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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to know if your partner is ready?

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Author Topic: How to know if your partner is ready?
JeseC
Neophyte
Member # 48488

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I'm interested in having sex with a good friend of mine. I know we both share some of the same views on sex, and neither of us have a current partner. Both of us are okay with having sex with a friend without it necessarily being a relationship. I would be ok with a romantic relationship too, but I don't have an issue with staying at good friends, and I know she's done similar in the past.

My question: I am the elder in the relationship by 5 years. She's a college freshman, I'm a senior. I consider her a friend and an equal, but I sort of feel awkward because of the age difference. I don't want her to feel like I'm pushing her into anything.

I did read the age difference thread but it's a bit harder to answer as the older partner. All I can say is we can't talk to any of our parents because they don't approve of us being with other girls.

Is there any way to tell if your partner is ready and not feeling pressured or anything? I've found a lot of stuff for people dating older people, but I could use some guidance on being the older person.

Posts: 21 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skiesofgreen
Activist
Member # 46170

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There absolutely is a way to know and that, quite simply, is to ask. Any healthy sexual relationship needs good communication, so if you would like to know if this person is interested in having sex with you why don't you try talking about it?

If you think you could use some info on how to have that sort of conversation why don't you check out this link:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner

[ 02-23-2011, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's great you asked this question, and I can certainly understand that talking to parents is going to be a big barrier if they have any homophobia going on.

skiesofgreen shared a good link with you there, and I'd suggest it, too.

You say you consider her an equal: that given, what has she said about how ready she feels? In terms of any inequities that may be present because of your age difference, have you two talked about them?

You say you're worried she may feel pressured: do you feel like you've been exerting any pressure? Have you made clear sex isn't at all required in your relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JeseC
Neophyte
Member # 48488

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Part of the difficulty is it's not a "relationship" in that sense. We are not exclusive dating partners. I feel like I like that model a lot better than the whole life partner=sexual partner deal, but I'm really not sure how to negotiate it. I really like this girl, I feel like she's interested in me, but I'm not even sure how to bring anything up without sounding like I'm asking her to be my girlfriend.

I don't know. I really like this girl, but I'm really confused about all this. I know I don't want to tie my sex life to a single relationship, because I honestly feel that would cheapen the relationship for me. But I'm not sure how to negotiate anything outside of that monogamous relationship model.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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When I use the word relationship, I simply mean it in the literal definition: an ongoing interaction between people. I don't imply or presume any given kind of relationship.

One doesn't have to be exclusive to talk about real consent, which is basically what you're asking about here. Those conversations can happen -- and ideally should happen -- in and with any kind of actual or potential sexual interaction.

Can I ask how negotiating consent has gone for you with other partners in the past? Is that something you feel like you've been able to do before?

[ 02-24-2011, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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