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Author Topic: How to slow down..
Vallina
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Member # 52204

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Ok so, I have a boyfriend who I've been going out with for 2 months. We went out for a around about 1 month beforehand, but took a break, so we could work out ourselves more, stop being so needy, I guess. We, suprisingly stayed good friends after and created a very strong bond between us. From the first time we went out, we would have been going out for 5 months.


Before we were going out the first time, we were pretty close friends, and for around about 3 months I have considered him one of my best friend [comparable to the relationship I have with my best friend, who I have known, and been best friends with, for 9 years.]
I am 16 and he is 15. We have known each other for around about 11 months, but he lives around about 35 miles away. Luckily, it is very easy to meet up, as London is right between us.
I have had 2 boyfriends before, one serious, although it only lasted 4 months or so and was very different to this relationship, especially in terms of feelings.


Cutting to the chase, I feel as if we are taking things WAAAYYY too fast. We had sex twice, but I feel as if I am not ready for that, mentioned it to him, he accepts and respects this. All the same, I know I am not going to have sex again until I am completely ready. Which, he knows, might not be for at least 7 months or so. He is staying round for a sleepover tomorrow night [we are just planning on playing video games and watching TV, he knows I am on my period, so it's not like anything sexual would be happening.] Due to him living on the other side of London, I only know 2 of his friends, one pretty well. Anyway, I really would like this relationship to last, I want to hold onto all this excitement and 'new' feeling, which I know is only possible if you take things slow and be patient. Unfortunately I keep on getting whirled into this feeling of excitement and I give in to temptation too easily. I also get scared because he mentioned a couple of times about how he wants us to last forever, which I doubt will happen. Not impossible, just very improbable, which is a horrible thought, but I have to accept that.


In any case, can someone please give me some pointers on how to slow things down? Any nice ideas for dates which are totally different? Little gifts I can give him? [I am quite artistic and draw daily..?] Any tips on how to stop wanting to give in?
Anything would be much appreciated (:

[sorry for the long post]

Posts: 28 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Vallina
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When I say mentioned, I meen discussed about properly and openly. Just thought I should point that out xD
Posts: 28 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, I feel like you've made it very clear you need to slow things down and want to. You also say he respects that completely.

When that's the case, then what you're talking about are TWO people supporting each other around something, meaning that if one starts to backslide into something unwanted, the other will then step it up and say "Hey, that's nice, but remember about the agreement we made with what you ideally want? Let's stick to that, okay?"

Know what I mean? Do you feel like if and when you slide a bit, he'll help out and be supportive like that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vallina
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Yes, most definitely, I might mention to him tomorrow that we need to slow down. It's not like we make out every time we see each other or something, but yeah, I am pretty confident that he will be fine with it. He mentioned to me once that we should, a while back I think, but I'll bring the issue up tomorrow.
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Vallina
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and yeahh I am pretty confident that he will be here for me if one of us does fall back. It's just how we will slow down, after we've gone this far, which is bothering me.
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Heather
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No kind of sex is like Pandora's Box where once we open it, it can't be shut. What we do or don't do sexually is often going to vascillate even just around what feels good and what we're in the mood for.

So, the fact that you had X kind of sex in the past doesn't mean you have to ever have that kind of sex again if you didn't feel right about it, nor that you have to have that kind of sex again X number of times, or with a given person...et cetera.

One thing that might help is reframing this so that you're not thinking of sexual activities as linear: in other words, with intercourse being "far" down the line and other things being less far. Sexual activities aren't really linear, even though they're often framed that way, save when it comes to things like classifying risks. But in interpersonal relationships and the experience-part of sexual experiences, it doesn't have to be like that.

Instead, how about this: you did a thing a couple times, one thing that's a group of a BIG lot of things that are similar or related. But in doing that thing, you found out it's not right for you and not what you want right now. Maybe some other things like it are, maybe no things like it are, but no matter what, you always get to choose if you want any of those things or not.

If it helps to put in a different context, I once started training in boxing. Then I started co-teaching it. Then I taught it alone sometimes. Then it came up that maybe I should compete and spar more, but I decided that I didn't feel right about that. So I didn't do that and don't spar anymore, even though at one time, I went there. Having gone there didn't mean I had to stay there, and it also doesn't mean that when I chose not to, I couldn't revisit that possibility again (well, in my case it kind of does because now I'm too old, but you catch my drift). Do you see what I mean?

But also, too, if you know that there are certain situations or environments that make it hard for you to stick to what you really want, by all means, make some changes. Like, if being alone or having overnights is a problem, then you take a pass on overnights for now and have more dates where you're out and about in the world, not in your room.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68006 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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