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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Not my first...

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Author Topic: Not my first...
Member # 47511

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time now, and we're in high school, and we get along so well, and we love eachother so much, we can't get enough of eachother.
One day we had sex, and he told me he wasn't a virgin, he lost it to some girl when he was drunk at some party and doesn't even remember her. So, I wasn't worried about it.. because I had a pretty sexual past too with other guys so I thought it was all good since we were both not virgins... he knew who were my EXs.. and I didn't know any of his. So, anyway one day he told me I was his first, I was in shock... I asked him why did he lie to me; he said it was embarresing for a guy to be a virgin at 17. I felt horrible because I wish he was my first too! [Frown]
I regret the guys I've slept with before, I truely love him though.
He keeps thinking now what I've done before, and we talk about it, and I feel SOO horrible it makes me cry because of the mistakes I've done before. He's a REALLY emotional guy, he even said he was crying about it or something. It's making him so upset, I wish he would forget about my past...
What should I tell him to make him stop thinking about it? He already knows I hate myself for it..
I need some advice...

Posts: 19 | From: America | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Why do you hate yourself?

You know, people's ideas about what their sexual first times COULD have been rarely match what they are in reality, even when they make exactly the choices that fit their ideal. In other words, whatever idea you have about what would be different if he had been your first -- and whatever ideas he has about it -- are probably not realistic, either.

Our pasts, whatever they are, are our pasts, and even the parts of them we're not proud of or unhappy with are usually parts of who we are right now. If he loves the person you are now, part of that is about loving whatever your life up until now has made you. Know what I mean?

Have you two been able to talk out why you are both feeling so upset? Have you also been able to recognize that from the sounds of things, you both got to have sex with someone you loved for the first time together?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48970

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You don't need to hate yourself for it. Some people describe virginity as some special gift that people give to one another or a stigma to be gotten rid of, when it's really neither. Maybe it may seem romantic to be each other's "firsts" (though, just think of how many firsts there could be and how we would be stunted if we saved all of those experiences for one person), but life happens- people break up, people acquire exes, people lose their virginity to other people who they don't stay with. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with my first boyfriend (and I stayed with him as long as I did because I felt I had to just because of sexual intimacy- "to make it right"), and my guess is that you wouldn't want to either. So yes, we make mistakes, we gain experience, and we move on.

And that's the key- moving on. It's in the past, and it should not be such an issue in this relationship. Those past relationships helped shape who you are right now, and this young man is in a relationship with you as you are now. So don't regret and don't keep talking about it. Enjoy your current relationship instead. [Smile]

Posts: 89 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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