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Author Topic: In Search of Closure
BarefootGirl
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My ex boyfriend and I broke up nearly a year and a half ago. We ended on extremely bad terms (he was abusive; physically, sexually and emotionally) and after I couldn't handle his harassment any longer, I just stopped responding to him. We never got any closure, which I'm sure was rough on him as well, but I find now that I've been dating again and have found a wonderful guy, I'm thinking more and more about the ex and how I NEED closure on the situation. We dated for 3 years and were friends for 7 and it still boggles me how it ended. Is it unfair to approach him now to seek this? I'm finally 'over' it and have made peace within myself as to what he's done to me. I forgive him (which sounds ridiculous) and I won't say it personally to his face, but really, forgiving is all that's going to allow me to fully move forward with my life and enjoy myself. I just want to talk to him. I don't miss him, but I wonder how he is often and we see each other on an almost daily basis. Like I've said, we haven't spoken in a year and a half and it's going to be terribly awkward to just show up at his dorm but I need this. For myself, for my current love and for my future. I just feel like when he sees me he'll either slam the door or feel like I'm there to stir things up. How can I go about making him feel less threatened by my presence and how would you, personally, do this? Or would you even do it? My current is nervous for me to go alone but I feel if I brought him along it would just make my ex feel boxed in, so, I'm planning on doing this alone but have friends nearby in case I'm in need of assistance. Any thoughts, at all, on this would be greatly appreciated as my friends hold a bias against him which is blatantly understandable. Also, I learned yesterday from a close source that he hasn't moved on whatsoever since we broke up so that also makes me feel slightly nervous that he'll either try something sexually or just break down and I obviously don't want either. I just want to get in, get out and say what I've been needing to say for a year and a half. If I do this, I'm planning on it being soon (like next week). I'm finally confident enough to face him and there's no time like the present, right?

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Tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Before anything else, let me ask this: has this person, to your knowledge, done any work on and for themselves so that they are no longer abusive? In other words, is this even a safe person for you to get back in contact with?

Can I also ask why you're thinking about showing up to see him alone, unannounced, and not do this in a public, safe place?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BarefootGirl
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I honestly have no idea if he's still the same person. I assume he is, but I have no evidence of this. Also, my best friend lives 3 doors down from him and I'd leave his door open so that she could hear me if I needed help plus with the door open, there's constantly people in the hallways and passing by. I just feel like it'd be easier to do it one on one, without backing him into a corner. I'm not going in hopes of sparking anything or starting crap. I'm going because I still dwell, but, most of the negative feelings have passed and I just want to tell him things I feel I need to get out there. I've already gone to therapy over this and even the therapist agreed this would be a good idea so long as it'd be safe for me. And as for my boyfriend, he wants me to do it so I can finally put to rest the ex. I know it probably sounds stupid to everyone else but I just want to do this.

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Tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun.

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Heather
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Personally, if you don't have sound reason to know that he has changed a good deal, I would strongly not advise trying to see him alone and unannounced.

You can still talk to him one-on-one, for instance, at a coffee shop. You could also have the conversation you plan to through email.

None of this sounds stupid to me, resolution is important. It's just that the way you're thinking of going about it doesn't sound safe to me or like the way you're most likely to have a productive conversation that leaves you feeling better, not worse.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BarefootGirl
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I had mentioned to my friends and boyfriend about possibly texting him beforehand and giving him a heads up but they all thought that was a bad idea for whatever reasons. And honestly, I'd much prefer to meet him in 'public' but I know he'd never, ever go for that. The therapist had suggested arranging a meeting in which I'd bring my boyfriend and he could bring his best friend but his best friend is my boyfriend's extended family so it'd just be plain awkward. And also, I feel if I do it through email, I won't get what I need from it. I'd like it to be in person, but, obviously, my safety comes first. I just have no idea how to go about this realistically I guess..

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Tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun.

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Heather
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You know, I think if you know he'd not meet you in public that's you knowing he would not want you to be safe, gal.

So, my best advice, then, is to do this via email only, to ask about arranging something in public, or to bring a friend with you who stays with you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BarefootGirl
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me: hey .. is this (his name)?
him: .. yes
me: are you in your room / busy?
him: who is this
me: it's (my name) ..
him: what do you want.
me: to talk. just us. im not going to ambush you and im not trying to stir things up. i just want to talk.
him: why. why now.
me: i just have some things on my mind. constantly. and i just want to get them out.
him: so did i once. you wouldnt see me. why would i want to talk to you now. why should i even bother.
me: i know you did but i wasn't ready. its been enough time now .. i'm not looking to tear a strip off you, i just want to talk.
him: well today isn't a good day. i have a big assignment due tomorrow and i'm playing soccer in twenty minutes. that doesnt mean i want to talk yet either.
me: ok .. well how will i know? i won't show up if you're not ready to talk.
him: i don't know yet. i'll let you know.
me: okay .. bye.

Andddd .. now I feel stupid for texting. I just didn't want to catch him off guard and wanted to give at least a little fair warning plus my friend said he wasn't in his room .. but now it's like he has all the power. Again. I think, if he doesn't txt me within the next week, I'll just email him what I need to say. I just need to get it out.

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Tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun.

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Heather
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Here's the tough thing: people who are abusive are people who want all the power and control.

So, them giving you some? It's really, really unlikely. Ever.

It's probably the toughest thing about letting go of having been abused in any way, because even trying to get resolution from them often fails, and if and when we can make it happen, it is usually a very one-sided conversation where you can say all you need to say, and they either don't respond back, deny or dismiss what you said, or...well, act the same ways they always did.

It's not stupid for you to try and get what you need in this. Not at all. The trouble is that you're trying to get it from someone who really really isn't likely to want to give it to you because it involves giving you exactly what they most want to withhold.

Do you know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Do you want to talk about what you're looking for in this, what you ideally want to get out of it?

If so, I think it might help you kind of sort out the best way to try and go about it and also get a sense of what is and isn't likely.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BarefootGirl
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Honestly, what I want to get out of this is to be able to close the door to the past so I can fully enjoy my present and future with the great guy I have now and my extremely supportive friends and family. I just want to enjoy all that I have but I can't because I feel like there's a huge, dark cloud looming over me because of my past. It's jaded me and I'm as close as I've ever been to 'forgetting' about him, but I know he'll never be gone for good. I just want him to know how much he put me through and how I still feel like I'm not good enough because of him. I don't care if he responds. I just want to say it to his face. I just need to sew it all up in person and say 'goodbye' for the last time and hopefully, finally, move forward and not look back.

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Tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun.

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Heather
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I hear you. (And I do: I absolutely understand the need for this kind of closure.)

So, when you say you want him to know these things: do you feel like you can live with him simply hearing or reading them? I say that because you may say them, and he still may not really get it or know it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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