my last serious relationship (which was longer than this one so far) and not even in shorter relationships.

I don't know how to fix this. As of right now we're on a break, even though we're in an LDR. We aren't going to communicate (talk or text) at all. We don't know how long this will go on for either. But I figured since we were arguing and getting upset over things then we should just take a break. What do you think? Thanks for the help Heather. [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Have you ever had a talk together about how you both like to and feel comfortable communicating when in crisis? Have you ever talked about how the way crisis goes in his house might be influencing how he deals with it, and then maybe made some agreements about how you'll handle it together, like agreeing no one will yell, and each person will make time to listen to the other and not talk over them?

I couldn't tell you if a break is a good idea or not just based on this information, but I'm betting that's a choice you made because you thought it was a good idea, which suggests it probably is. After all, you're the expert on what you need and what you think is best for your relationship. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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